Finding my way in the dark - Part 2

[sandi2]

Just as I was about to leave for work, she came home from working out. I asked her if she wanted to talk about things, and she agreed. She could tell I was a little agitated and said she didn't want this to be a fight. I said this wouldn't be a fight.

She starts out saying we've both been unhappy for a long time and we need to work on a new way to get along. I ask what she means and she really just pauses forever and stares at the floor. I then asked her if she wanted to get a D, and she said yes. I said "okay, what have you been waiting for?" She said she wanted to talk to me about it to see how I feel. I told her "This isn't what I want, but I've realized I'm going to be fine. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine." She said she still cares about me and wants to know I'll be okay. I said "You don't care about me. When we're divorced, we're not going to be friends or buddies. You're just going to be the mother of my children." She said she realized that, but we need to figure out how to get along for the kids. I agreed and said we'd figure that out.

Excellent.

So I decided I wasn't going to torture myself with these secrets about OM any more. I knew I would eventually confront with this info, and it felt like the time to do it.

So I walk over and ask "Who is (OM's name)?" She said he's an old friend. I asked when she met him and she said when she was 15. (OM lives in our hometown, where W and I lived until about 11 years ago).

I asked if she ever talked to him, and she said sometimes.

I asked what they talked about, and she said just stuff.

I asked if he was moving to our city (she had emailed him house listings in our school district), and she said no.

I asked if he was going on her Europe trip, and she said no.

Then I told her I had gone onto her work phone and seen stuff. When I asked her why she emailed him her trip details, she said she was excited and wanted to send it to him. I asked why she hadn't sent it to me and she replied that I wasn't talking to her. She reiterated that he's just a friend. I said I didn't believe her.

I told her I'd seen that she sent him house listings in our area, houses with 3 and 4 bedrooms that would be too big for just her and the 2 kids. I asked what was up with that. She said she wasn't going to buy a house and didn't have any plans. I told her I didn't believe her.

I told her I knew she was face-timing with him. I said I knew she had done it on the night that she "couldn't sleep" and went into the guest bedroom, with the TV on, for 2 hours. I said I don't deserve that kind of disrespect from someone who's pretending to be my wife. She said she was sorry.

You now know she is a liar. I use to pride myself on never lying. I hate lying with a passion. When I arrived on the board, I was told that all cheaters lie. It was tough to take, but that statement is true. She is a wayward wife, and you will not be able to trust her again, unless she ends the A, reconciles the MR......and proves she is done with OM. She will have to earn back your trust. However, that may not happen very soon.

Part of me wonders if, since I confronted W about the OM, she will hit rock bottom. That it will make her really realize what she's gotten herself into, and that I know about it. But that is such a LOOOONG shot at this point. And I'm not sure I want to go back.

From what I have learned about WW's, it is seldom the words of the H that cause her to hit rock bottom. (However, his actions can certainly help it along). Actually, she doesn't "have" to hit rock bottom, but it is common. The school of hard knocks, better know as reality, causes her fantasy world to colaspe. That is what works. If the H will drop the rope, won't try to rescue her, won't pursue her, and won't be her BFF......life has a way of bringing things into the light and opening the eyes of a WW.

I am very excited you told her you would not be friends. The little chat she wanted in the bedroom, and the direction she wanted to take the conversation at the end of your confrontation, was down the "let's remain good friends". No, you don't stay friends with someone who betrays you. You can be civil, but not pals. For some reason (and I have a theory of why) the WW typically wants the H to be her BFF. Big mistake, if he does!!

At some point during the conversation, I told her that I didn't think D was the solution to our problems, but I respect her opinion. She asked what the solution was. I said I didn't know, but I don't think it's divorce.

Okay, you've expressed your opinion about D not being a solution. I suggest you don't make the mistake I see in many other H's. Do not repeat that statement, or tell her how you don't want a D. I see H's doing that every chance they get, and it makes them look pathetic. She knows you don't want it. Don't remind her every time she turns around. If anything, it would be more effective if she thought she was losing you b/c of her infidelity. That's why she want to remain buddies, so she doesn't completely lose you.

The one thing I have seen all WW's respect, is strength. You may not feel very strong before all of this is over, but you need to act as if you are. Act as if you deserve a woman who will love you and be faithful to you. Don't chase after someone who wants to discard you like the trash.

