Yes, he believes it is ME that has caused all of this. That he came back, tried his best, and it still wasn’t good enough for me. That when I found out about the flowers, his answer wasn’t good enough. That we had to discuss it for an hour and it still wasn’t good enough. When in reality, as the C told him, he didn’t reassure me in the way I needed to. And instead of showing me after our conversation he didn’t mean anything by it, his behavior became more strange and questionable, that he wasn’t doing anything to earn my trust. H’s defense was what the hell do I do? I go to work and come home, when do I have time for anything else. I don’t need another woman in my life, another headache, I have enough of that already.
I don’t know why I am this way, and if I could change it, harness it, embrace it and move forward I would. C said I have PTSD component and that last time H lied to me so much that even when he answers me with the truth the first time if I don’t believe it I have to keep asking the same question because when I ask the 10th time it might be a difference answer like last BD.
But yes, I know he doesn’t respect me, if he did we wouldn’t be here in the first place. He didn’t respect me or our unborn baby enough to not BD when I was 32 weeks pregnant. I know there is no ‘forever’ but that’s how my brain sees it. I know it’s not so black and white. I mean when I say I know, my brain knows that that is the rational truth but for some reason I don’t let it sink into my situation. Trying to figure out how I can ‘know’ all of these things, when I read them they make sense and I totally agree but yet here I am…
I’ve let him go as far as his freedom, no questioning where he is, his plans, who he talks to, there really is little to no interaction. He has text me the last two nights to let me know he’s leaving work and asks if I need anything, I wait a bit and write a short no, we’re good. I’m sure he can sense, like Ownit said, that I haven’t dropped the rope because I am still letting him come here. But my dad is really on my you know what about not pushing that issue, he wants me to just leave it be, move forward, take legal action, and just let him dig his own hole. So I’m torn.
He has no consequences, yet. He wants to sell OUR boats, the boats the boys go fishing on, but not a word about his motorcycle. He’s sooooo broke, yet just had a 2500 off road suspension for his truck delivered to our house yesterday, the freight delivery alone was probably more than some of our monthly expenses. He also had his steroid injections (which is a few hundred bucks) delivered to our house too. You’d think he would at least be smart enough to have it sent elsewhere.
But anyway, yes I appreciate you all. I know I am annoying, frustrating, pathetic, all of the above. I listen to the advice I give others and just want to apply all of that to my sitch. I’ve got to get in my own head and figure out why I know this stuff, I know what I need to do, it all makes sense, yet for some reason I’m not there yet. Why can’t I make myself just do it and get there and not look back. I know it’s fear and hope, I need to get rid of both of those feelings so that they don’t drive my everyday moves.
25 – it is a VERY cruel reality. Like why am I not worth enough to not put through this again. Why can’t you respect me enough to not add to my plate of crap. Why did you have to take away from this time with our precious newborn son… blah blah blah, you guys have heard it all before.
Like you said, I know I have PTSD from it.. it truly suks.
Train – so how do I make myself feel better… I have no desire to do much of anything if I’m being completely honest, when I do things I’m forcing myself, I’m sure it will get better in time but I am so overwhelmed and inundated with school crap I don’t have time to do much of anything, TBH I shouldn’t even be posting here as much but it’s the only thing helping keep my sanity in the moment. I have gone to the gym a few times but frankly I’m exhausted, the baby is still up multiple times in the middle of the night and still has his fussy period from 11p-1a. Between going to school, doing papers, logging patients, exams, kids, soccer, house, bills, etc. I am hanging on… I am supposed to be going out with a few moms from the boy’s school (nobody knows anything) and I’m dreading going, but I’m going to make myself go tomorrow night. Okay so no more done or forever – I can’t make promises but I will try to pay extra attention to using those words.
Ha, I know you meant lay it on THICK with the conversation, but I’m not even sure I’m in the place to even have that conversation in this moment, maybe in a few days it will be so. I am toying with filing for custody and support without having a conversation with him. What do you think about that? Does a conversation need to be had or should I just file without talking? Point being, like I told my dad, I don’t trust him and he hasn’t given me a reason to at this point. So I’m not sure his ‘word’ about a schedule and finances would mean anything and would just delay the action of getting something in writing. I also believe I’ll be met with excuses about how he cannot afford X Y Z which really isn’t my problem..
Ownit –can you email me? I would be super appreciative of some well known recommendations… I haven’t met anyone I really ‘like’ yet. I want a pit bull LOL. I am on the east coast south of Jacksonville by a couple hours. East of Orlando, if that helps?
My dad says I want him to buy a house because then it’s half mine??
