On Higher Ground

[HaWho]

Job, if you are reading, I have a question for you. Is my h stuck in replay? Can you tell? Prior to this you've always said dig deep for patience but you don't say that anymore.

Hi Mleigh - nice to hear from you!

Roist - while there are those common symptoms to depression, as we all become our opposite, I guess we all travel differently.

I wanted to be left alone. Period. I didn't want his help. I didn't think I needed help (until I woke up). I am a people person who is very comfortable admitting my errors/faults. So this was my opposite persona I guess. Sad.

I had a rough day at work today. In the middle of it all my phone starts blowing up and without looking at it I know it's the most immature boy in my house: h. Yep.

Looks like his paranoia is full bloom. Want to note it in case there are others whose MLCers go the paranoid route.

He sent me a really long text accusing me of stealing the credit card bill? Looks like this month's statement has not come in the mail? He said it's awfully coincidental that I was asking about credit card spending and now the statement was 'stolen'. He also reminded me that I stole his computer. (Probably the statement is late due to the long holiday weekend.)

Then he ended by saying that there are bigger things at stake than my personal problems if that mail was stolen by someone else. (I have no idea what he is talking about here). I am curious to know what my "personal problems" are???

Anyway, what I WANTED to say was: "this is so stupid!! Why would I 'steal' my own mail?!? I can see the statements online or call about each and every transaction." But instead I wrote: "No. I did not."

I came home, made eye contact, said hi. He ignored me. I sense that he wants a reaction out of me.

Oh and last week after ignoring me for days, he took s13 out for icecream and then brought me home one out of the blue. I thanked him and he resumed talking to me. He really is like one of those bratty teenage girls; one day you're in and the next day, you're not.

But, I have to say this past week has been very peaceful. I have decided to really let it all go. De-personalize it completely. And there is a calm that comes with it. And somehow, from my vantage point, it has altered the dynamic.

It's hard to describe but I truly no longer care what happens. I recognize that it's totally irrational for me to be responsible for the whole m and to take on his issues. It's very freeing.

[OwnIt]

HaWho, thanks for the heads up on paranoia. I have just started to notice this. I told him I wanted to buy a place for D in NYC with the money I make on this house he is forcing me to sell. He said throw your money away if you want. I won't invest in a place that will be underwater in 30 years. I should have just told him I would make sure to buy on a higher floor.

The political paranoia is also full steam ahead and he accused me of having a secret bank account where I deposit my checks (even though he has access to the joint checking account where my check goes in every month).

He told me on the 3rd that he was "taking control of his paycheck" and would transfer the amount in the settlement agreement draft he's had forever (that he now claims he never agreed to) after he was paid. Instead his check showed up in my account as usual and he took on the amount he has been taking.

[kml]

I won't invest in a place that will be underwater in 30 years. I should have just told him I would make sure to buy on a higher floor.

Lolol!!!

[roist]

I imagine he could be referring to you being niffed by his behavior. To him that probably appears trivial.

Then again it could have nothing to do with you but that HIS PROBLEMS are much bigger than yours.

I would look at the statement online out of curiosity bit don't get dragged into his weirdness

By the way thanks for your reply.

Have you decided what you will do about the upcoming family getaway planned by H?

Best wishes. Don't ever forget you are a remarkable woman.

[job]

I think your h is somewhere between replay, the deep dark depression and a little bit of withdrawal. He really hasn't acted out much w/his replay and he feels safe and comfortable in his little dorm room w/nothing earth shattering happening to make him move from that spot. He is trying, in his own way, to get reactions out of you to justify his behavior and you aren't giving it to him. He's not going to change his life and the way he's living until something earth shattering takes place. This man is glued to that room. LOL!

It's up to you how long you want to continue down this road, but you've been doing a great job of living your life. I would suggest that you take more than a day or two to get away. Your adult child is focusing entirely too much on what you are doing and/or not doing and not working on himself.

[Brubeck]

HaWho -

Thank you for sharing your thoughts on your depression. I asked because I have been reading up on depression lately (mostly discussions on Quora). Since depression is the biggest ingredient in the MLC cocktail, I'm trying to learn more.

The most common feedback I read about depression was two things.

