You are NOT weak. What you are experiencing is love for someone else but it does appear as if Train's advice might be your best option at this time.
But it [censored]. If I was in your position I would do what Train said. I may be in that same situation but I seem to be getting more positive interactions (not just words, but actions) from W. You are dealing with a lot of open disrespect towards you and while you may have fear and hurt at the end of the day you may be better off doing what Train said and MAYBE H will recognize he is being an [censored] and try to be better (at which point you of course need to wait and see him being better on a consistent basis)
On a different level: I work on a college campus. If you end up in a very negative financial situation a lot of universities waive tuition for homeless students and have other accommodations for financial hardship. As a professor myself if the texts are too expensive come talk to us. We often have an extra copy or will get it for you. There may be extensions on assignments. Not all of us will work with you but a lot of us understand these situations. In fact, ironically I have helped a ton of female students get out of abusive and hostile relationships by accommodating their schedule. I say ironically, because turns out I was not an ideal H either.
But please whatever happens don't sell your own dream short in pursuing that degree. That is something you work hard for and will have earned. (And here is where I get sad because I recognize I didn't tell my own W this about her dreams of pursuing a PhD and focusing too much on making the financial picture work. I thought she can do it later.)
1. Can you plan for a worst case scenario if H does cut off support? Visit your bank and find out if you qualify for a loan of some sort. It sounds like it's just a matter of time until you have a well-paying job, so the security of knowing there is a source of funds to carry you through if you need it might help you be less fearful. You may also be able to get a loan for retaining an attorney. Another place to query is women's organizations in your area. I do think that H is emotionally abusive (and potentially financially abusive) to you, and with a newborn and your schooling, I'm wondering if there may be some funding or legal help for you through organizations that assist women in tough situations.
2. I don't agree with your parents that you should be twisting yourself in knots and putting up with whatever H wants to throw your way in order to have him not yank support. I feel like it's torturous for you, because you aren't able to make empowered decisions. It is a matter of time until you don't have to worry about finances, so you just need a stop gap in order to not have to rely on keeping H happy with you.
3. On H's end, there may be more to his coming home late and sleeping there. Hey may be reluctant to follow through on leaving and sleeping elsewhere due to what that would mean for custody. Also, I think he thinks it keeps you holding on/happy with him if he's there and not sleeping elsewhere. If H is looking to buy a home, he is likely applying for financing, and child support payments might inhibit that process. So he may be playing a game where he's "technically" home, and paying money, but as soon as he gets a place he may cut you off. What I'm certain that he doesn't want is for you to file for child support, because it's a dose of reality and may inhibit his ability to buy a home.
Really think about that last one. H also knows you have a well-paying job in your future, so it is to his benefit to drag this out and not have you file. That may be driving his behavior. I do also think there is an element of controlling you, here. If he's there every night, he knows what you're doing, he ensures that you can't exactly move on with your romantic life, and he holds onto a connection with you.
I am with OwnIt in thinking that there is zero reason for you not to start the 90-120 day process for support and custody arrangements now. I don't think playing nicely is going to get you anywhere, given that he has a history of cutting you off financially, and I think the current situation is very advantageous to him and not so much for you (outside of finances, but you can think outside of the box there so you're not relying upon his good graces.)
T, having a bit of knowledge of how you view situations, I personally think what holds you back is fear. Fear of being cut off financially, certainly, but I've addressed that in the points above. I also think you fear permanency, given your emotional thinking regarding H purchasing a home (how he was really "done" if he did that.) If you file for support, then it's permanent and you and H are divorcing and that's it. In reality with only logical thinking, that's not necessarily so. It means you would not be shielding H from the direct consequences of his decisions, which is perhaps the best thing for him to start re-thinking his choices. The best thing about it is that you'd be showing via your actions that you accept his decision and aren't trying to control him: you're letting him go, just like he wanted.
You really think he is the kind of guy who will cut off finances to you and his 3 kids, including his newborn baby?
Sorry to be blunt, then you better open up an account, put your some of your joint money in it, and walk, don't run.
I am sorry, I know you want to save this M, but you need to save yourself and your kids first.
I think he did it last time. T, you are entitled to half of what's in the bank (and if I had not had seizures I would have done what I'm saying) so TAKE OUT HALF and maybe some extra for the kids -ask the L about that.
Store up funds.
He's OUT T3 and in my heart of hearts I think you are trying to figure out a way to increase the odds of him waking up and returning.
Honey, I wish I could get you to see 2 things.
1) He's so not worth it, so unreliable;
and
2) IF IF IF he has some awakening it will NOT be b/c you played nice and let him have his cake.
Just the opposite. This is a no brainer to ME, it's merely about timing
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
the advice you are getting is consistent, from different sources and ages.
Get the money and if that means filing now, which I think it does, then file.
He can wake up and smell the diapers LATER.
Now it's survival mode and he's NOT your life line. He has a plan, which Cadence points out well. So now you need one.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
What I'm certain that he doesn't want is for you to file for child support, because it's a dose of reality and may inhibit his ability to buy a home. Really think about that .... Yes. Please really think about that.
He can wake up and smell the diapers LATER. LOL! YES!
These folks are on the money, T. (No pun intended.) And here's the thing: whether your H is going to start questioning his choices and reconsider his decisions or you are going to begin naturally moving on and feeling better, the way you will get there is *EXACTLY THE SAME*. You can stay where you are and twist and spin. But if that's what you decide to do, then your H isn't going to budge ... he's likely just going to get worse ... and you will continue holding yourself and your happiness hostage.
