What should I be doing now? (Filing for D soon)

[Coconut]

previous thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2714710&page=1

real quick status update. My WW and I don't communicate except about son, I haven't seen her since I left my previous job (where she worked) in February and we haven't really talked about R or anything else since... well, honestly I don't remember.

I'm getting close to going ahead and filing for divorce... I know someone's going to say "how would that change your life right now", and I will reply that I wanted to buy a lottery ticket Saturday, but I didn't because the thought of having to give her half (if I won) made me vomit in my mouth.

Anyway, I haven't filled out the paperwork yet, but I've been thinking about doing it more and more often, so I know that indicates i'll be doing it soon.

[Coconut]

Ok, I think I need some advice.

I'm going to try and keep the background info short:

I introduced my wife to 2 of my high school friends that are married after we got together. I have known them for almost 30 years, so it was nice when my wife and my friend (female) really hit it off and enjoyed hanging out throughout our M. They weren't "best" friends, but would hang out or talk once a month or so.

Anyway, this friend happened to be the first friend that my W talked to about her A (after I found out about it), and this friend somewhat supported my W relationship with the OM. They would talk about OM and what was going on, she basically gave my WW someone to share that seedy part of her life with.

So it came to a head when I found out that my WW and this friend had concocted a story (that they were going to tell me) of going out together one night, so that they could meet up with OM so my friend could meet him. I heard my WW tell OM that she really wants to meet you.

Anyway, when I found out about this, I pretty much lost it. I tried calling my friend, who didn't answer, then I text her that I couldn't believe she was supporting my W having an affair, and that she really hurt me and I was disappointed in her.

After I text her, she blocked my number on her phone, and unfriended me on all social media, and we never spoke again. Although I've also been friends with her H since highschool, we don't hang out unless it's with other people, and just happens that I haven't seen him, or spoken to him, since that day.

I saw on facebook about 3 days ago that her and her husband moved to my state recently, and happened to move right next to my best friend from high school (the only person I knew when I moved to NC), and all 4 of us where friends back in high school, so they also know each other and hang out.

I go to my buddie's house for Sunday dinner often, his mother (who I also know very well) also goes over and we have a big family dinner. Last night I walked in the house and his youngest daughter tells me that my WW's friend says hello. I kind of just sat there because she used her first name, and I was trying to process if she was talking about her or someone else with the same name, and finally I said that's great, tell her I said hello. At one point the kids went outside and my buddies wife says that she's sorry that she said that, the kids aren't aware of any issues between me and that friend.

I wasn't going to mention anything to my buddy and his wife about what had occurred in the past with this friend, although I don't like the person my friend showed herself to be, I don't carry around any anger towards her and would just be cordial to her.

But when my buddies wife said that, I asked my friend what that was about (as his wife quickly went out back), and what friend had told them. He said nothing really, just that I had had issues with her because she was friends with my W after our S.

So I told my buddie that it wasn't about her simply being friends with my W, it was that she supported something my W was doing that was detrimental to our marriage. then the kids came back in the house and that was all that was said.

Ok, so here's my issue.

I'm pissed... I wasn't going to bring anything up about it at all, was just going to be cordial when she was around and not start drama. But now, she's told them we don't "get along", which is fine with me, but instead of telling them the truth about why, she made it seem that I was upset about something as petty as her picking my wife's "side" after our split.

My instinct is to just lay it out for my buddy so he knows the truth, but I'm still hesitant because I don't want to surround myself with drama, and I also don't want to create drama for my buddy and our other friends (his new neighbors).

Watcha think?

[Coconut]

As I read this again, I kind of feel that I said enough when I told him it was about her supporting my W in doing something detrimental to our M.. I think that got my message about it not being for something petty and will just leave it at that.

sometimes just writing it out helps put things in focus.

[Tread]

You need to tell your friends abiut everything going on. Also your friend you is excusing the behavior of your WW. You need to tell her H that she is possibly running around behind his back. Sounds as if your W found a partner in crime. People need to know what's going on. Because she sure won't hesitate to spin a story on you. If your W is being this blantant with the A, then go-ahead and file if you believe it's time to drop the rope.

[doodler]

Coconut,

I rarely talk about my XW with anyone unless I'm asked. I've only told one person the entire story. I know that my XW has told anyone who will listen just how mean and evil I am. But, I feel like keeping my mouth shut is the best approach for me. I'm the same nice guy I've always been. People can see that I'm not the monster that XW depicts and if I try to defend myself I look weak.

I don't know if that helps, but that's my approach.

