All I can say, is hang in there. Just by some of the things that C has said, she reminds me of myself when I was going through MLC. I loved my husband very much during that time and after, but I had all I could do just to keep my head up sometimes.
The guilt that I felt from being that way was tremendous. I felt awful because this man didn't deserve anything that I was putting him through, but at the time I didn't know how to stop it. I can remember crying many times asking God what was going on. That my husband had never done anything to me for me to feel the way that I was feeling inside.
At the time, I didn't realize what I was going through until his hit. There are two different people inside of you at that time (probably more). The one that knows you want to be with the person that you are with for the rest of your life and the other person that wants to get away from the world and be around people that don't know you because they can not judge you. They can not make you feel bad about yourself or make you look at yourself because they don't know you.
The more memories that popped into my head, the harder it was for me to go on. The more people would remind me of things, the more frustrated I would get. Just give her time and space right now because that is about all that you can do. Trust me, everything that she is putting you through right now she is regretting and it is only beginning with what she is actually going to feel when she hits rock bottom.
I remember when I hit rock bottom and faced myself for the first time. There was no running and there was no place to go to get away from me. The only choice I had was too look at me. I also know what it felt like to go through that all alone. Needing my husband to be there and to understand and he wasn't because he was going through his own and his was just beginning.
I can't tell you the guilt that comes upon you and nobody has to put it there and nobody has to tell you what you did because it plays back in your head play by play. You see everything and you face everything. She hasn't gotten there yet, but she will and when she does, watch out is all I can say.
There will be nothing that you can say or do that will take any of the pain that she is going to feel away. All I wanted was for my husband sometimes to just hold me, but he couldn't because of what he was going through.
So trust me, this isn't anything to do with you or what she feels about you. This is all about her and what she feels about herself and she just has not figured that out yet. Not all of the dots have connected, but when they do, you are definitely going to know it.
