Here again part 10

[Train]

T, you're not "like" anything. You are a new mom who had perfectly reasonable (and admirable) goals and expectations. And your H pulled the rug right out from under you. So the very FIRST thing you can do to start getting back to YOU is to realize that this current person is NOT you. And she is also *not your fault*.

The only thing standing between "this" you and the real you is fear. It's literally in every sentence you write. And - holy crap! - can we all understand why!!!

Here's the rub: that which we resist persists. The more you fear your H leaving and yanking finances, the more that fear will hang around and scare you and influence every decision you make.

I understand it well. I was crippled with fear that H would pull income, and I knew he would because he did after BD1. My L kept telling me to play nice with H, and even L thought H was a dummy for paying me so handsomely while he was in an active A and I had kicked him out of the house and changed the locks. We knew it would come to an end, but L advised me to keep squirreling it away so that once H *did* pull his income - and you better believe he did! - I'd be able to pay a couple bills. You may not remember, but I stopped paying mortgage, based on L's advice, and decided to wait in the house until we were foreclosed on and the courts/bank evicted me. And I knew I'd have at least 30 days to vacate then.

Shew. These situations blow, T. If I "stay here" too long, I, frankly, begin to remember too much, and it brings up feelings I don't want to have anymore. But my point is this: I finally had to release my fear because I finally came to the realization that at the end of the day, like OwnIt says, I had no control over if or when H was going to financially contribute. I thought I was controlling it by being nice, but I was kidding myself.

You, too, are lying to yourself if you believe that you playing nice is why H is contributing. He could stop at any time. And he's already proven he is a big enough butthole to do it. I know you don't want to tick him off because he may stop paying sooner than later, and that will throw all your plans into a tailspin, and I get that - I do. But you're doing it at the expense of your heart, confidence and spirit ... and then you're asking why you're being "this girl." You're being "this girl" because the one thing you're hanging onto is the very thing that is beating you down into her.

And, T, you're only delaying the inevitable.

I'll give you a bit of advice, but I'd be interested in others' opinions on it:

Perhaps the first thing you can try is a sit-down with H. Be cordial but firm and emotionless. Have a plan worked out and *on paper* that works for you and the boys: specifically, visitation and finances. Present it to H and tell him you truly hope that you guys can be amicable and agree on a temporary arrangement. And tell him that, after giving it more thought, you've realized that maybe he's right, after all: maybe y'all *can* be that awesome, little post-D family - mask your eyerolls when you say this, please - but to be that sweet, little post-D, picket-fence family, he'll need to put his money where his mouth is - literally - and support you and the kids until you get through school. Or at least until you have your own revised plan for school/work and are on your feet. And tell him that what you're offering is probably a helluva lot nicer than it's going to be if/when you have to hire Ls. Remind him, also, how expensive that is. I mean, lay it on THICK, sister. Make him think you're doing HIM a favor. And, I mean, since he wants away from you sooooooo bad .... and since he's sooooooo "done" every other day ...... then surely he will welcome you releasing him to his own whims and fancies while you hold down every ounce of responsibility in the home and family you both created?

And, T, we all hear you loud and clear: it stinks, and nobody wants the kind of responsibility you are shouldering right now. I remember being a single mom of just two young girls when I was working FT and in college FT. It's hard. But, T, it *can* be done. You *can* do it. I know you don't want to. But you CAN. And you will CRUSH it. And you will realize that you're capable of things you never knew you could do. And you will be so proud of yourself. And then you will be the real T, and you won't ever again let your H or ANY man get away with treating you this way.

I promise you have it in you. Just release him. Release your fear. Embrace this new reality. Talk to your professors. Talk to people at work. Talk to your family. Talk to friends. Where there's a will, there's a way!

***

Question: pretend for a moment your H has already left, and he has stopped paying you or is paying you a less-than-manageable amount. Detail for us here what your plan of action would be. What would you have to do to stay in school, pay your bills and manage your family? What are some creative ways you could possibly juggle all three things?