Hi Train-- Yes I am in fear. Fear of losing financial support, fear of missing out on my kids lives, fear of missing out on the baby, fear of being away from them, fear of H never being my H again, the list goes on.
I just feel like this time the advice is semi different. I felt like you guys had hope that things would turn around this time that's not the case. I think that makes me more crappy feeling. More wanting to run in the other direction in my mind.
My plan was actually I'm taking out a large student loan. To have the money as a back up for L and bills. I am not telling H this and will not use the money unless absolutely necessary but it will give me some breathing room and I'll be able to focus on the boys and school. It won't be enough to float everything for more than a couple Months but it will bat least get me through that time. Also if worse comes to worse I'll stop paying the house. Not something I want to do to hurt my credit but if that's what I have to do I will.
I'm not sure if I believe me being nice is why he's paying but I thin me being a bitch will push him to not pay. His mood is just that. His mood. One day he's nice bringing me Fiji water from the store asking to have dinner. The next he can't even look at me and MY mood and my behavior is consistently the same it's his that changes on a daily basis.
So my main fear - me pushing all this permanent stuff means we are done. FOREVER. My feat is he's. It wayward and he just truly doesn't love me and doesn't want to be with me ever. That he sees me so horribly that he can't bear to be with me and would rather not see his kids everyday than be here with me. Thathe cant see that things won't or aren't the way he says they are (me living in the past, thinking he's a cheater, that he will never change etc etc).
I get into this mode every time after I talk to a L because I see this terrible road I'm about to go down and I want to take a UTurn. It's about to get really ugly once this legal road starts not that it's not ugly now but a whole new type of ugly trucking my boys between two homes etc. right now they get to be in their home every night and that's what they want.
Ugh the L I am meeting with next week is 1000 just for a consultation eeek! I may be canceling that because I thought it went toward the 5000 retainer but it doesn't. I used some quick calculators online of what H might have to pay for child support and if we split close to 50/50 he will have to pay me what he's paying now (per the calculator) and if he does like 30/70 he would have to pay me double what he's contributing now. That doesn't include alimony, etc. my dad said it's going to be a huge wake up call because he is so delusional he thinks he's going to go live this great life making all this money now and just be rid of me.
And I'm not sure I could tell him we will be a great happy family after this. He knows I don't believe that... I'm just not sure that would even be worth saying because I believe he will see through what I'm saying.
