Finding my way in the dark - Part 2

[Holding]

Sunday we went to the waterpark. S14 stayed at home (grumpy teenager, who doesn't know this is his last chance for these memories). So it was just me, W, and S10. Going to this park is a yearly thing for us, so being there, with a woman who looks like my W but now wants a divorce, was surreal. She kept trying to make small talk with me (seriously?), and I gave her minimal responses, just so S10 wouldn't notice me completely ignoring her. I just didn't want to be around her. I would look at her back with disgust. Then I'd look at the back of her neck and think about kissing it. Thanks for that, brain!

While there, we met up with her sister's family and kids, so I had to pretend to be normal with them (though I wasn't wearing my ring and they might have noticed. They do know we're having issues.) W's demeanor changed and she immediately went from somewhat somber to outgoing, laughing, and talkative. Everyone started talking about how we might go back next weekend, and how we might go to the beach in August, and plans for that. And I'm just like, what is happening? I'm not going to be seeing these people much longer. It's like I'm stuck in the twilight zone.

When we got in the car to leave, W said "Thanks for doing that. I know it's not fun for you to be around me right now." The words themselves may not sound bad, but she said it in a passive aggressive way. I just responded "OK".

Back at home, W asked if her parents could still stay at our house when a different SiL has her baby within the next 2 weeks (something I'd previously agreed to). I told her yes again. I have no issue with her parents, as they actually tried to talk some sense into my W, but ultimately failed. But it will be AWKWARD!

We watched Game of Thrones together, and had our usual banter about what's going on, who did what, what happened in the past, etc. But I was regretting watching with her, and I was thinking this is probably the last time.

About an hour later, when we're both ready for bed, W decided that I'd apparently been softened up enough, and started trying to talk about things. I started off saying I'd said everything I needed to on Thursday. She said we needed to discuss our next steps, and talking to the kids. I told her I didn't want to talk about it, but she kept pushing. I asked her if she was trying to fast-track things, and she said there's no fast track here, we have a 60 day waiting period.

We talked about telling the kids. I told her I couldn't stand in front of the kids and pretend this was something I wanted. I shared Sandi's story about the LBH who lost out on his relationship with his dad. I said I wasn't willing to lie to my kids about the reason, and risk my relationship with them. She said, "So am I going to be the bad guy?" I told her that wasn't what I was trying to say, and I realized the kids need to have a R with her as well. She was upset that I wasn't going to play along. Interestingly, she thought the most upsetting part of Sandi's story was that the LBH was angry and resentful of his parents for getting a D. I think that shows a real lack of perspective - and frankly - selfishness on W's part.

I said I couldn't do the small talk and friendly banter with her any more. It didn't feel right. We can do it for the kids in front of them, but not between just us, and not in text. Talking about the kids or other important issues like finances is one thing, but all the other stuff needs to stop. W was bothered by this and said she can't live like that.

W asked if I wanted her to move into the guest bedroom. I said I didn't know. She said we'd have to talk to the kids first. She asked if I wanted her to move out. I said that was up to her. She said she loved her kids and didn't want to leave them.

She asked me if I thought this was easy for her. I told her I was sure she was going through her own version of pain. She said she can't concentrate at work, just stares at her screen. She said she's going to meet with a doctor to get treated for ADHD (both our sons have it and she knows they got it from her, but she's never been treated for it).

We talked about legal issues. She said we could start the mediation process with her L friend, and if I felt I was being treated unfairly, I could start over with my own L. She asked if I needed the names of any Ls. I told her I had some names and I was fine. She actually made fun of me at that point, mocking my tone of voice and saying "I have some names and I'm not going to tell you who I'm talking to, W." I just ignored it.

I can't believe she told me the next thing. She said she'd been getting advice from her L friend for months. The L friend has been giving her R advice, telling her about the D process, how to know if you're ready for D, etc. After that I'm thinking there's NO WAY I'd consider her L friend as representing me too. That seems like such a conflict of interest for L friend to even represent my W.

