Finding my way in the dark - Part 2

[sandi2]

So just to recap, W said she wanted D on Thursday morning. Thursday during the day, she texted me a funny pic. I'm thinking, why is she sending me this, and I never responded

You not responding is perfect. It is a strange behavior many WW's do, in an attempt to stay in the LBH's life. She doesn't want you for a H, but she wants you to stay emotionally attached to her. And, should you begin pulling away, she'll temp check to see how emotionally attached you are, even after separation, and maybe divorce.

She asked if I got her pic, and I said yes. She started saying something about she thought I would like it. I just said uh huh and went to sleep.

My guess is that was the first time you have not responded to something she sent you. She noticed! She is going to temp check you more.

I found myself pull up to our church. I ended up talking to a deacon for an hour and a half. He made me feel a little better about things, how this is not my fault and I'm not a failure, how my wife obviously had issues that go back to her childhood. He even mentioned an annulment might be possible, which was something I hadn't even been thinking about. It was nice to think I might be able to get my life back on a good track and be able to stand proud and look myself in the mirror

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Nothing you have not received from the board. However, having someone IRL you can trust enough to discuss your situation is very valuable.

Just as I was getting in the car, W gets home. She knocks on my window and asks why I didn't answer the phone at home. I said I'd just gotten home and wasn't there when she called. She asked me what I was doing and I said going off. She asked where I'm going and I said "Don't worry about it". This obviously frustrated her and she said, "Oh, OKAY

".

LOL, I love it. That is exactly how to respond to her nosy questions. Perfect example of being vague.

I drove around for a while and then met up with my friend at a local Tiki bar (YES!), and we ate, drank, and talked for two hours. I talked honestly about my problems and he talked about his. It was probably the most personal and real conversation I'd ever had with another man. It was great and really made me feel better.

Very good! I think it is so important that men spend quality time with male friends.

I noticed she kept looking at me on the sofa, almost staring at me trying to make eye contact. I ignored her. I'm sure she noticed I wasn't wearing my wedding ring, but she never said anything.

I'll tell you what grabbed her attention a lot more that you not wearing your ring. For the first time, you've acted just a tad mysterious. Now, she is has her thoughts on you, and wondering what you may be up to. See? We try to tell you guys, but you don't take it seriously.

Going to this park is a yearly thing for us, so being there, with a woman who looks like my W but now wants a divorce, was surreal. She kept trying to make small talk with me (seriously?), and I gave her minimal responses

Good job! What would have been more impressive would have been if you had not tagged along. She would have wondered all day what you were doing. I know, I know.....I can hear your response without you saying a word. I've heard it from hundreds of LBH's. I'm just saying what would have worked better, than you participating in family activities. (Including watching TV). Taking son to the Y is wonderful. How many times have you left her alone to go out without the kids? Humm? When she sees you leaving with the boys, she sees it as "safe". To see you leave without the boys would be seen as mysterious. See what I mean?

We talked about telling the kids. I told her I couldn't stand in front of the kids and pretend this was something I wanted. I shared Sandi's story about the LBH who lost out on his relationship with his dad. I said I wasn't willing to lie to my kids about the reason, and risk my relationship with them. She said, "So am I going to be the bad guy?"

I tried to tell you. All she cares about is that she's not seen as the bad guy! She isn't concerned what it does to your R with the boys. She is the bad guy!! Look, you don't have to out her in front her children when you have the talk. However, I think your sons deserve to know their father is not forsaking the family/home. Don't you believe it is important to them as young males, to have that role model in their dad? She is the one pushing for the D, so she can very well put on her big girl panties to face her sons. But see, the WW doesn't want to do that. She wants the H to take the fall. Stick to your guns! Email or call Christy and get that letter from Michele. Then you can decide how you want to handle it.

I said I couldn't do the small talk and friendly banter with her any more. It didn't feel right. We can do it for the kids in front of them, but not between just us, and not in text. Talking about the kids or other important issues like finances is one thing, but all the other stuff needs to stop. W was bothered by this and said she can't live like that.

Yep! Another WW sign. Good for you, although, she'll try to put up a good front when her parents arrive. She wants to appear like one big happy family and the two of you are BFF's. When you don't play her game, she tries to act like the victim.

Then she dragged out the dead horse of the MR. She said there's no trust between us and there's no way to get it back. I told her that she doesn't know that, but she was unwilling to listen since I didn't know anyone personally who'd been through a situation like ours and their M survived. I told her I'd read stories online and that there are retreats and workshops where people can work on SERIOUS M problems like ours (talking about Retrovaille, but didn't name it). She didn't express any interest.

Okay, I get it. But the more you protest about a D, the more she's going to push for it. Have you considered giving her just a glimpse of how your relationship will be after D? I know as long as you live under the same roof that she won't get the full picture, however, you could do a few things differently. Once the kids are told, there will be no need for pretenses. And I'm sure you would like to wait as long as possible before having that talk, but my advice is not wait till the last minute. And do NOT leave it up to her to tell them without you there. Her having to explain to the boys is fine, but you must be there to make sure what is said. She will sugarcoat everything, if you allow it.

Then she started going on about how I wouldn't tell her where I was on Saturday. This had apparently REALLY gotten to her. She said she always tells me where she's going. What if something happened to me? How would she know? I said I'm sure she'd eventually find out if something did happen. But she kept coming back to it and wouldn't let it go. She asked if I would have still gone out and not told her, if we hadn't had the D talk Thursday morning. I said maybe I still would have, and I asked her what the point of this was. She couldn't really tell me the point. I think this was about control, not any real sense of jealousy on her part. She's always been very nosy, wanting to know everything.

Exactly! WW's want to know every move the H makes, but she doesn't want him sticking his nose into what she's doing. Trust me, she only tells you what she wants you to believe. From this point going forward (or until reconciliation), you need to give her less and less answers to her questions about what, where, who, and what time you'll be home.

She said with all the changes I've made - skydiving, making new friends, getting new clothes, wearing cologne, getting a passport, joining the Y - and now going out without telling her where, it's like she doesn't know me as the same Holding she knew for the past 21 years. I told her I was sorry those things upset her, but I took a deep look inside and realized I wanted to make some changes to myself.

Good answer! I would have said, "Funny, I was thinking the same thing about you". Yes, it's about control, and WW's are more jealous than they'll ever admit.

The convo started winding down, and I was tired. I put on my sleeping mask and earplugs. I could hear her sighing sporadically for about another 15 minutes before I fell asleep. I didn't respond to the sighs.

You are doing great. You know......her heavy sighs were to get you to notice her and ask if anything was bothering her. She doesn't like it when you can dismiss her easily.

Btw, I completely agree with AS. Everything about your W is wayward, even the detached attitude about the keepsakes of the children's birth. And as for not having a baby girl, what were you going to do, keep having babies until a female showed up? I actually knew a couple who did this, only they had all girls and the H wanted a son. After six girls, the W said enough is enough!