I just feel like this time the advice is semi different. I felt like you guys had hope that things would turn around this time that's not the case. I think that makes me more crappy feeling. More wanting to run in the other direction in my mind.
The advice is semi-different. As Sandi2 so eloquently discussed, this is a WH, not a WAH. He's resentful and blames you for his unhappiness. And I think of most of us sense that if your H is to come around, it will take time.
The advice you are getting is about you now. An H who does not respect you and thinks you are trying to control him needs to see a shift, where you are no longer a doormat and that you care for yourself more than you care about keeping him happy with you. Why? Because those are the actions of a woman who knows her worth, T, and that's what we're trying to get across to you.
T, you have significant abandonment fears that are making this so incredibly painful for you. It's a painful situation in general, but you are putting yourself in a constant spin cycle because you're trying to see "what it all means", usually with you speculating with some statements that indicate that you think H defines your value or your worth. That's entirely unnecessary and very untrue, T.
The advice you are getting is different simply because it adapts to what is happening in real time. Not because anyone is saying anything about the chances of this working out longer term.
Quote:
I fear the permanence. I think I look at last time and just think can't you stop this before it gets too far and it's forever and I can't ever forgive you. Before you do so much damage you won't or can't come back. Besides the financial fear. That's the other fear.
Here's that abandonment fear in action.
You have no control over another person, T. You can't "stop this" because it involved another person; thinking that you can is leading you to allow boundaries to be crossed.
There is no forever, T. You are on a site with so many stories. However, those who do have successful Rs with WH/WWs have one thing in common: they accepted that their S wanted to go and they opened up the door and let them do that. They did it in a way that showed the wayward that they knew their worth. Those that didn't get to the point of the S physically leaving all had elements of the WH/WW experiencing consequences and learning what they were going to lose. And the R that last involve piecing, and a LBS that GAL, and didn't let the wayward back easily.
All of the advice you're getting adhere to the themes in the above paragraph. We're still trying to do what is best for you and give this the best shot of it turning around, but we're all pretty clear that the answer - if there is one - is about you setting boundaries and realizing your worth. It's about facing your fears and dropping the rope. And those things also happen to set you up for a happy life without H, should he not have an epiphany down the road.
No one's given up T, and things that look permanent and scary to you aren't necessarily that. You've got numerous women posting in this very thread who are proof to the contrary.