This is going to crush my youngest son. Just 2 days ago he was asking when we were going to Disney World again. I don't think my W has prepared herself for how he's going to react. My god, he was so emotional on his last day of elementary school.

Let me give a piece of advice, from when I was wayward. Your WW will want to cover her a$$ with the kids. She will want to make it sound as if this is an agreement that both, she and daddy, have made. When I was first posting.......as a WW, I felt that the H should "protect" the kids.......but really it was the WW I thought he should cover. When I was told by one of the LBH's that he refused to lie to his children to cover his W's affair.....it really hit my heart hard. B/c I was guilty. As a mother, that's usually the last thing you want your children to know about you. If they (especially the teenager) finds out you have lied (and they always do), they will feel they cannot trust either of you. That deceit will do a lot of damage. So, I urge you and every other man to never let the WW decide what will be told to the children! You are the offended one, you say what you want them to know. We had a LBH not too long ago, who had been distant with his own father ever since his parents divorced. As he was encouraged by the board, he went to see his father, and to tell him about his marriage problems. That's when he learned the truth behind the D of his parents. His mother was the one who wanted the D. She had been in an A, and his father agreed to not say anything about it. As a result, the father forfeited a relationship with his son. Every parent should learn from that man's heartbreaking experience, and don't do what the cheater wants........which is for you to go down in the flames for them. They want to come through D looking like a peach!

Yes, use age appropriate language, and be discrete by not giving the dirty details. But do not deceive your children, and do not take the fall for your W. It is not the honorable thing to do. The honorable thing is to tell the truth to your kids. If you don't want the family to split, then why on earth would you tell your children it was what you both want?

Let them know they had nothing to do with the M not working. They are loved and will be continue being loved, having a home, and seeing both parents. Usually, school aged kids want to know if they have to change schools, move away from their friends, etc. they want to know how this D is going to affect their lives.

You are going to get through this ordeal.

[Holding]

Sandi, thanks so much for stopping by and dropping your wisdom.

We had a LBH not too long ago, who had been distant with his own father ever since his parents divorced. As he was encouraged by the board, he went to see his father, and to tell him about his marriage problems. That's when he learned the truth behind the D of his parents. His mother was the one who wanted the D. She had been in an A, and his father agreed to not say anything about it. As a result, the father forfeited a relationship with his son. Every parent should learn from that man's heartbreaking experience, and don't do what the cheater wants........which is for you to go down in the flames for them. They want to come through D looking like a peach!

Wow. This story really blew me away. Thanks for sharing it. I'll confess I've been in the "protect the kids" camp, but this really has me rethinking things. I've always thought it was a jerk move to expose the kids to the parents' dirt. I can't really mention the A, since W is denying things. But I guess I don't have to sit there and say "we just don't love each other any more".

If you don't want the family to split, then why on earth would you tell your children it was what you both want?

YES! For me, a marriage commitment is EXTREMELY serious, and I find the whole idea of divorce to be completely alien. I can see how, by making it seem to my kids like I'm cool with the idea of divorce, I'm letting my wife steal the values I'm trying to teach them.

[doodler]

I can't really mention the A, since W is denying things.

holding,

My XW still claims that the OM is "just a friend." Keep that in mind. Don't help your wife hide the truth. When they're in the fog there's a lot of cognitive dissonance and outright lying; stay the course and don't waver.

[Cristy]

I hate to do it but.... with the link Christy sent me from MWD on how to talk to the kids when one parent wants the divorce and other posts I have read I am prepared to talk to them. It will kill me to look at there faces when this happens, like you said that your youngest son will be crushed, I think all my kids especially my D11 will be devastated. I hate that innocent children are now collateral damage because my WW thinks she can make a better life for herself. I also feel that once they know I can really 180/LRT and detach, this has been hard from me while keeping our sitch from the kids.

Hello holding,

Michele has an excellent article regarding telling the children. Please email me directly and I will be happy to send it to you.

SmokeyD- I know you already told the kids, but I'm happy to send it to you as well, just email me.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[sandi2]

Originally Posted By: holding
I can't really mention the A, since W is denying things.

Why?

[Holding]

Originally Posted By: holding
I can't really mention the A, since W is denying things.

Why?

That would feel like a really dirty move, to level that at her in front of the kids. If she admitted it, I might feel differently. But as she's denying, I suppose there's a small chance she's not having an A.