Your H is not paying any consequences for his poor choices. You are already paying the most painful consequences for his choices. You're learning to live with that pain, and it isn't as bad as it used to be. The only real card H has left is the financial one. YOU are holding all the cards after that, T.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
That's why I compare, I know the outcome is the same but it makes me worry he's not a wayward and there's no fog it's just that he has stopped loving me and wants to be amicable.
Would you respond differently, if you knew the latter was the case?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
or if the "fog" means he doesn't want to look like the villain?
What if he has some (limited) insight & concern about how others might see him, and thus must do image management...
and or has internally justified poor behavior before, so he's moving along that "struggle" much faster, to arrive at the place where YOU gave him NO CHOICE...?
What if what you are interpreting as confusion on his end, is not confusion so much as implementing a plan that requires a bit of social finesse to avoid looking bad in other's sight... Would that change anything?
You're not really hearing his words to you b/c they are too painful. And so unkind, yet he feels the need to repeat them.
You tell yourself to believe nothing they say and only half of what they do..
but sometimes that advice just dulls the pain and slows the reaction time.
'Protect yourself asap. Trust your gut.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hi Train-- Yes I am in fear. Fear of losing financial support, fear of missing out on my kids lives, fear of missing out on the baby, fear of being away from them, fear of H never being my H again, the list goes on.
I just feel like this time the advice is semi different. I felt like you guys had hope that things would turn around this time that's not the case. I think that makes me more crappy feeling. More wanting to run in the other direction in my mind.
My plan was actually I'm taking out a large student loan. To have the money as a back up for L and bills. I am not telling H this and will not use the money unless absolutely necessary but it will give me some breathing room and I'll be able to focus on the boys and school. It won't be enough to float everything for more than a couple Months but it will bat least get me through that time. Also if worse comes to worse I'll stop paying the house. Not something I want to do to hurt my credit but if that's what I have to do I will.
I'm not sure if I believe me being nice is why he's paying but I thin me being a bitch will push him to not pay. His mood is just that. His mood. One day he's nice bringing me Fiji water from the store asking to have dinner. The next he can't even look at me and MY mood and my behavior is consistently the same it's his that changes on a daily basis.
So my main fear - me pushing all this permanent stuff means we are done. FOREVER. My feat is he's. It wayward and he just truly doesn't love me and doesn't want to be with me ever. That he sees me so horribly that he can't bear to be with me and would rather not see his kids everyday than be here with me. Thathe cant see that things won't or aren't the way he says they are (me living in the past, thinking he's a cheater, that he will never change etc etc).
I get into this mode every time after I talk to a L because I see this terrible road I'm about to go down and I want to take a UTurn. It's about to get really ugly once this legal road starts not that it's not ugly now but a whole new type of ugly trucking my boys between two homes etc. right now they get to be in their home every night and that's what they want.
Ugh the L I am meeting with next week is 1000 just for a consultation eeek! I may be canceling that because I thought it went toward the 5000 retainer but it doesn't. I used some quick calculators online of what H might have to pay for child support and if we split close to 50/50 he will have to pay me what he's paying now (per the calculator) and if he does like 30/70 he would have to pay me double what he's contributing now. That doesn't include alimony, etc. my dad said it's going to be a huge wake up call because he is so delusional he thinks he's going to go live this great life making all this money now and just be rid of me.
And I'm not sure I could tell him we will be a great happy family after this. He knows I don't believe that... I'm just not sure that would even be worth saying because I believe he will see through what I'm saying.
Oh geez I didn't even realize there was a second page when I just replied to Trains post, thank you everyone!
Ginger- we have kept separate accounts since last BD, we have a joint account we use for bills but we both just put money in there as needed.
Hi Tobias- thanks for stopping by. Unfortunately my professors do not care, suck it up butter cup. But I will not let this stop me from graduating. I have 5 months left! I wish more professors were as understanding as you.
Cadence and 25 - yes he did that last time but I have a separate account and he makes all the money now anyway and pays majority of all household bills so that's it an issue. Fortunately and unfortunately.
I acknowledged the fear in my previous post to train and what you said Cadence is unfortunately spot on. I fear the permanence. I think I look at last time and just think can't you stop this before it gets too far and it's forever and I can't ever forgive you. Before you do so much damage you won't or can't come back. Besides the financial fear. That's the other fear.
And 25 he's not worth it right now but he was .. the other man was.
Ugh. I am getting there you guys. .. I know I suck at this. I feel like a kid at toys r us kicking and screaming being drug out of the store.
AFTER doing what's best for the kids my concern is what's going to save my M. I need to get out of that mindset. I feel like I'm getting there and getting better and closer toward it then something happens (talking to L was the case today) and I'm back worrying about how to get H to wake up.
I feel like everyone here doesn't think he will ever wake up. It stings. I know the truth stings.
I am not going to file for D as of this moment. But I am going to file for financial and custody support. If it is recommended by the next L I meet with. I'm trying to get as many opinions and insight as possible.
Sandi- if I knew the latter was the case That he just doesn't love me I would probably not have hung on like I am just hoping he was in a fog and that was the reason for his behavior and words and that there was HOPE he might come out of it.
Hope this all makes sense. I've had a terrible migraine since yesterday and am just getting home from school. Going to bed early tonight if the baby lets me.
