My W was have an anxiety attack two nights ago and she was so relieved I was able to calm her down. Yesterday she mentioned how she and two colleagues are going for happy hour on Thursday and I mentioned maybe she could get her colleague to give her a ride to work and I can stay home and she said...I can but I have been really enjoying our morning ride to campus together. She added "it feels like we are finally also working on that friendship part that we never really developed...heck we never even had a proper date". She added "and I have really been enjoying doing things together".
Again, don't believe anything she says but half of what she does right. She has been talking about this weekend and how she needs to get some rest and how she wants to maybe hang out with some people. OM's name is not mentioned. If she is manipulative and trying to get me to think by her saying other people's names that she can sneak out and hang out with him than of course that is possible but it just doesn't fit with her other actions.
Something I need to watch for is that now that she is opening up more and more I run into two problems of the past:
- I didn't always listen to her and offered suggestions. It sometimes feels like I am not authentic to always say that [censored], that is frustrating. Sometimes I phrase it into a question: "is this why you are upset because..." or "how do you feel about what you just described". She seems to enjoy that I ask questions. But sometimes it goes on and on and on so it is easy for me to start offering suggestions.
- Because she now is back to sharing stories with tons of asides and other comments that I THINK are not relevant and so sometimes I slip up and interrupt her. I think that happens because I switch from the person that I am trying to be now: on my guard and trying to not pressure her and her excitement in talking to me again switches my thinking into wanting to add to the conversation. (clearly I like to speak...as you can see in these very short posts).
The other issue is that I am trying to get her to stop thinking about how awkward some of our interactions are: like we are learning how to work as a team and we recognized that we sometimes speak different languages. She wants me to do A, and I assume it's B. It's awkward but also humbling and I am telling her that I appreciate her patience and her ability to recognize we need to work on that. And that the more we do this the more we will start to understand what is expected and we don't need to have follow up questions.
But I am feeling hopeful. I still desire her to be recommitting to me but I am also starting to accept that if this doesn't work out that I will be better if someone else enters my life. The thought saddens me as my W is amazing. In fact, I realize that I never was in love with her until very recently when she blossomed into a more self confident woman. What I thought I felt for her was affection and I enjoyed being with her but it wasn't love.
In turn she continues to develop herself and recognize that SHE needs to also be better in certain aspects.
Very humbling. But VERY glad my W is still in the same house and at least respects what the MC asks us to do. I don't know if it is because she really wants to or if she thinks it makes her end game smoother but I am deciding that I don't really care about it. If she wants to leave THIS version of who I am becoming than she is an idiot. Yes, I messed up. Yes, I made mistakes. Yes, it took me WAY TOO LONG to address this. But what I am addressing were the small things that made living with me so tough for someone like her.
