But now, as I think back to the confrontation I feel like I said the wrong things. Telling her that I would like to know the details of the where/who of my kids when I'm not around seems controlling. And I feel like following up with her to apologize and tell her that I'm not trying to control her.
This has come up plenty of times before, and it's a tough one to answer. It depends on what class of character she's hanging out with. A lot of WAS's "affair down" and sometimes waaaaaay down. If you're talking alcohol or drug use with the potential for abuse, then that is clearly a huge concern.
I will tell you my W's OM is someone I knew casually and was definitely someone I considered a "good guy" before all of that mess. In fact he was trying to talk my W out of leaving the M I found out later (I think for him they were just friends, for her it was an EA). Anyway, early on I asked myself, outside of my sitch, was OM someone I would trust around my kids? And the answer was yes. So I didn't ask for transparency from her, I just trusted that she wouldn't put the kids in harm's way. My W wasn't MLC, she was very responsible throughout. Maybe your's isn't, that's for you to determine.
Quote:
Is this just my reaction to feeling helpless?
Now THAT is a valid question to ask yourself. Are you really concerned about the kids or are you just doing this as a way to "get back" at W for leaving you? Our emotions are all over the place for months after BD and our intentions are not always honest or honorable.
Quote:
I guess I just don't understand how to appropriately set boundaries in this situation...
If you think about it, really the only boundary you can set is to threaten to fight for more custody, or full custody. This is something warranted if there's any evidence the OM might be abusive. But if you just don't like him because he's the OM but he's otherwise a responsible adult, well you're setting a boundary you can't really enforce in my opinion. You're separated, you've got to accept that she is going to date and sooner or later expose the kids to that person. I'm not saying you have to -like- it, but you do have to accept it.
