However, I started to feel better about myself. Took action during spring: I have been decreasing the level of anti-depressants (think that they may be partly responsible for my emotional numbness), went on a 1 week camp for ppl with fatigue syndrome (learned that I had already come a long way in healing myself compared to others), not sure this^^ helps you much in the situation, b/c now it's all about helping your w see your improvement from what was, to what IS. (Not vague promises to get better later. Make sense?
Yes.
booked travels for us (anniverseries), trying to find activities for just the two of us, \ are YOU GAL? How difficult is it to find activities? What do you mean by "trying" to find them?
This was previously while we still lived together. I tried to bring us closer again, but it was to late for that. About GAL now when I live alone (and has D certain days):
- Exercising every day - Reading more fiction - Working with the house, in the yard (until ownership changes in Aug). - Spent time in shops to upgrade my wardrobe and I make sure that I get haircuts regularly. - Been hanging out with some guys from work as well as my neighbors.
I wish that I could socialize more though. Will try to set up play dates with D to meet more ppl in my age. My social network (IRL) is on the other side of our country and haven't been getting a lot of new friends the past few years.
discussing other things than D, getting some light physical exercise. However, it seems like it was too late, too little.
Then Do more (for yourself, which paradoxically, makes you more appealing to her).
Here is the "math" of it:
consistent change + sufficient time = change she can believe in
This was when we were still together, I do more now but understand that it will take TIME for them to be noticed and believed to be consistent. I think your formula is great, but it's hard since it requires a lot of patience and faith.
The only thing I can do and take action about that regards both me and W is divorce matters. It is hard to know whether I should do more when it means speeding the divorce further up or if I should slow things down. W don't want to talk to me (except for schudule regarding D or divorce actions). Right now the house has been sold and we bought an apartment each. Divorce cannot be fully finalized until late Nov. Until then we need to divide stuff from the house since we are both moving within a couple of weeks. We also need to make an agreement regarding dividing our assets.
I also try to have fun with D as well as taking responsibility for doctor's appointments, buying clothes etc and showing W that I can be a great dad.
W issues: - She cannot see a future where I’m not sick. That the situation cannot get any better. Life with me in it is hopeless.
Well, You did describe life that way, for some time.
Again, you need to show her the new you. If she's been asking for you to get help or change or help her more, for a long time, then it's going to take longer for you to prove yourself to be a husband only a fool would leave.
Show her the new you OR the restored you, etc.
Yes.
- She is really unhappy and think that the only solution would be to leave me. That I am to blame for her unhappiness and everything that is bad in her life and our relationship is because of my illness. - She thinks that I cannot take care of myself and therefore not being able to take care of a child (based on how I’ve been before in my illness). How can you reassure her that it's not true, now?
see below
- She also thinks that I could have done more to get healthy faster.
and maybe she has a point.
Regardless, your course of action remains the same. Change for YOU (b/c it cannot be good to be in your shoes for the rest of your life)
- She thinks that I am unable to discuss emotional stuff. This has been a problem for me since childhood, but I have at least improved over time.
And you say it's been "improved over time", which means what? That it is "somewhat addressed" now.
Are you still trying to get to a point where you two can discuss anything emotional?
What were you like before this ailment befell you?
I've been working on my issues in therapy, and can talk about emotions more now than before. However, I am still insecure when it comes to emotions. I've always stayed in the rational side of the brain and it is hard to face emotions rather than rationalize the situation and the emotions instead.
- I have a hard time taking action. I read and plan a lot, but either it takes too long or I do not get to the action part. - She thinks that I take her for granted snd did not show her affection. I have been prioritizing myself the past years. From your very honest description, there is validity to these^^ issues.
What are you doing about them?
Trying to GAL and meet ppl. Get things done. Has been managing almost everything regarding our house sale together with our real estate agent.
About taking her for granted: She doesn't want to have me anywhere near her or do anything for her. It also contradicts LRT which makes it hard to make a 180 about it. I really don't know how to show this given the current sitch.
- She gets unhappy and feel guilt when we are discussing fianancial issues, because she generally wants to buy stuff and I ask her if we really need that particular stuff. or maybe she resents it. Maybe it would be better to help her feel some joy in a deserved gift by sharing in the selection, and or complimenting the choice.
I'm just saying this^^ b/c - I'm not picking up a "guilt" vibe from her, so much as disappointment and resentment on her end, like you are a killjoy of sorts.
But I don't know her obviously
I think you are right. There are a lot of resentment... I just don't know how to deal with it.
- - One thing I noticed when reading is that we have different love languages. I need physical intimacy which my wife has problems with. I think you wrote that You were not able to be intimate, or you lost interest in it for some time...
Anyhow, did you two fight or talk about it?
[color:#FF0000]Yes, I stopped trying to get intimate some time before I got ill. I just got sad about being pushed away. I never addressed it, since I didnät want to make her feel guilty. So I kept it inside.
Women need emotional support to be in the mood, and that's why we are not particularly receptive to ML after a fight, or after being disappointed in our spouses. [/color] She wants to be shown by actions that she is important, Just going out on a limb here, but every woman wants to be shown and feel important to her h. We want to be shown that we/the marriage/family are THE priority to our h's.
What were you like when she first met & fell in love with you?
What would it take to get back to that guy?
Well, I was crazy about her and prioritized her in every situation. Always wanted to do things for her. I was very supportive. I was also more confident and social. To get him back, I would need to keep on recovering as well as getting more confident and social.
When analyzing what I've been writing and your answers, its quite clear what the underlying message is. She has been living with someone that's been sucking the life out of her. Previously, I was the one giving her life since she always were the one depressed and needed support. That 180 is not that great... And she cannot see a future with me in which she is happy.
H-30s W-30s M-5 T-10 D4 ILYBNILWY/BD-May/17 W moves out-May/17 D filed-May/17 House sold, move to apartment-Aug/17 D going through-Jan/18?
