I guess I'm comparing it because he's being different this time... He is still staying over at the house which he wouldn't dare even see me last time and hes still paying for everything which last time he wouldn't give me any money so it makes me think ... is this just really what he wants and he's in a sane mindset and really thought this through?
That's why I compare, I know the outcome is the same but it makes me worry he's not a wayward and there's no fog it's just that he has stopped loving me and wants to be amicable.
Last night he told me he wanted to be honest with me that he wanted to get his own place. That he's been telling me how he feels and I just don't listen and don't want to hear it. I said I was sorry he felt that way and I hear what he's saying. I said I can hear what you're saying and respect your decision but it doesn't mean I have to agree with it. He said he has no feelings for me and he's just done. That me bringing up the flowers he brought just made him realize that it's going to be like this for the rest of his life and that anything is going to spark those emotions in me because of the past and he can't live that way. That he can't fix my insecurities and it's always giong to be something with me, theres always going to be stress in my life that's going to make him miserable whether it's me being in school, having the baby, etc. I am always going to have an excuse for everything. I didn't really say much to that. He said after 3 years I should be over it, and I said I will not take blame where it's not due, that I hadn't brought up anything since we R and that his behavior had changed a lot and I was talking to him about my concerns. He said that I kept having to talk about it and kept having to push him and I pushed him away. I said I was8-9 months pregnant with a husband that couldn't commit, he said I told you I just needed time, and I said well what about what I needed? I lost 15 lbs while pregnant and asked you to just show me you cared, I said you didn't ocne text or call to check on me ever, he said well we were talking during the day, I said only if I initiated, if not I didn't hear from you. He said well I don't know what to say, I'm just done I don't have those feelings for you anymore. We don't have to be enemies, we can be friends. I've been happier these last few weeks just being nothing but civil with you. I said well H the life you are living now is far from your reality and he said I know that. I just left it at that I'm not asking anything from you. He said I know that you think I'm a scumbag and that's how you're always going to think of me. Somebody can't live their life unhappy and after going through this with you so many times somebody can only take so much until they realize this is how it's always going to be, this is just what you're giong to do and how things will be with us and I Don't want to do it anymore.
I just said okay, I don't want you to be miserable and unhappy and I don't want to be either. I said I don't want to be with you the way you are now either. I said I'm not asking you to mvoe back home or kiss me or tell me you love me. He said good because I don't feel that way. I'm tired of people telling me what to do that I should do this or I should do that, nobody is in my shoes, they don't know what its like to live my life in this house. I said well I'm sorry you feel that way you're an adult and you can make your own choices as you clearly have been doing. I'm just asking you to think long and hard about this road you are going down... He said I have and I'm not being influenced by anyone I'm making my own decisions and not talkign to anyone about it. I know you guys all think I'm this and I'm that and that i have someone else in my lives that shows how little you think of me.
I said I haven't said anything about that in a long time, he said ya but you did befoer that's how we got here you think I would be involved with someone from work, you're always going to worry about someone from work for the rest of my life and I can't live like that. I quit my job because of you because of the flowers and then I realized it wasn't worth losing my job over that I shouldn't feel that way in a marriage and its like a spark went off that I'm done because I don't want to feel this way, I want to be happy.
He ended the conversation with continuing to tell me he doesn't have those feelings for me anymore, he doesn't look at me and want to do the things a husband does. I just said okay, I'm not asking for those things. Feelings change, I understand that, the way you felt months ago isn't how you feel today and the way you feel tomorrow may not be how you felt the day before. I get it. I got off the phone and didn't come home til late with the kids, I took them swimming and to a BBQ at a friends... he didn't even acknowledge me when I came in and was very very cold and miserable looking.
I have to keep reminding myself it's about him. I feel I did my best to curb the conversation and not retaliate to all of his details of why this happened and how he doesn't have feelings for me. I didn't cry or yell or plead to change his mind and I ended the conversation first with I have to go.
Like I told H, I am willing to take blame where it's due but not where it's not. I said there are things I would have done differently, like when I was pregnant I had a lot going on and yes I should have curbed some of the conversations but I was panicking. I said that wasn't really a fair time to say we gave it a shot to work on thigns with school work pregnant and then a newborn. That was when he said I would always have an excuse. I said we both could have done things differently and I wanted to be able to rest my head on my pillow and be able to look at my boys and tell them I did everything I could.
