Thank you. One of the reasons that I post is because I know that when most of us come here we are only desperate to get our M back. That is usually our only goal. I think it is helpful for posters to see how things do change after the S comes back, because really it is not rainbow pooping unicorns, but a lot of hard work and heart ache. When my H DB me, I fell hard and my focus was on if he was coming back and what I could do to get him back. That energy doesn't work to bring them back and if anything it pushes them further away. Nobody wants an insecure, needy, desperate person, do they? Mostly it is self torturous and digs us deeper in our pit of despair. Posting also helps me to journal my feelings and has been quite therapeutic.

I cannot go back and tell my wounded self these things, so telling all of you feels second best :-) So even if your S comes back, even if you both want to work things through, and even if you navigate your way through peicing--even then--that old M, pre-DB, is gone. You never get the innocence back. That is a hard pill to swallow. It will never be the same. It behooves you the most to accept it is over and grieve the end of it now. While there is so much of my H's character that is the same, the dynamic between us is different. We have to decide now how to have a new and better M, despite all the painful history, because it doesn't just disappear with reconciliation.

The reason I believe in this DB philosophy is that in my mind it is the only way to heal and move forward. There is nothing you can do to force or entice them back. The only thing you can do is set them free. In the mean time, what you can control is yourself. You can choose each day to love yourself, process the grief, and work towards becoming the best version of you. Let's face it, as our M fell apart, we also know that we lost our ideal self in there. This is your time to face that.

As you begin to grow and change, over time (perhaps months or years), they will most likely notice. It is usually then that they decide to look back at you, and the M, and have second thoughts. Although many don't. And often when they do, we have gotten stronger and healthier, and now we may not like what we see anymore! If they simply come back without having done their own work, then it may not be good enough for us. It takes two strong partners to navigate piecing successfully.

If they don't come back? Then you still get to have success. The measuring stick of success changes when you come here. It is now about you and your own journey. The better you does not want a person that can and will hurt you and not look back. A better you doesn't want a liar, a cheater, and a person that can walk out on their family. The better you is now ready for a better other.

Did I just create some sort of DB commercial? lol. I mean it tho. .... Let it gooooo ....

Blu

“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela