Here again part 10

[25yearsmlc]

T3

Well, yes of course we use comedy as a tool (oh I'm doing a stand up comedy set "dedicated to my stbx" soon, btw). And thank GOD!

Well, your h's family is putting the FUN back in dysFUNctional but hey,

they're NOT fun.

The mom is pathetically weak, which my MIL was too. She called ZERO times when h left me and our 2 d's back a decade ago. She'd only reach out when h was here, which is to say - reach out to HIM... Nice.

When she died, our then d21 spoke and mentioned how she didn't really know her paternal grandmother but that she "hoped" she could learn more about her even now after passing away.

I $hit you not, H and his brother were "really surprised" that my kids did not feel they knew her. What??

How would they? MIL literally never reached out and she visited us once in 22 years - so we had to go see her on the east coast (all 5 of us had to fly to her, never her flying to see us, even on our dime. Nope, she'd "have to leave her dogs". She missed our kids graduations and they were her only grandkids...).

Anyhow, yeah, h's family is not the type to say much real stuff to each other.

And his mom was, per HER childhood bff, "always weak". H's Godmother, was the only one to say "H, you're being selfish")

So yeah, my MIL was useless, and who knows what FIL said... What do you do with that?

Nothing...expect nothing useful from them.

And please don't read into his background or why he does what he does and the shortcomings of his childhood and baggage he hasn't worked out and blah blah blah

he's the father of your kids and he's failing you and the boys. Again.

Still, I do appreciate your insight about his family.

As for YOUR poor family listening to his "sad case" mama's problems, wow, OMG, geez...


THIS^^ is a new one for me here, and that is saying a lot.

[T384]

Both -

The laws suck and me pissing him off will cut the finances and he can still come
Here.

Basically L said- he can stop paying and not pay child support and still come to the home and see the kids. I cannot force him to leave even IF he doesn't financially contribute. I cannot stop him from seeing thekids even if they are not fed or clothed because he won't give money he can still see them.

So if he stops paying I have to file an emergency hearing for emergency support. Emergency is a joke of a word because it takes a minimum of 90-120 days to get in front of anyone and even then t may have to go to a judge to get any type of financial order. So I risk 4 months of NO support at all. AND. He can still come here. I can change the locks but he can change them too. She said it goes both ways.

It's why I feel so STUCK. Florida is no fault. I have told him as I did last night we don't need him here. He moved out June 15 to his boss. Took his bags and went. Then started coming around twice a week to stay the night and help with the baby because of my school and I told him he needed to be in charge those two nights. Well it's now turned into being here 95% of the nights (I didn't ask) and him sitting on the couch and not offering to help. He just strolled in at 10 pm... he text me asking if I needed anything or wanted him to grab me dairy free dinner. I replied no but that he needed to get dog food. He comes in and tries to say goodnight to the boys and I told him he needed to take the baby who was crying. I told him not to come here to stay the night so if he's not going to listen then he can take the baby so I can go to sleep.

I originally didn't say anything about him coming here every night after he first left because I thought ok maybe he's making an effort toward the M and I didn't want to push him away but after last week he told me nothing has changed I realized that's not the case. So I don't know what he's doing here and why he doesn't stay at the boss house like he was. He doesn't leave even a tooth brush here or even do laundry. He brings a back pack and keeps everything in there and leaves nothing here.

I'm tired and rambling I hope what I said makes sense.

I feel damned if I do damned if I don't. I don't really mind him being here as much when he comes home at 10 because I don't have to interact with him. But it also is like this isn't a hotel and I believe he's coming here to put on this show that he's 'doing the right thing' not walking out on us that he's just done with the M but is being a father and painting the picture of how great he is to whomever he's involved himself with.

[T384]

So ya I haven't been that bold ... I have said I don't need you here and you being here isn't working for me. You can come by and take the boys and we can set days up to provide consistency for the boys. But that's as far as I've gone. I've also sent texts when it's late like 9 and he's not here saying don't worry about coming by boys are sleeping.

[Train]

I'll just say this:

He has the balls to tell you he doesn't like you. He doesn't look at you in the way a H should look at a W. He doesn't want to be with you. You don't make him happy. Etc etc etc.

And you're not doing one thing to keep him OUT of that house.

T, this is going to sound harsh, but it needs to be said:

It's no wonder he has no respect for you.

[25yearsmlc]

well,

as for being ;legally stuck, all you know is that the sooner you begin the process, the sooner you can get something in writing.

I had been hospitalized and my L said the "average time" was 90-120 days, so I expected it to go faster, but that's pretty much what it was. (Yeah, I know)...

I lived in my sisters' basement with my dog, for those 4 months, and my d's came for Christmas, sleeping on the floor.

God, I can barely think about that ^^ without wanting to either cry, feel shame, or slap my h's face off...

As for WHY your h is there, & who he is trying to impress or whatever, hey, do you want to spend your energy on that brain screw?

I seriously doubt he knows. Image management, staying connected to the boys, coping with his own guilt, who knows?

MY question is, is it helping you, or making you spin more? Answer that without thinking about what your h's reaction...

