Even though W and OM didn't know a thing about each other. And have nothing in common. W seems to be a bit obsessed, which causes her to put up a wall in regards to me.
She is not in love with the real person of OM. She is in love with the fantasy of the man she wants him to be. The fact that an affair should be off limits, can increase the thrill.
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When I confront her, I expect there to be at least an acknowledgement on how this hurts me.
Not all, but most WW's in an affair (based on what I read) won't apologize or give the H the type of acknowledgement he wants to hear from her. There have been some WW's who would spit out an angry, "I'm sorry you got hurt" or even "This has nothing to do with you". It is very rare for a WW, who is having an affair, to genuinely acknowledge the pain she's causing. Partly due to her sense of entitlement and self justification.
Let's say she were to acknowledge your pain. Would it be enough? I rather doubt it, b/c you would want to know why, etc. You've said she doesn't talk about OM, except when you bring it up. Nothing is being accomplished.
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Most of the time, I want to know why OM so important that she willing to risk any relationship with me, S13, friends, co-workers and career over being so call 'friends' with this guy.
Can you see how this line of questioning is not currently productive? It leads to a relationship talk. It can't help but lead to a R talk, b/c whatever she says, will be a negative reflection toward the MR. The WW sees nothing beyond her own feelings. She turns a blind eye to everything else. We have seen a few mothers leave their babies to be with some scum ball. To me, that shows how scr@wed the wayward mindset can become.
As for why OM is so important to her, it may surprise you to know that it isn't anything necessarily important about him. In most cases, the WW affairs down, from the man her H is......to some sorry excuse for a man in the form of OM. Why would any woman in her right mind want someone of that caliber? IMHO, it is one of the signs of wayward, rebellious behavior. The A survives b/c of the high she receives. If this A fizzles out, and if she remains in her rebellious frame of mind......she will move on to another OM. She is addicted to the feelings she gets from the whole affair experience, so she will be looking for OM#2. Please understand what I am saying here.
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W doesn't have a clue that I know that when she plays this album, I know that she has just talked with OM, writing about OM or at least thinking about this guy while staring at photos of OM.
So what is your point? I mean, you are the one who is getting hurt here. She has been faced with no consequences for her rebellious behavior. Quite frankly, I don't understand how you plan to use this information. Do you bring it up whenever you confront her? If so, there is one of two things she will do. 1) Ignore your attempts to call her out, b/c she really doesn't care about your feelings; 2) Take the affair deeper underground, so it won't be quite so easy for you to track. Either way, I see no positive results in using it to confront her.
If she had agreed to end the A and have no contact with the OM, then yes, I could better understand your purpose behind gathering this intell. However, unless you intend to follow through with some plan of action.......this information does nothing to help the M.
Here's the thing.......when you call her out about her behavior, and that's all you do........she sees you as being weak. She does not respect you for confronting her and wanting to ask her more questions. Talking is all you are doing. It does not work! So, what else can you do that makes a statement about YOU and what you tolerate and what you don't?
Are you aware of Dropping the Rope Technique?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
