I think all these spouses read the same books ... mine has said the exact same stuff.
You know not to try and reason with her and I'm really sorry you heard that news.
Drop the rope and move on with your life ... have hope but don't let it hold you back. Let her see the guy she fell in love with moving forward and her being left in the dust.
Easier said then done ... I know... but it's the right choice. She has to see what she's losing.
Oh and ... don't communicate about the D. If she asks about it or has specific questions let the L deal wth it.
My answer every time was hmm I'll have to get with my L about that or I'll have to check with my L or I'll have my L reach out to yours.
You're paying your L to be the bad guy ...
Last edited by Cadet; 07/19/1706:25 PM. Reason: Combine posts
A close friend of mine said that I need to "fight for my marriage" by talking with her and asking her what I need to do to make her happy.
Also, this whole thing began on Easter Sunday when I confronted her with her EA partner in a park. I confronted them by texting her a photo of her and him with the caption "How romantic". She said "I embarrassed her professionally" since she showed him my text on the pretext that she didn't know what I was going to do. I want to explain to her that I texted her the photo out of love and concern that she was doing something inappropriate, and that our M was in crisis. I really want her to know this.
Married 9, Together 13, Divorce in Progress M: 44, W: 44, S: 7 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/19/17
Friends and family have the BEST intentions but unfortunately aren't armed with the right ammo. The best way to fight for your marriage is to not fight at all. Every time you open your mouth it reminds her of the negative, it reminds her of the problems, it reminds her that she would have to work and put in effort to make things okay - this is not something she wants to do ....right now.
Okay again, not trying to be mean but you need to re read what you wrote...
Your W is in the park with another man who is NOT her husband and you call her out on it and YOU embarrassed her??? She is embarrassing herself for doing it in the first place.
She knows how you feel without you telling her, be a STRONG man that wouldn't take her crap. Who did she fall in love with? A man that would let her walk all over her or a man that took charge and didn't put up with stuff like that?
If you were first dating and you caught her doing that, you would have probably ran for the hills.
What you did is done, don't back track on it now and try talking with her about it, it will further fuel her into thinking that she is somehow right in her current twisted mindset.
Just leave it be, let it go... there is not one thing you are going to do to make or break what happens. That is something that is both good and bad.
I remember thinking H has done so much damage (last BD) that he would never come back just to save face. He had done such terrible things and the road home was not smooth in fact it was filled with sink holes but you know what he did come back. He put all the stuff he did aside and ate his words. IF someone wants something bad enough THEY WILL DO ANYTHING.
I want to explain to her that I texted her the photo out of love and concern that she was doing something inappropriate, and that our M was in crisis. I really want her to know this.
Teppo,
I'm struggling with my inner nice guy right now. He's telling me to shut-up and let it go. The nice guy is losing...
You can explain it to her, but you should probably use words that she'll clearly understand. Something along the lines of, "If the inappropriate relationship continues, then I'll lovingly kick you out on your @ss." And, if you have a suitcase or some boxes with you at the time, then that can help reinforce your loving message.
I have heard that advice from friends when I initially realized I may very well lose my W. The initial reaction from W was: "hahahaha NOW you want to work on it". and "Nothing will make me want to stay". This was I think BEFORE or right at the moment she was speaking to OM.
My W's reaction changed when I stopped asking that question and started showing changed behavior. When I stopped asking her if she noticed my changes and making promises that I need one more chance yada yada
Certainly, if you have NOT had that conversation or don't know what it is she is missing you can try to squeeze some of that information out.
I'm genuinely glad that my W is going to therapy. I want her to be happy and not miserable. Would it be weak to give her a hug and tell her "I'm glad you're getting help" and "I want you to be happy". I do want an amicable D and I want to show her that I'm not angry at her.
Thoughts?
Married 9, Together 13, Divorce in Progress M: 44, W: 44, S: 7 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/19/17