[Coconut]

Tread, I no longer hold the rope... heck, the callouses that it caused have even healed now. also, I think telling other peoples spouses are possibly running around behind their back because they didn't ostracize my wife for doing so, is pretty harsh and detrimental to other marriages.

doodler, I am of the same boat. I only speak of my W when it is in the context of my life, past and present, and I do take pride in my new found ability to not be demeaning about her to others. My only reasoning for thinking about laying it all out was because of the half truths, but I do agree that my silence on the issue will speak louder than me feeling the need to try and defend myself.

[sandi2]

Just let it go.

[25yearsmlc]

Tread, I no longer hold the rope... heck, the callouses that it caused have even healed now. also, I think telling other peoples spouses are possibly running around behind their back because they didn't ostracize my wife for doing so, is pretty harsh and detrimental to other marriages.-

Agreed. Long details do not benefit you in the long run; they make you look petty and vindictive and maybe even dishonest.

There is a tendency in our society to WANT to blame the victim so that people think it won't happen to them. The more details you provide the more fodder you give them, ironically.

(Any detail that varies from THEIR lives, shows that you deserve this, AND OR any details that are at odds with your wife's, creates doubt & fuel for debate AND OR anything you actually do get wrong, like where the concert was, or whatever, costs you credibility). Try to see these idiot moments as opportunities to show your honor & strength.


The "oh so supportive" friend's wife, could have done much of what your post said - without me necessarily thinking she supported your wife in deceit.

UNTIL

the story concoction to meet OM... that was the first clear boundary crossing (I mean, did the friend want to see if this guy was a charlatan axe murderer so she could warn your w not to leave you???)

THEN unfriending you after the text expressing your pain (which I assume was not vulgar or threatening) was when she made clear that somehow, for whatever reason

she has officially and needlessly chosen.

I have no idea why the kid said "she says hi". WTF? But don't spend another precious brain cell on that brainscrew.

Helping a woman lie to her h is deceit; it's not just being supportive to your friend. There is a distinction that is not always clear, but this one was clear.

Years ago, A long time friend of mine asked me once to say I was with her the previous night "in case h asked".

I was mostly offended, to be honest. I said "Friend, we've known each other since elementary school. Is this really the type of thing you think I would help you with?

You could hide in my house for a year if he was violent, but lying to him about where you were last night? Um, NO..."

She never asked again.

Sorry you had to deal with that. Stress to your "still friends" how much you value their friendship and try your a$$ off to be upbeat around them. I know, I know, this all stinks.

But some of these people mean a lot to you, right? I think this will be temporary, but it's like a little turd on top of the $h1t cake you have been served.

((( )))

[hoosjim]

Wow, coconut, parallels keep popping up between yours and my sitches. I, too have a good friend (possibly my best friend) as you know from reading my threads, whose W (although in his case his wife is currently separated-- actually a WW) was supportive of my own W's A. (Our wives are also best friends and that's how my friend met her). Come to understand that I don't think she was a "rah rah go get that OM!" cheerleader, BUT... under the guise of wanting her friend (my W) to "just be happy", she participated in the A cover up and hung out at some social situations sith my W and OM.

For me, this gets particularly tricky because my own best friend is still completely convinced he can get back together with his own wife by "Being her best friend" and "always being loving and being there for her" and basically appeasing her and looking the other way whenever she has an Affair. This would include the A she is currently having (though, yes, they ARE separated) with a mutual friend whom he HAD considered HIS best friend back before the affair came to light last fall. At any rate, he has now become a "man of faith" (absolutely genuine and sincere, I am convinced... and I am one myself) after having been an avowed atheist, and places his loyalties/priorites in this order: God, WW, Children, friends (of whom I am one). He will hear NO ill words spoken of her and says he "wouldn't care anyway because he instantly forgive s her for anything she does wrong" which "gives him peace."

So, yeah, I really can't say anything about his W enabling my own W's affair without damaging that friendship (which has already happened to a small degree) and, besides which, he thinks I am totally ill-advised to be doing anything manipulative or investigative WRT my own W and that if I am not doing what he is doing I will "never be happy." IOw, he wouldn't at all blame his own W for her role in my W's A because he would say my W, like his, has to "go on her own journey" pretty much even if that means sleeping around with half the state... or at least over the course of three other A's as his own W has.

So, yeah, pretty tough dynamic, and I understand. As Sandi says, you probably just have to let it go. If someone says something hurtful about you, I would probably try to correct the record, so to speak, but beyond that you can't control what others are doing.

Sorry if that seemed like a bit of threadjack, but I get where you are coming from

[25yearsmlc]

Just let it go.

I could have just said "THIS^^^"