Tread: "Then you hear about how the WW doesn't respect you for being soft on these boards."

I get that. Don't be a doormat and we shouldn't be. BUT I do think that if you never showed a soft side (not towards accepting OM but in general) that perhaps it is important to show it. I also wonder how much there is a generational difference in terms of gender roles. I think it depends a lot on how our WW view masculinity and femininity. What MOST women do seem to want is confidence and strength in our self esteem. It depends on the specific woman how much she wants the traditional meat head. Certainly, moving too far AWAY from the dominant male can be risky. But that is where I think a lot of the problems in our sitch come from lack of communication. For example, my W never wanted a guy that just takes her whenever he wants but she does like it when I initiate at a random moments and that I tell her what I want to do to her. I very rarely showed that side (part of it is because she is a sexual assault survivor). My W. likes to fix things in the house and was more upset that I said I would fix it and then never did it and didn't recognize I lacked the skills. She can be lying to me about that but I don't think so. Again, YMMV.

In your case it sounds like the LRT is your best shot. My W has been dismissive about OM's potential to be a BF. Good sex? yes. Having an emotional connection? Yes (my W says she cannot just have sex which makes her now say he is a friend...). So maybe THAT has been a blessing in my sitch that the PA never had a chance to fully develop (thank GOD for OM's horrible work hours). If my W was doing that OPENLY like yours has been doing I would have asked her to leave and said: don't worry I will be fair to you but this is over. Instead I see a W who is doing things that she contributed to our MR to deteriorate and improve on them. And when there is a setback SHE seems to get back to the plan (I sometimes wonder if she is on here because she is applying the advice). Worst case scenario: she is cake eating and wants to just have a peaceful end to things. Given that she is afraid I am not too upset about that scenario. Best case scenario: she sees consistent changes and very little meltdowns and wants to be in this MR again. But she has a lot to work on herself. But all of this is based on me recognizing what I contributed to our marital problems. I was controlling. I was passive. I didn't show self esteem. I didn't come through on promises. I didn't make her feel desired. So my 180s directly connect to that.

Doodler: "There's no way it could be that simple, right?"

I think there is plenty of ammo on this board that tells you it is NOT that simple. I think #1 is easy for those of us who are ready to call it quits. Or at least willing to lose the relationship. Some sitch got resolved with a separation, others stayed in the same house. There is no one-size-fits-all. Some people do EXACTLY what they are being advised to do and succeed, others succeed by finding themselves and moving on. Others do exactly what needs to happen and there is no success.

I think #2 is the better advice except for "move on with life".

What were the reasons for the EA and PA to develop?
What were the things each of us need to improve on?
(Before that: are we ready to forgive the A and are we willing to go on a marathon to see if we can get to the finish line and start a happier MR. Some of us carry more resentment.)

Those answers I think offer us the best insight.

At the end of the day: GAL to me means: work on yourself, have fun, take space and time. But depending on what got you there: address those issues. I think it's Bulldog's post in Sandi's rules that also confirms some of this. And with active involvement in MC and applying the tools and resources. And a lot of validation from her part. All of that is different from what Tread seems to experience EXCEPT for her doing something nice to him. Which is how my W started shifting from cold and mean to more warm.