Flotsam, part II

[Treasur]

The emotions are odd, aren't they? And how they can nibble at you and suck you into doing stupid stuff? And writing your own 'stories' which then upset you or make you angry?

I really resent how my H's actions have brought a whole bunch of dark WTF stuff into my life. At times recently, I have felt punch drunk by new WTF shocks. But I have also realised that I have invited that in sometimes and then felt a burst of rage about it. An example was that when we did speak briefly recently, STBXH said a couple of things which mind reading could translate as OW no longer being in the picture. I told myself to not take the bait. Then a few days later when I received a parcel and realised it was sent from the city where OW lives, I was furious about more lies... But here's the thing, the actual words he said were the normal MLC unclear blah...might have meant that, might not. I lied to myself in effect that I was detached and it didn't matter...meanwhile my head quietly spun a story...and then I got angry at 'evidence' the story wasn't true. Really angry.

But I chose the story. I chose not to ask him directly. I chose to go online and check the dispatch office for the parcel. I chose to replace the original story with one about him being a lying xxx. And I chose to let the anger ruin my day. I don't know the truth. I've just told him that I will not chat to him as he now wants. That choice was just about my boundaries, nothing to do with OW. We are not rebuilding but almost divorced, so OW is not relevant other than financial links. It was a self-inflicted WTF wound.

Fortunately, reading posts here helped me see that and I could also give myself a self-inflicted 2x4! The truth is that the more time we spend in their heads (or MLC lives), the less time we are spending in our own. We sabotage our own detachment and GAL. I think MLCers bring enough lies to the party; our job is to be as gently honest with ourselves as we can, and it's hard to look at your own squirmy bits isn't it? I can't understand much of my STBXH's behaviour but I can choose to understand what drives mine. How I can feel a mix of emotions all at the same time and how stories built on sand don't help. (I have a virtual self-created box set of him staying in our favourite hotel in Paris with OW, buying wedding dresses and sex romps by the coast if anyone is bored!)