[Btrow]

But as she's denying, I suppose there's a small chance she's not having an A.

They normally deny it... To avoid them providing you with ammunition. Also who'd want everybody to know that their relationship started out as a dirty little A. Not to say she's having one.

[Holding]

It's weird how every phase of this process feels like the "end". Bad chit happens, it breaks my heart a little and I wonder how much longer I can go on, then I process things and am doing better in a couple of days. Then more bad chit happens. Wash, rinse, repeat. I'm tired of the marathon.

A WAS cannot look back until you've fully opened the cage door and let them go, so it usually gets worse before it gets better.

Acc's quote here I think it's a good description of the phase I'm in. Things are getting worse, up and down, where I'd hoped it would be all business from here on out.

So just to recap, W said she wanted D on Thursday morning. Thursday during the day, she texted me a funny pic. I'm thinking, why is she sending me this, and I never responded. That night I brought my son to the Y and came home late. I said maybe 10 words to her. She asked if I got her pic, and I said yes. She started saying something about she thought I would like it. I just said uh huh and went to sleep. What a strange feeling to share a bed with someone who wants a divorce.

On Friday there wasn't much talk between us. I took a personal day from work and ran some errands. Once again S10 and I went to the Y in the evening. When home, I avoided W in the house and said less than the night before. She went through her closet and got rid of all her old clothes and stuff she didn't want any more.

On Saturday when I woke up, I was feeling down, probably due to a dream I had. Not balling or anything, just sad. W left the house early. She had taken all her electronics (both phones, ipad, and laptop) with her or hidden them. She came back to get one of the dogs an hour later. I just realized I needed to get out the house, that I couldn't be around her when she came back. I got in the car and started to drive.

I found myself pull up to our church. I ended up talking to a deacon for an hour and a half. He made me feel a little better about things, how this is not my fault and I'm not a failure, how my wife obviously had issues that go back to her childhood. He even mentioned an annulment might be possible, which was something I hadn't even been thinking about. It was nice to think I might be able to get my life back on a good track and be able to stand proud and look myself in the mirror.

I managed to get in touch with a friend and made plans to meet up later in the day. I ran some errands. I decided to run back home to check on S10, since he'd called while I was out. S10 was doing fine on the computer and W was not home (though the dog was). I decided I wanted to get out again before she came back.

Just as I was getting in the car, W gets home. She knocks on my window and asks why I didn't answer the phone at home. I said I'd just gotten home and wasn't there when she called. She asked me what I was doing and I said going off. She asked where I'm going and I said "Don't worry about it". This obviously frustrated her and she said, "Oh, OKAY".

I drove around for a while and then met up with my friend at a local Tiki bar (YES!), and we ate, drank, and talked for two hours. I talked honestly about my problems and he talked about his. It was probably the most personal and real conversation I'd ever had with another man. It was great and really made me feel better.

I picked up S14 from a friend's house on the way home (W had dropped him off earlier). At home W asked if I was done going off for the day - by this time it was the evening. I thought about it and said yes. She asked me if watching Game of Thrones on Sunday was something I was interested in doing together with her, and I said sure. She mentioned about how she told S10 we'd go to the local waterpark the next day, and asked me if I was going. I said yes.

I laid around on the sofa for the rest of the night and watched TV with the kids. She hung out in the room for a little while. I noticed she kept looking at me on the sofa, almost staring at me trying to make eye contact. I ignored her. I'm sure she noticed I wasn't wearing my wedding ring, but she never said anything.

No talk at bedtime (that's when she usually tries to attack).

Next up: Sunday - waterpark WTF and another post-R talk.

[dusty70]

holidng, seemed like you had a productive weekend for yourself. Good job getting the kids involved with GAL, this is one of my goals to reconnect with my kids in other activities that are not the normal, stuff my WW would never really do. Currently she is just doing stuff for herself and forgetting the kids! I'm glad you got some positive talk from the deacon and how it's not your fault, I struggle daily thinking my actions or lack there off is what caused all of this, when it's just not the case.
Any thoughts on when you will talk to the kids?? We agreed to talk to ours this week.

[Holding]

Thanks, Dusty. Wife and I talked last night about talking to the kids. We don't have a timeframe for that right now. I'll get into more details in my next post.