Also, T, check to see if your school offers any access to lawyers through the Employee Assistance Program. I'm a university employee and that's how I found my attorney. Free consult, he didn't charge me a retainer, and I get a 25% discount on fees. He's got a great deal of experience and has been wonderful to work with so far.
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I am toying with filing for custody and support without having a conversation with him. What do you think about that? Does a conversation need to be had or should I just file without talking? Point being, like I told my dad, I don’t trust him and he hasn’t given me a reason to at this point. So I’m not sure his ‘word’ about a schedule and finances would mean anything and would just delay the action of getting something in writing. I also believe I’ll be met with excuses about how he cannot afford X Y Z which really isn’t my problem..
You can file for certain terms and get it on the calendar. You don't need his permission, the man who is leaving you, to do that. Understanding this is part of dropping the rope, T. If he wants to go your separate ways, your only concern are you and the kids. His feelings about what you are doing don't matter.
File. If he wants to have a discussion about terms, fine. You don't have to agree to anything. If you do, keep your court date. H will want to do everything off the books because he thinks he can keep manipulating you. This is a man who stopped helping you financially last time around; going off the books would
I'm sorry about your professor. Sometimes certain personalities look for reasons to keep others from gaining entry to their club. It's a big problem in academia. Don't let this person get you down. You're juggling so much already, you can do anything. I know I nitpick you (which I do in an effort to help you see when you're getting in your own way), but I'm amazed by all that you're doing right now.
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The two L I have met with were pretty doomsday, as in basically H has the upper hand, he can do whatever he wants and not pay a dime, still come and go as he pleases, he can get 50/50 custody and not pay a cent, I probably won't get much alimony, etc etc.
I think you're missing that you'll get half of the assets in any D and you'll have a well-paying job. You'll be okay.
I think you're also missing that you could be doing things to help your cause right now. You've got an H who has left you twice, once right after the baby was born. Who is most likely cheating. Who doesn't come home every night. Who bought an expensive motorcycle and car toys. Who is taking illegal steroids that he has shipped to your house, which means you can document the shipments, the origins, and perhaps even take photos of the contents, because - oops - you didn't read the name on the package and accidentally opened it.
You take notes on patients, but notes on H aren't something you've kept. Your posts here are a great place to note events and dates. These won't be relevant in a no fault D, but they sure would be relevant when it comes to custody! Be smart and protect yourself. Maybe you won't need to use the information, but it's there if you need it.
And need I tell you how crucial it is to hide the information so he never finds it?
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It was something I was writing to H, but had kept it to myself just to relieve my feelings... I felt like it was something I could have written just yesterday. How odd things are.
And what was the outcome of that time in your life, T? What did you learn about yourself and your capability to live your life without H? I think that was a sign, too, and I think it was reassuring you that you did it before and you can do it again.
In some ways, you're so worried about this being the second time for H, but it's the second time for you, too. You know exactly what to do to help yourself. You do not have to put an artificial limit on anything, that if he does ____ you can't consider him again. You are strong enough to handle things as they come. Trust yourself, because you'll make good decisions even without those restrictions (the ones that you're working so hard to try to prevent from coming to fruition now, and are keeping you from dropping the rope!)
