ILYBINILWY - OW - what to do next 2

[OwnIt]

This should get you to AndrewP's threads.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=userposts&id=38247

[SJW]

Thank you. I'll have a look tomorrow, it's 12.25am in the UK and I have to be up at 6am. Thanks for sending me the link.

SJ x

[SJW]

I was asked by S's football club this morning if we were going to the Christmas pantomime as we need to pay this week to get discounted price. I had completely forgotten about it. It's the 6th Dec. I text H to see if he wanted me to get him a ticket and he immediately responded with yes?

I am still all over the place today, still can't decide about the funeral or letting him come back/telling the kids this weekend.

[Parkema]

Hi SJ,

I understand how difficult managing a situation like yours with the children involved is and can only mention how it's worked out in my situation. Eventually my WW and I told my two boys S10 & S8 about what was happening, to be honest she didn't have a choice as I moved out of the family home.
Since that point I have done EVERYTHING I can to keep their routine the same, obviously different due to their parents no longer being together BUT their new life as stable has possible.

Their lives now are following a course that's been the same for the last month and I feel it's integrated well. I also have the first "summer" holidays coming up where we would have normally gone abroad but now are struggling to take them away for overnight stays...

I feel you wanting to allow your WS back into the FH for the holidays will take you back so far and see you throw away all the hard work you've done up to now!
I really feel he needs to face up to what he's done and live the consequences of his actions, I won't tell you what to do but I would never entertain this without a concrete plan of reconciliation in place. I understand you wanting to do this for the kids but there will never be the right time to tell them what's going on so might as well be now and keep all your hard work in place in the process.

Please research into how to go about explaining your situation to you kids as this can be very difficult and quite painful.

I wish you the best, continue to be strong.

Mark.

[MoveFrwd]

You talk about things being better for the kids if H is at home.

But I dont really see what is 'better' about it. He can be as involved as he wants to be, regardless of where he is living. So what benefit is there for him to be home when it will just breed disrespect and resentment?

To me, it sounds like you think you can change his mind given enough time in the same house together. Frankly, its crazy hard - read any of the sitches involving an open affair between spouses living together. In my mind, it's best to let OW deal with everything - why should he be allowed to 'play family' while engaging in something completely disrespectful to the family unit?

[AnotherStander]

SJW, saw your note in the other thread, sorry for not checking in more often but when I do you're usually getting excellent advice that would be the same as mine anyway so that's why I haven't been weighing in. I went back a few pages to try and catch up. Honestly I see a LOT of H-centered dialog going on here. I was a little shocked that you're talking about letting him come back, and going to the funeral with him, and buying a ticket for him for your son's game when just a few days ago you said THIS:

I said to my friends last night it's like my H has died but physically he is still here. He isn't the person I married or spent so many years with. He isn't even the same Daddy to our kids as he was, it's like he doesn't want to be around them. He is stressed and short tempered not the laid back fantastic Daddy he was it's so sad.

So a lot of times when it's MLC we hear the LBS talk about how their WAS seems to be a victim of Invasion of the Body Snatchers. The word "alien" gets used a lot. What you need to understand is that HE REALLY IS NOT the same person anymore. So what do you hope to gain by letting him move back? What does that look like to you? Because it's likely to be a lot more pain, misery and suffering frankly. Unless you're just wanting a roommate to help with stuff (and I'm not even sure you could count on him for that). MLCers do often come out of the fog and get back to their normal selves, but it can take years. Sometimes many years. I think you're still banking on some hat trick that will bring your old H home and return everything back to normal, but it's just not going to happen. So you've got to get busy planning for a life around this crazy person that isn't your H anymore. Potential recon is way down the road.

I know this is a marathon not a sprint but he is sprinting ahead and whilst I'm really trying to be upbeat in his company I'm finding it incredibly difficult.