So sorry you're here...but try to step back and see the big picture.

(I know it helps me to take the long view, when I get mired in what's going on right now.)

You know *big picture*, you'll be alright, and you'll get through this. But for now, it $ucks.

I get it, I really truly do.

The challenge is to balance the need to be "in the moment" for the boys and to get through the day

and to remind yourself when you get bogged down in the crazy stuff of the day & the pain of your h there in your face but far off in his own world of """NOT knowing"""""

and a baby who needs changing and other sons who want time with you (and "where's dad???") and homework due, and money concerns and all the spinning about your h

that's when you need to literally take a slow deep breath

and remind yourself that you are in great shape.

B/c unlike 90% of the women on our planet, you will have shelter, you will have food, you & your children will have health care (no one will "draft" your sons to join their rebel army and you are in a safe neighborhood) and you will have a job you derive meaning from & you have family who care about you, around you...

Without your h, you will Not have that itchy sweater feeling around your h wondering every few years, or what the heck is happening with him... and In time, T3, you will be at peace. I just know this.

I so wish you could be at peace now.

((( )))

[25yearsmlc]

Yeah, the "Chats" in which he blathers on about how he does NOT care and does NOT feel how he should and does NOT want to stay and wants YOU to shoulder the blame for making him feel blah blah blah

all need to STOP.

You're his w and the mother of his children and he wants out. Okay, so go. Why not tell him to "stop whining and get the he11 out"?

Just asking

[T384]

Ya because I've let him walk all over me since March. The only time I stood up to him he respected my boundary which was when he went out one night and said he wasn't going to come home and I said if you don't come home then don't ever come back here. He came home that night.

Since then he's pretty much done what he's wanted. My. Parents want me to keep things this way. They don't want me to add more stress of him not contributing financially... my dad has the kids a lot so he doesn't have the means to pick up everything H is taking care of and my mom has all her own bills.

I just don't know if I'm ready to cut off my nose to spite my face. My dad said H is never coming back. He's done with me. He's checked out and he's never coming back. And my dad knows him... so if that's the case why risk putting financial stress on myself and instead let him pay so I can continue focusing on the kids and school.

I don't know ... I said talking with a friend I don't know what to do. I don't want a divorce but I don't want him the way he is. I don't see anything changing and I see me getting a D. So if this is what it's going to be and he's taken so much from me already why put more stress on myself of having to work more hours to get by ?

I'm sure that makes me sound weak. It's not that I don't want to piss him off in fear of hurting my chances with him. It's that I don't want to piss him off to put financial stress on myself. I have enough going on in my life I cannot afford to rid my schooling or my boys happiness and I know me losing his financial contributions would take me away from my school because I would have to work and it would take me away from the kids. I just feel like I'm in a no win situation.

I am NOT this person to be this way living like this. Last time I worked two jobs and did it on my own. But I wasn't in school full time and I didn't have a new baby. I don't want to be gone 5-6 days a weeek and miss out on this time that I will never get back. It [censored]. I don't know what is the right decision. I really don't have the 5k retainer right now

[T384]

Hey 25 sorry I missed your posts

I just bring up his family etc as well venting and insight but at the end of the day H is a big boy and capable of being his own man. Many people are dealt shitty hands and still don't walk down the path they witnessed in their childhood. It's a decision he has made. He was given so much here with my family. He had nothing when he met me... which infuriates my parents even more. Yes he's a hard worker but the home we own, all of our assets, everything all started as gifts from my parents. Eh anyway enough of that.

I'm so tired of talking about X Y Z. I get sick just reading what I'm writing. I go back and wish the edit button was there so I could delete half of the things I say. It's disgusting. I'm pining away for a man that threw me away with our newborn. What does that say about me? I don't like who I am right now. I don't like that I've become so weak. I don't like that I'm dependent financially on a man. He acts this way because he feels entitled and he feels like he holds all the cards.

You know I applied for grad school during last BD because of BD. I never wanted to rely on a man financially. We were back together before school started and I went because I wanted to protect myself if anything happened again. I didn't have to go back but boy am I glad I did.

But ya I'm doing a lot of thinking of why am I this way. Why I let a man say such hurtful things and don't stand up for myself. I just don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Who knows.

I'm listening to my baby scream out there... I made H take him. I hate this. I hate hearing him upset. I know if I take him he will go right to sleep. This isn't for the faint of heart. I wouldn't wish this on my own worst enemy... eh well maybe I would on H haha

[OwnIt]

T:

You are in a catch 22 that is not going to improve with time.

At any point in this process he could stop paying for things and disappear.

No matter from which point you start it will take 90-120 days, so why are you waiting.

He is NOT going to get nicer and more cooperative the longer this goes on.

When you have a job and income you will get less in support. Yes he can seek to modify later, but that takes time and money.

You can put on your charm and give him the choice, does he want to come to an agreement (which you can present to the court) or does he want to battle in court. That you are just taking this step to protect everyone and to make things clear to cut out the potential for conflict between the two of you.

