Wife says that she had enough, files for divorce

[SwHubby]

Sorry you are here, SWH, truly. AND I'm sorry for the length of this post but I took yours and tried to go point by point...

I really appreciate your candor in the marital situation b/c it makes it a lot easier for us to respond accordingly. You'd be surprised how many people just cannot be honest even when they are fighting the battle for their marriage and asking for help.

Good on you.

Thanks! I know that haven't treated my wife as I should and I've been going through quite a lot of shame and guilt because of it. No reason not to be completely honest.


[quote=SwHubby]Background:

We have been together for 10 years and married for 5 years. D is 4 years old. We bought the house just before D was born. My wife has a long history of suffering from rheumatism as well as depression. Ske was also depressed after D was born.

while I fully concede that ^^ being a factor in your marital problems, the rest of your post reveals that her depression might have been increased for situational reasons. Make sense?


Absolutely.

She connected deeply with D: could not stand being away from her, watched me like a hawk when I had her and like changed diapers, would only let others hold D for a short period of time, were (and still is) overprotective.


I don't see this^^^ as a marital issue at this point. Being the best dad you can be and showing your w that you CAN care for your d just fine, is key to you getting partial custody AND it's attractive to every mother to see her child lovingly interacting with the father of that child.


I agree. I love spending time with D and caring for her. I really hope it will work out and that my wife will be able to see changes, but I'm also scared and have regular thoughts that it won't matter. I love my W&D and wish I could have done so much differently. On the other hand, I don't know if I could have seen it "in the moment" back then, as I have been in really dark places.


Me on the other hand, burned out really bad at work and got a stress induced fatigue syndrome (do not know if the term is correct for US/UK). I’ve had the fatigue for almost 3 years now with fatigue, headaches, being stress sensitive, sensitive to light and noises, emotionally numb, depressive, difficulty to remember stuff as well as a generally low level of psychic endurance.

I assume you can see that this ^^^ would greatly affect a spouse, too. It wears on them, especially if they are working and doing most of the childcare.

Of course, I understand that a lot of resentment has been building up over time. And since both of us are afraid of conflict, basically never had a fight and has problems discussing heavy subjects and emotions, resentments tends to grow. It weren't a problem for the first 5-7 years, since everything was fine (more or less).
I wish I could change it now, take it back. But I can't.

I got better over time and has been working part-time for a while. I will hopefully be back at work full-time this autumn. The symptoms are still there but can be controlled most of the time.

During this period W grew distant from me. At periods, I could not really show affection for her or our D and my physical and phycic endurance has been highly volatile on a daily basis. I have not been able to be my “normal happy me” and I have been around my family physically but not been present mentally. I could just sit there and stare out the window without thinking of anything. I rested a lot.

No offense SWH, but can you see how your Wife could re-write that^^ sentence to say

"HE grew distant from me/us - and H was Just Not There For me or our d"....?

I would think your w was very lonely & tired inside the marriage. She really was doing all the heavy lifting for quite some time.


I'm not trying to bash you when you are down, but I am Not mystified by your w's actions.

Does what I'm saying here^^, make sense?




I don't see it that way, I really appreciate your help.

Absolutely, I think that I would have seen it coming if I had been watching it from the outside instead of being a part of it. I definitely weren't there for them. I was busy victimizing myself and feeling hopelessness on my own.



We have not been intimate for the past year now and I have sensed that she has been more and more withdrawn from me for at least the past 6 months. Not wanting to hug or be close to me.

same as before, she could write that YOU withdrew from her and she has not had intimacy for the past year, etc.

Can you see things from her perspective?

Did either of you ever address any of these many many red flags by talking about them, (fighting about them), seeing a counselor or doctor together?

What is the reason you finally sought treatment?

We did not really talk about it. Now, I think my wife tried to. Mostly by nagging and criticizing me. At least that is what I felt it was. So I withdrew from the sitch when I felt under attack. Yes, I can absolutely see that she felt lonely in our MR.

With treatment, do you mean burnout/depression? I had treatment from the beginning, with different doctors and different treatments during this period. However, the recovery has been so slow. I felt that things shifted with a new doctor as well as therapist. Also, my perspective changed and I started demanding assistance from my employer (required in law in my country) as well as changing how I viewed myself regarding career etc.

My wife hasn't met my therapist or doctor.


She started to work after parental leave 2 years ago at a new company, in a position she wanted to have previously.

how'd you guys get by financially while she was on leave and you were not working?


Sickness benefit, both managed by the state as well as private insurance. I have also been working part time for a long time. Finance hasn't been an issue, at least since she started working.

