"So I give her attention when I can, but not too much. To be honest women like attention, but if you give them too much attention that lose interest. "
This is a tough one. But I think the DB/DR speaks about this in terms of not going too fast: you see progress and want to take it a step further. I think that is what your comment is speaking to. I need to constantly reminds myself that one smile, one hug is nice and it's just that.
If she really would be losing interest simply because you give her attention then that is an issue that will continue in the R. Gottman speaks of the pursuer-distancer pattern. the only solution to that is if both the pursuer and the distancer recognize this and change. In fact, it's why our R deteriorate. The pursuer gets tired, stops, the distancer gets surprised suddenly does exactly what the pursuer needs and then when the pursuer pursues again the nice behavior stops. At some point the distancer is done with the relationship.
And let's face it. Us men desire attention too, perhaps even more than women.
The way I have been implementing this is that when we get home I go to the master bedroom until my W asks if I want to hang out. Sometimes if we have been having a decent time together when we get home after work (we work at same place and I am the only driver) I sometimes just kiss her (because I barely did that in the past) and say that if she wants to lay down and listen to music and have a moment for herself to do so and maybe later we can hang out. I try to not have her do ALL the work but I put the decision in her shoes. At the same time one of our issues is not doing things together so I make sure that chores and such I don't do unless we both are working on it. She thought I always just did them and didn't wait for her so I let her take control. But a few times I gently inquire to see if she wants to do it to reinforce the team nature and not put all the work and burden on her.
I try to feel it out but after we hang out or speak I try to be the one ending the conversation. It's a fine line and sometimes it's hard to pick the moment.
Now my W is an introvert (and acts very outwards at work so that drains her energy). But because of her work experience where she is more extroverted she has become more out of her shell and I failed to recognize that early on. When my W has a moment to herself she comes out with more energy. Sure. Before I discovered the PA she probably was chatting with him a bunch in her own room. She may still do that...although I know for a fact (because we hang out with those people later) that she speaks to others. Sometimes they call. But she DOES listen to music.
I am typing a lot but I do think that it's so CRUCIAL that each of us looks at our specific context and reasons that our W became WW. If something they need is directly linked to something we were bad at in the past we HAVE to accept it. If for example, our W requesting space without those explanatory elements then perhaps we can be less understanding.
This is the "observe and continue doing what works and change it if it doesn't work".
So for you, there is a different set of circumstances than for me. That is what Gordie means with "that is a difficult question to answer". With the risk of sounding like a broken record it seems to me that you can do a simple step of exchanging nice behaviors and interactions but also taking a step back and do things for yourself (GAL, detach whatever you want to call it). If SHE responds with more nice behaviors then I see that as a good sign. If she doesn't really change then perhaps you can do more detaching.
But Bulldog I think was the person in Sandi2's rules who speaks about sometimes being in the same place binge watching Netflix might actually help. I think he says when OM is out of the picture but I think it would even be good when he is still around. Do something together but not "together". There will be opportunities to do something nice: get a blanket, get some drinks. Not romantic stuff but doing something together that will offer NEW data to your W. (and more important she cannot be bored and miss OM).
TL;DR going back to your question that started this thread: to me IF your W wants to get back with you then yes she needs to respect you. It seems to me that stop doing what made her lose respect for you. This might be what Sandi2 says in enforcing boundaries and you certainly shouldn't validate or condone the PA or EA but I think Sandi2 would agree that you also need to combine that with improving the things that would increase her respect of you.
At the same time, because we are doing all this work, you now are in the odd position that perhaps initially you wanted to get her back but are now losing respect for her because she is not changing herself. So very well, working on yourself means that you are the one walking away from the R. So it comes back to following your gut as well and making sure that regardless of how you act now it's something that is okay with you.