I also live in a no fault state (as do most folks these days). My H is the only one on the note and we are both on the deed. I told him to leave. He said he wasn't leaving and it was his house, blah, blah, blah. I told him I would get a kick out order to have him removed. He ran out of the house like a scared chicken saying he had to work an overnight shift (which he had never done before). I drove to her house, took pictures of his car outside. They saw the flash and I saw them inside. He had blocked my phone so I emailed him and told him to come out. When he did I told him I wanted the key and garage remote (he had already shown up once in the house when we were out claiming he wanted to start over).

My point, there is law and then there is reality. If you tell him to get the h*ll out and don't come back, he will probably do it. First try to be charming and get him to agree to pay you a specific amount of support and agree on certain visitation (FL probably has a standard for the non-custodial parent). If you have a contract he will be less likely not to pay in the 90-120 day period and that hearing should be cheaper and easier because of the agreement.

I think you are afraid of pushing him further away. Too late for that. Train's tough love approach will serve you better than being nice or weak at this point.

The only thing I have going for me now is that my H is scared to death of me (and I set the mortgage to pay after he gets paid--no money in my account and I don't pay it--guess who takes the credit hit).

[Train]

T, you're not "like" anything. You are a new mom who had perfectly reasonable (and admirable) goals and expectations. And your H pulled the rug right out from under you. So the very FIRST thing you can do to start getting back to YOU is to realize that this current person is NOT you. And she is also *not your fault*.

The only thing standing between "this" you and the real you is fear. It's literally in every sentence you write. And - holy crap! - can we all understand why!!!

Here's the rub: that which we resist persists. The more you fear your H leaving and yanking finances, the more that fear will hang around and scare you and influence every decision you make.

I understand it well. I was crippled with fear that H would pull income, and I knew he would because he did after BD1. My L kept telling me to play nice with H, and even L thought H was a dummy for paying me so handsomely while he was in an active A and I had kicked him out of the house and changed the locks. We knew it would come to an end, but L advised me to keep squirreling it away so that once H *did* pull his income - and you better believe he did! - I'd be able to pay a couple bills. You may not remember, but I stopped paying mortgage, based on L's advice, and decided to wait in the house until we were foreclosed on and the courts/bank evicted me. And I knew I'd have at least 30 days to vacate then.

Shew. These situations blow, T. If I "stay here" too long, I, frankly, begin to remember too much, and it brings up feelings I don't want to have anymore. But my point is this: I finally had to release my fear because I finally came to the realization that at the end of the day, like OwnIt says, I had no control over if or when H was going to financially contribute. I thought I was controlling it by being nice, but I was kidding myself.

You, too, are lying to yourself if you believe that you playing nice is why H is contributing. He could stop at any time. And he's already proven he is a big enough butthole to do it. I know you don't want to tick him off because he may stop paying sooner than later, and that will throw all your plans into a tailspin, and I get that - I do. But you're doing it at the expense of your heart, confidence and spirit ... and then you're asking why you're being "this girl." You're being "this girl" because the one thing you're hanging onto is the very thing that is beating you down into her.

And, T, you're only delaying the inevitable.

I'll give you a bit of advice, but I'd be interested in others' opinions on it:

Perhaps the first thing you can try is a sit-down with H. Be cordial but firm and emotionless. Have a plan worked out and *on paper* that works for you and the boys: specifically, visitation and finances. Present it to H and tell him you truly hope that you guys can be amicable and agree on a temporary arrangement. And tell him that, after giving it more thought, you've realized that maybe he's right, after all: maybe y'all *can* be that awesome, little post-D family - mask your eyerolls when you say this, please - but to be that sweet, little post-D, picket-fence family, he'll need to put his money where his mouth is - literally - and support you and the kids until you get through school. Or at least until you have your own revised plan for school/work and are on your feet. And tell him that what you're offering is probably a helluva lot nicer than it's going to be if/when you have to hire Ls. Remind him, also, how expensive that is. I mean, lay it on THICK, sister. Make him think you're doing HIM a favor. And, I mean, since he wants away from you sooooooo bad .... and since he's sooooooo "done" every other day ...... then surely he will welcome you releasing him to his own whims and fancies while you hold down every ounce of responsibility in the home and family you both created?

And, T, we all hear you loud and clear: it stinks, and nobody wants the kind of responsibility you are shouldering right now. I remember being a single mom of just two young girls when I was working FT and in college FT. It's hard. But, T, it *can* be done. You *can* do it. I know you don't want to. But you CAN. And you will CRUSH it. And you will realize that you're capable of things you never knew you could do. And you will be so proud of yourself. And then you will be the real T, and you won't ever again let your H or ANY man get away with treating you this way.

I promise you have it in you. Just release him. Release your fear. Embrace this new reality. Talk to your professors. Talk to people at work. Talk to your family. Talk to friends. Where there's a will, there's a way!

***

Question: pretend for a moment your H has already left, and he has stopped paying you or is paying you a less-than-manageable amount. Detail for us here what your plan of action would be. What would you have to do to stay in school, pay your bills and manage your family? What are some creative ways you could possibly juggle all three things?