1. Most people who battled depression found that in the midst of their battle the greatest thief of it all was concentration. They couldn't form thoughts, complete ideas, or see through common tasks.

2. They couldn't remember what they did the day before, much less the general state of things in general. Their memory was indeed shot to hell.

I admit the question I asked [HaWho] about memories of depression was loaded. Over the past year, like many of you I've read about MLC and all the branches it reaches out into - depression, bipolar disorder, bad relationships, drug addiction, divorce, etc.

I also found that many people (HaWho included) seem to really mourn and regret the time they lost. I don't mean to rub it in for those who feel this way, it's just something I've discovered. People eventually shrug over lost finances and possessions, but nobody seems to get over that loss of time - even if they aren't battling MLC, depression, etc. but just spent some time in a bad relationship or job.

I leaned recently that Stevie Nicks got sober from hard drugs and drinking at 40, but then got hooked to anti-anxiety medication (Klonopin). She said she lost 8 years to her prescription addiction. She said she barely remembers anything from her 40s, and that she still considers this loss of time to be the greatest failure of her life (she's almost 70). Food for thought.

Didn't mean to hijack your thread, HaWho - just sharing my research. As painful as the past 1 and 1/2 years have been as a LBS, I guess I'm lucky not to be in MLC, because I see the memory lapses left & right.

[OwnIt]

Brubeck this is very thought-provoking.

[HaWho]

Thanks Roist, Job, Brubeck and Ownit. I appreciate all the input.

So we went away. H had booked an adjoining room and when kids asked who was sleeping where h said he was bunking up w/s13 as they are both night owls. Last year when we went to this same place h asked to have his own room so at least this year he was willing to share his space.

Just noting for those who travel with MLCers (poor saps like me): when we go back to where we used to live h always wants to share a bed. But, in other locations he wants to be alone.

At times he understood humor. At times he did not. Several times he mentioned wanting to go back to his "cave" aka "the dorm room." There were a lot of silences between us. Not a lot to talk about as at times he was about as interesting as iceberg lettuce.

At one point he told me he and his brother discussed giving his mother money each month. He told me that his brother said he needed to discuss it with his wife. So h said "so I decided to discuss it with you. It only took me 20 years to discuss this kind of stuff with you."

He was never one to run things by me. I was okay with it as he never really did anything crazy and I agreed with his decisions anyway.

I told him he's a good son, which he really is. He is a better son than she is a mother. She's lucky.

The whole thing was odd though given just a few weeks ago he told me his life was none of my business and vice versa. Plus he told me no more financial discussions when I questioned him on savings. Now he's filling me in on financial decisions like we're the Cleavers.

At times he brought up his childhood. He re-told a few stories, all dysfunctional. He said his mom ruined his childhood. Then he glossed over it saying she was a nice woman now and it was no big deal. I told him it was a big deal and it's okay it was a big deal. It's hard to hear. I find it impossible to talk to her anymore. He talked about his dad too, who only reached out to h when it benefitted him. Sad.

Other than that he steers clear of me. I come in, he walks out. He set up a summer schedule with the kids: chores and academic things they need to do. He does enforce it. That's different from last summer.

I took the day off today and enjoyed myself. I am taking another personal day next week. And I do plan on taking a longer break away per the recommendation of Job and Bttrfly.

Most days I don't think of h much. Sometimes while I am at work he texts me something about the kids and I think "oh yeah, him."

[roist]

I am glad to read that you are making time for you.

Was there regret in H's words about taking 20 years to discuss some stuff with you? Maybe he wishes that wasn't the case. I don't mean now but over the years. At the moment I doubt he thinks that could change even if he wanted it to.

For the record I don't think you are a sap!! I understand where the comment stems from though. Life will be better.!

Best wishes

[Brubeck]

HaWho - glad to hear you're having a good "being detached" week. Sounds like the muscles in your mind are being built up.

At times he understood humor. At times he did not. Several times he mentioned wanting to go back to his "cave" aka "the dorm room." There were a lot of silences between us. Not a lot to talk about as at times he was about as interesting as iceberg lettuce.

Are you saying your H becomes as brain dead as a vegetable?