Must've little confused about what you mentioned. I understand that W unafraid to give the MR another try. So are you implying that OM is a plan B that she is keeping around. An issue in a MR was that W felt O wasn't give her enough attention. Which is difficult because the rules say that I should give W space. This contradicts the 180 I need to do in giving W more attention. So I only have so much attention, since Db'ing. And backed off when I felt she didn't want me around.
When I decided to detach, she heavily started to pursue OM for that attention. So my question is did detaching make things worse in my sitch? Do I guve her that attention, while semi-detaching?
Keep in mind that of course I am still working on my own sitch and have NOT resolved much beyond a gut feeling and seeing improved behavior from both of us. But honestly I think here is where your gut should dictate a lot of what you do.
When I initially detached and went on a trip she invited OM over. She in fact discussed being exclusive with him. She was done with our MR. She felt sick in her stomach to think about being with me. Doing all of this also made her feel depressed so she started reaching out more. She told me she felt more compassion towards me once she started doing this. AND of course she saw the nice guy act (she was convinced it was an act that I was making these changes) but she did notice them and she did start to get confused as to what it is she needed/wanted.
However, after I discovered the PA she tried to continue a R with both of us. My initial response (out of fear) was to say: I suppose....... Saying this delayed our process because clearly this wasn't going to work out at all. It confused her. it confused me. Lots of other emotions. BUT while there is not a NC (unless SHE just doesn't want to tell me) I have seen improvements in the way she acts around me. SHE seems to try to figure this thing out. She hasn't said she wants to try again. But she has continued to say she wants to feel in love. While she says that she has done pretty much anything the MC has asked her (both of us) to do. So my gut tells me that while it's not ideal I have to just give this a shot (partially because of my own flaws). It is also the "don't believe anything they say but half of what they do" and what she does is making me think she IS working on our marriage. She is letting go off her emotional support network (her friends...and OM) more and more by being less and less on her phone.
My W has come around a lot (she might be faking it, but then why not just move out, it cannot just be concerns about finances that makes her show more warmth, respect, compassion for me in recent weeks).
It seems that your W isn't quite acting like my W is now BUT she might be working to that point. The fact she is doing something nice. Was she doing that in previous weeks. Is this a recent change? If it is recent I would personally see it as a small step forward. But that is something NONE OF US can know besides you. That's why I say: experiment returning doing some nice things and see how she reacts. If you continue to see small signs of progress keep doing it.
One question though: are you saying she felt OM wasn't giving her enough attention? Or that you weren't giving her attention making her pursue OM? If it is the latter you shouldn't go full pursuit...but making her feel attractive or a kind compliment (non romantic) might be a good idea. That is what I keep reading on here and in DR (and in other online sources).
But this exact problem that by detaching you might give her more reason to interact with OM is what confused and made me scared. Making her decide to go NC OR move out of the home might be what it is you need to do IF you feel she is cake eating. IF you feel it is fear that prevents her from fully recommitting than you can try to remove any source of fear.
OR if you want a shorter answer: if by detaching she grows closer to OM than it means it wasn't meant to be. But, if one of the reasons OM is in the picture is because you weren't there for her or she thinks you don't think she is important to you, than detaching needs to include also doing 180s. How much? which ones? those can only be discovered through trial and error ("see what works").
if it was easy or straightforward, we wouldn't see these long threads that go up and down...
