Something has come up with H that I need to talk about.

To put this in context, I do have to tell you all a bit more about H. He is a police officer. A fellow officer was murdered in the line of duty earlier this year. The colleague was not someone he really knew. H never talked about him, never socialized with him, never worked the same shift as he did, and from what I knew, had very little interaction with him.

When the colleague was killed, H showed very little emotion. He refused to talk with the psychologists that his department provided, he refused to talk with his family, and of course, he was not talking to me. I assume he was talking to OW. However, at one point he did tell me he wished all the attention around his colleague's murder would just go away so life could return to normal (???).

During this time, H has worn a plastic rubber bracelet with his colleague's name and date of death on it. It broke about two weeks ago and H was really upset. He immediately got another one. In the meantime, H had a silver cuff custom made, which he picked up yesterday and has been sporting. The murderer is being prosecuted and H attends all the court appearances and hasn't missed a single one. Even if it means missing S's drop off in the morning.

I bring this up because all of this stirs up a lot of issues for me. I feel triggered. I am angry, jealous, and perplexed.

I am angry because H, at least on the outside, shows such loyalty and dedication to a man he didn't know. And yet, he hasn't shown me and our family any loyalty. I am jealous. And I don't understand it. In my mind, I have tried to explore his motives for his behavior. Ultimately, it leads nowhere. I could speculate until the cows come home, but it gets me nowhere. So what does that leave me? I need to look at me.

I think I know why it bothers me so much. My mom. My mother would hold herself out to be a doting, caring, and loving mother at all times. But secretly behind closed doors, she was terrible. She was physically and emotionally abusive and far from the person she portrayed herself as. I absolutely resented it. And I couldn't believe that people would fall for it. "Oh, your mom is so nice. She is so caring." Uh-huh. If you only knew.

I feel exactly the same way with H. That ridiculous bracelet symbolizes all of those emotions. If I could take it and chuck it into the ocean, I would.

What I want to tell him, in a nutshell, is this:
You are fooling no one, just yourself. It is pathetic how you so desperately want people to believe you are a loyal and caring person, when in reality, the only person you care about is yourself. I hope people can see you for what your true self. I hope people see through the façade you have created.

How do I handle these feelings? I realize where they originate and why I feel as strongly as I do. I realize that it is not up to me to expose the façade. That is in God's hands. He has so got this. I have to keep walking in my light and searching for my truth and leave H to God. I believe that H's false mask is as transparent as saran wrap and sooner or later, if H allows people to get close enough, they will see right through it. Let H be, give it to God. Focus on myself.