Then she dragged out the dead horse of the MR. She said there's no trust between us and there's no way to get it back. I told her that she doesn't know that, but she was unwilling to listen since I didn't know anyone personally who'd been through a situation like ours and their M survived. I told her I'd read stories online and that there are retreats and workshops where people can work on SERIOUS M problems like ours (talking about Retrovaille, but didn't name it). She didn't express any interest.

She said she wasn't a horrible person, but I could think of her as a b**ch if I wanted to, if it was easier for me. She said she loved me, just not in the way I wanted her to love me. She asked if I missed her while she was gone on her recent trip, and I said yes. I asked her if that would have made any difference if I'd told her at the time. She said no.

Then she started going on about how I wouldn't tell her where I was on Saturday. This had apparently REALLY gotten to her. She said she always tells me where she's going. What if something happened to me? How would she know? I said I'm sure she'd eventually find out if something did happen. But she kept coming back to it and wouldn't let it go. She asked if I would have still gone out and not told her, if we hadn't had the D talk Thursday morning. I said maybe I still would have, and I asked her what the point of this was. She couldn't really tell me the point. I think this was about control, not any real sense of jealousy on her part. She's always been very nosy, wanting to know everything.

She said with all the changes I've made - skydiving, making new friends, getting new clothes, wearing cologne, getting a passport, joining the Y - and now going out without telling her where, it's like she doesn't know me as the same Holding she knew for the past 21 years. I told her I was sorry those things upset her, but I took a deep look inside and realized I wanted to make some changes to myself.

The convo started winding down, and I was tired. I put on my sleeping mask and earplugs. I could hear her sighing sporadically for about another 15 minutes before I fell asleep. I didn't respond to the sighs.

The lack of any mention of OM in the entire conversation is EXTREMELY interesting.

How am I doing here? It feels like things are about to get real contentious.

[doodler]

holding,

So much of what you said sounds so familiar. I remember those days.

I'm not an expert on any of this marriage and DB stuff, but I'll tell you what I'd do in your current situation:

1. Lawyer up.
2. Tell the wife it's time for her to leave.
3. Get her some boxes and tape.

I wouldn't do that to be mean. It's time for her to ante-up and stop playing on your emotions. It's time for her to really understand what it means to be without her family.

Again, I'm no expert at this stuff, but if I had it to do over again, I would've taken decisive action early in the process. I think that would've given me a better chance of saving my marriage.

[Holding]

Thanks doodler!

I guess we need to tell the kids so W can either move out of MBR or house entirely.

Something I've never mentioned in this whole thing is that W may be having a MLC as well. Lots of weight loss, interest in new activities, new clothes. Plus she blames me for us never having a 3rd child - she wanted a daughter and I got a vasectomy 5 yrs ago.

[Btrow]

- she wanted a daughter and I got a vasectomy 5 yrs ago.

Well maybe you should have discussed the procedure with her before doing it.

[Holding]

Well maybe you should have discussed the procedure with her before doing it.

I do regret I didn't discuss it more, and it's one of the real "time machine" moments in my life. But W knew it was happening - I told her and we talked about it, although I'd already made up my mind. She even drove me to the appointment.

[Btrow]

Sorry holding, I was just trying to make a WAS joke, you know they blame your for all the problems in the world, even if they were "in" on it at the time.

I see now it was more or less your own decision. Sorry, bad joke...

[Holding]

No problem. Guilty as charged

[Holding]

W took the guest bedroom tonight without saying a word to me.

I also saw something concerning in some trash bags. W cleaned out the closet over the weekend, getting rid of a lot of old clothes and shoes. I saw she threw away all the cards and notes people had sent when our sons were born. This included birth and baptism announcements. My scrubs from the hospital were in there too. (I saved some things.) Is this in any way normal?

[OwnIt]

No, that is not normal behavior. She held onto them for 10 and 14 years and is now tossing them? I have the baby's hat, my armband, the name from the hospital crib, my name on the door, the umbilical clips (washed), etc. I am not a sentimental person and I throw things away all the time. I would never throw these things away.

[Rose888]

I disagree. I think it's perfectly normal to throw these things out, although I personally would keep one copy of each birth and baptismal announcement.

Just from the three of us, it's clear there is a wide range of normal. I think some of the things you and Holding kept are more odd than his wife throwing things out. 😉