Before that, with me receiving benefits and my wife taking care of our child, we had to touch savings a little bit for a couple of months.


She is really engaged and has quickly become the glue of the place. The person everyone talks to when somethings needs to get done and who everyone likes.

But she has been working too much for a long time.


So, do you think she perhaps blamed you for any of this?? Burning out and seeing you not well for a prolonged time -that changes the marital dynamic.

Did you discuss her working less and if so, how'd that go?

Despite what some feminists friends will say, most women don't enjoy earning more than their h's unless he's a great stay at home dad who fully picks up the slack.

And Even then, it takes a very secure man to handle it.

Yes, I think that she did that. She was supposed to work part time according to employee agreement, but worked a lot of extra time.



During the past months, her work description got altered so she could finish work in the assigned hours. Both me and other family members were really worried for her before that because it felt like she was close to burning out.

how did discussions about this^^^ go for you? What did you Do to ease her burden?

She didn't want to talk about it, since she "wasn't the one being ill" and snapped when I tried to bring it up.
I didn't help much, to be honest. I tried to take care of more things at home, but had problems keeping it up in the long run.


I have sensed that this was not going well but told myself that it could be handled in the future. I started to plan for us to find our way back to each other this spring, when W could work less.


So there was some "deferred work" on the marriage and yet worrying about "when she could work less".

I'm sorry SWH.

Please, you have to understand that this^^ sounds like a guy letting his w do all the heavy lifting financially and maritally and parentally for 3+ years, all while "planning" to do something about it to help out, later...that is too much for most women.

She must have loved you very much.


Oh and did you inform your wife of these plans? I mean, How would she know that she could shoulder LESS in the future?


I certainly agree that I checked out for these years. Financially, I still brought most of the money back to the household since I was working part time and the job is well paid. But maritally and parentally, I couldn't find the energy to manage.

I started talking to her a little bit, but think it was too late by then.



That is also my I sent her away for a week to the sun on holiday (see last post) even though I could not follow due to work.

when you say you "sent her away", does this mean you forced her go somewhere or you paid for her to take a desirable trip out of family funds

or you arranged a family vacation that you could not then join her with, or what?

[color:#FF0000]Language barrier. I didn't have enough vacation days to travel with them because of family trips planned in the future that I needed to save my days for. My wife wanted to go away somewhere sunny but wasn't sure that we could afford it (maybe feeling guilty as well since she already planned divorcing me). We had the money, no problem. So I made sure that she knew that I wanted her to take some time of work and restore her energy and paid with out family funds.



Also, how are the finances handled generally? [/color]

I had felt for a long time that life was hopeless and felt like a victim.

well, ^^^ that's a hard thing for a spouse to live with. Can you see that?

And You can see that it's Not her responsibility to make you feel better either, right?

[color:#FF0000]Yes. Back then when I got ill, I expected her to help me and felt abandoned since she didn't. I think it was because of all the times I helped her previously. Anyway, she had her hands full back then with our D, household and so on and the only one responsible for myself is me.


I'm asking, not saying snarky things. I want to know what realizations you have about your behavior as a partner and co-parent.

Because it just sounds like Her needs have gone unmet for a long time, and in some ways, this would have been very clear.

I mean, it's not as if her needs were rare. Nearly everyone would have a hard time being around your conditions (not blaming you for them, but it feels like you took a long time to address them much).

You described yourself as having been a hopeless guy who needs to be in the dark (what does sensitive to light manifest as, if not dark or dimly lit places) and who rests a lot, who didn't connect with his wife or others, stared vacantly even while present, and in sum, a guy who just does not pull his weight.

GOOD NEWS for you is that Your job now is pretty straight forward.

Show changes in these^^^ conditions.

Not just to get her back. With these types of health/emotional issues I'd think YOU would want to change b/c you have been in a dark depressive funk for some time.

I know your w's choices have hurt you. I get that big time. But I think maybe you needed the wake up call

or you might have gone on the rest of your life in some twilight zone, not really living.

[/color]

Yes, I feel that this nuke hitting me has giving me a lot of energy and perspective. I really want to change for myself, as well as my D. And W. I understand that W has been lonely for a long time.

Well, I believe that it has taken me quite some time to get better but that recovery from severe burnout usually takes a lot of time. I've been on meds, seen doctors and therapists from the beginning but it is during the past year that I have been feeling better. However, that resulted in me speeding up the process too much to get back to my old career right away which led to a "mini-crash" 6 months ago. It took a few months to recover fully from and be back on track again. I wish I knew back then what I know today. I was just happy to feel better, more energy, starting to take more initiative and action.