Well yeah, they sprint away from the LBS at full tilt. That's pretty typical. If you can remove all pressure (I don't think you have yet) then he may very well quit running so fast. He's sprinting because he thinks you're hot on his heels. If you go about getting YOU in order and quit paying attention to him then what does he need to run from?

The fear of this weekend and how my kids are going to react is all consuming.

No need for it to be. The kids usually do much better with those talks then any of us expect them to. They already know what's going on so it's not going to be much of a revelation.

The kids went to bed and he was going to stay for a bit I asked him what for and he said OK I'll go then as if this is all my fault. Then he text me to let me know he was back, why?

Being polite? But really who cares? What are YOU doing for YOU? What are you doing to GAL and detach? What are your plans for you and the kids, short term and long term? Try to quit obsessing over H and go about the business of making a new life for yourself.

Just opened a drawer to get my S's medical card out and on top was my Valentines card from him telling me how much he loved me. 4 months before BD, how can things change so quickly.

None of us ever really get an answer to that. I suspect there are chemical changes happening in the body that we don't currently understand, brought on by an age trigger or some kind of event maybe. But who knows.

[SJW]

Thanks for your comments I haven't had chance to post since last week and also felt that when I was it was starting to consume me which your responses back up. So update time.

I went to the funeral and picked H up on the way. That day and the days since have clearly demonstrated to me and a number of other people that my H is still there but there is another persona that he is constantly switching between and you don't know at which moment which one you are going to get but it seems largely driven by OW, not sure if this is good or bad but with your advice and knowing what I know myself I am trying not to focus on H.

We discussed him moving back until S is settled at new school although I did say I wasn't sure it was what I wanted. He told me that OW is moving to her own place at end of the month and the nights that her H has her kids he will be staying with her. Also the weekends that she has her kids he will see ours. No I'm not happy about him dictating to me but what can I do?

He came home on Friday night and I asked him not to tell the kids this weekend, they had just got really good school reports and have one week left in school so didn't want this overshadowed. He was seeing them next weekend so we agreed to tell them then. He was in H persona, he held my hand and he said I know how difficult this is and whatever you want to do that's fine, I know you only want what's best for them and so do I. 4 hours later he went to the shop 2 minutes away and was gone half an hour obviously on the phone to OW. He came back and H had disappeared and he verbally attacked me, my S was asleep and DO at a friends. He accused me of trying to control him that it was his choice what and when he told the kids and he had plans for next weekend was working the one after and had plans the one after that so needed to tell them as he needed closure. He was absolutely vile and I went to bed to avoid a row after reiterating my reasons and asking him why he had changed from earlier.

Saturday before going to get my DO I asked him again please don't do this, he wasn't happy, accused me of controlling him again but agreed. I came back from picking up DO and H was back, bizarre. He wasn't on his phone all day, painted the spare room with DO helping whilst me and S were painting downstairs. We went bowling then for dinner and he was completely normal, we laughed and joked and generally had a good time, no phone. When we got back I had arranged a babysitter so we could go out and discuss finances which he had asked for. I asked him if he still wanted to do this and he said there's no rush it can't happen overnight we'll do it another time. I asked if he minded if I went out then he asked where and I just said out, he then asked if I seeing a particular friend and I said no.

We got up Sunday to go and watch S play cricket and he was visibly shocked that I was up before him (never happens I love my bed and would always lie in as late as I could). We went to cricket and again it was H but I could see him getting a little edgy. Some friends came to watch and he chatted to them just about the game really then disappeared for a little while, on the phone presumably. When he came back he was definitely on edge and told me that he needed to get back to work once we got home. I said that's a shame I'm making a roast but no problem and joked he miss out. He was obviously stressed and I suspect a little guilty. On the way back S and his friend were talking about there leavers assembly and prom on Friday but we couldn't remember the times. I checked when we got back told H and he said it's Friday I have plans I told you, I said yes that wasn't why I was telling you I was saying it because S will miss cricket practice that's all.

I am so angry that he is choosing to be with OW than see his S on such a significant day in his life but it also hurts.

