Last night I went to Volleyball with D9. ExH met us there and played. I was carrying 2 camping chairs, and ex just walks over to the court. My guy teammates see m carrying these chairs with a brace and grab them from me and say I shouldn't be carrying them. My ex is really very oblivious to those around him. He is pretty darn good at VB now. I was friendly enough to ask if he wanted to stay with me, D9 and the guys for some food and beer, but he said he had ordered food at home. Good, because I really didn't want him there. I bought for the guys for helping me out last week. They made a mention of how me and the ex have a good relationship. I said yes, it was civil. I really do enjoy hanging out with the guys. It did make me sad I couldn't play, though. Ex is playing again next week, D9 and I will go again. it get's me out and socializing. It rained before the game and I thought it might be called off and I began to panic, because I just can't sit home. My mind can't handle it. Thankfully tonight I am going out for a friends birthday.

I regret more than anything seeing that profile pic of them. I should have stayed away. It won't get out of my head. I keep trying to tell myself it was a stupid 3 month fling we had, nothing serious so it was no big deal. But it isn't working. I have ran every scenario I have about how and when they got together, but I realize it just doesn't matter. They should have been together before were ever were. He wasn't the one for me, I know that now. He's got to do his young guy thing. I need to do my adult thing.

I will be sticking to my PT. Actually, I am looking forward to it. 1) it is SOME form of exercise, 2) it will get me back to my normal active lifestyle, 3) it will keep me busy.

Not being able to exercise is really not doing well for me. I need to not get fat and I have already put on some weight since I was seeing FF, and I am having a hard time shaking it. it goes up and down, but it's going to be so much more diet focused now.

I won't lie, I am stressed, sad, frustrated, hurt, all of that. But I have no choice but to go forward and keep the hope that this isn't the end of my story and this is how my life will be for the next 50 years. I began to tell myself I need to get used to it, but then I realize that better has got be yet to come.