Regaing Respect of the WS?

[sandi2]

Sandi2 you don't think that exchanging kind interactions is important if part of the reason that she became wayward was the lack of affection.

Hummm, tricky question. Well first of all, we are talking about a wayward wife in an affair, right? Secondly, what do you call "kind"? I hope you'll stay balanced while I attempt to give my VP. I think if a LBH focuses on being kind and nice, it will mess with his focus on other things. B/c the WW is a user and a player and she can turn on the charm at the drop of a hat, and it confuses the heck out of her H. Sure, she will probably respond to his kindness, unless she suspects he misunderstands their true staus. He start thinking she's coming around, calling it baby steps, etc. Nope, she just played him. It makes him very vulnerable when she starts acting "nice" to him.

I would suggest not falling back on kindness as your plan for drawing your WW back. I have never told anyone to be unkind to their spouse. However, let me say this much......since we are on the subject. The H's kindness is not what draws her feelings of respect for him. It doesn't draw her attraction, either. Not while she is wayward. She won't even fully appreciate it, as long as she has the fantasy of OM in her head. She will see the H's kindness as weakness. I mean, she's not going to tell him to not be kind to her, but she won't give up her affair due to her H's kind interactions. If the tables were reversed, she knows she would not react with kindness. Therefore, she is more likely to feel less respect for him being so kind to her while she betrays him. She sees his kindness as him being weak. To say it in more simple terms, you cannot "nice" a WW back into the MR.

Now with that said, let me add that I am not telling LBH's to be mean or ugly to their WW. There are times the H should most definitely show kindness.......such as when the WW is legitimately sick, injured, has a loved to pass away, etc. If she is involved with another man, then I suggest the H should have civil interactions with her, especially if she knows he knows of her A. Once she ends the A and has NC with OM, then he can be kind, thoughtful, sweet, generous, etc. The one thing a WW respects is strength. Some men confuse kindness to mean softness, just like some confuse detaching to mean cold. He cannot afford to be soft with a WW. As long as she is showing disrespect for him in some fashion, everything he does and says should come from the view of commanding respect. Until he has her respect, he won't have her love.... the way a W should love her H. He could be soft, gentle, nice, kind, etc......but it won't get her respect.

I see newcomers get confused about 180's and more of the same behavior. H's fear standing up to the WW, using action instead of lip service, detaching, enforcing boundaries, leaving her alone to GAL, etc..........and often they say, "Won't this show more of the same behavior as in the past"? I think men with the NGS fear some of the things we suggest, b/c they don't believe they have the b@lls for it. Nice-guys want to be all sweet & gentle and nice their WW back. But, it doesn't work, when they come across as passive, weak, supplicating, and cowardly. And hear this........lack of affection or attention does not excuse her waywardness, nor an affair. I was asked as a WW, "Why didn't you just D your H"? "It would have been more honorable". WW's are not about honor.

From Tread's other posts it seems the more he dropped the rope the more she reached out to OM. And I wonder if perhaps that is because she was trying to convince herself that Tread didn't care about her whatsoever.

I had read Tread's threads previously, however, I went back to read them again. I did not see Tread ever dropping the rope. He wasn't even getting out to GAL without her. He's nowhere close to detaching. What I was seeing was him being passive. In his attempt to not show anger, he didn't show much else, either. . Hopefully, that will change.








Tread's W has been involved in inappropriate behavior with men........not just one man, but men. She plans to continue. That sounds like the makings of a serial cheater. Do I believe this all stems from Treads neglect? Absolutely not! You guys are too soft and give the WW way too much benefit of doubt. She does not become wayward b/c she feels her H does not care enough about her.