Positively I did go out on Saturday night and had a good time. I had friends round after he left yesterday and missed the text he sent me until 3 hours later. I met with a solicitor on Friday and know my financial position and his and his is not good he has a big shock coming.

Today I'm struggling a bit but then a lot has happened and it's still so soon. He did say that he didn't expect it to move this quickly and thinks that OW will do the same to him as she has to her H in time. I can't focus on that though because he is still making the same decision regardless and for that and all the other poor decisions I need to keep telling myself he doesn't deserve us.

[SJW]

Today is tough I don't seem to be able to pull myself up, I think it's Mondays. I have lots to do and I do want to get on with it but just can't seem to get on with it today. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

[Treasur]

SJW, you're obviously a smart courageous woman who loves her kids. You are also, some of the time, in shock because this rollercoaster is running at speed...and when we're in shock, our body & brains do that fight/flight/freeze thing automatically. So we spin and overthink. And let's face it, watching our H turn into a teenage alien in front of our eyes takes a bit of adjusting to!

I don't have kids and I can't imagine how hard that must be. And it took me ages to realise that my H was in WTFland....

There are two things you have said repeatedly....and then you chew over them again...but you keep coming back to them so I think this is your gut shouting at you. First is that he is having an A and while he is, that means he is not part of your M or staying in the family home. Second is that this is not your H. Both of those things are about being Real. Consequences for him of the first? He lives elsewhere, he will have some inconveniences, you are no longer part of his back up team, money and practical stuff is going to hurt. MLCers are big fans of avoiding reality it seems and, if you still care about your H, you do him no favours by protecting him from the effects of his own choices. And the consequences of the second for you? The WTF stuff will keep coming. He is not the same man and he will do things that would have horrified your H. And will shock you. He will lie, he will be unreliable, he will only think of himself, he will not be fair, he will spew and whine. None of the old rules apply anymore, just DB & survival.

Detaching you and your children from his rollercoaster is the only way to protect yourselves, and keep reality in your life if not his. I can see from your posts that your wise head and your gut know this...but our poor little brains play catch up between who our H was and what he is now. Please trust your gut. When in doubt, breathe. Do nothing without giving yourself time to breathe and listen to your own gut instinct.

[MoveFrwd]

We discussed him moving back until S is settled at new school although I did say I wasn't sure it was what I wanted. He told me that OW is moving to her own place at end of the month and the nights that her H has her kids he will be staying with her. Also the weekends that she has her kids he will see ours. No I'm not happy about him dictating to me but what can I do?

I think you need a clear schedule. Why should he be allowed to come and go as he pleases while you are stuck waiting on finding out if he has plans or not before you can go out? If he is going to have custody in the future, I think this should be established now. I will caution you - try not to judge what he is doing on 'his time' without the kids and try not to be a bully about the schedule in terms of trying to make it impossible for him to see OW. Instead, pick what days are important for you and go from there.

He came home on Friday night and I asked him not to tell the kids this weekend, they had just got really good school reports and have one week left in school so didn't want this overshadowed.

You do know that there is never a good time to do this right? To me, it feels like you are waiting, because if you keep putting it off, theres a chance it wont happen.

he held my hand

Why are you OK with this?

He accused me of trying to control him that it was his choice what and when he told the kids and he had plans for next weekend was working the one after and had plans the one after that so needed to tell them as he needed closure. He was absolutely vile and I went to bed to avoid a row after reiterating my reasons and asking him why he had changed from earlier.

Im not saying his tone is correct. But arent you kinda trying to control this?

We went bowling then for dinner and he was completely normal, we laughed and joked and generally had a good time, no phone.

What is your reasoning for doing these 'family days'? He just told you hes going to be sleeping at OW's when he wants and only being with you when it's convenient for him.

Are you OK being his backup plan?

I asked if he minded if I went out then he asked where and I just said out, he then asked if I seeing a particular friend and I said no.

Next time, Id tell him it isnt any of his business.