Read a post which made me start thinking about who I was pre-M, during my M, since BD/WTFland and now...and what kind of woman I want to be for the next bit of my life.
Some bits of me have always been there - I'm intelligent, kind, and a bit of an impatient 'fixer' who likes logic and impractical shoes. Bits I lost in my M? Independence, being quick to action, boldness - I traded some in for good respectful reasons because I was part of a team with an H who is more given to procrastinating and more risk-averse (although MLC has certainly changed both our risk profiles!) but I traded in a bit too much of it. Why? Because tbh I always thought my H was slower and weaker...squirming a bit now...which means that there were some ways in which I didn't respect him actually...now really squirming. All on me? No. STBXH was an equal player in a 'poor old H' game (not just with me and we did discuss it pre-BD). Crumby game because I felt impatient & frustrated so it sucked me into 'fixing' which also made me feel manipulated. He resented feeling controlled but got to avoid responsibility and conflict.
Post-BD/bereavement me? Well, flailed around with the logical fixer bit for ages...until it was pretty obvious that grief and what was happening in my M were not 'fix' things and that logic was 95% useless. (It did help me not blame myself and it did help me know some of what was just grief etc) Then? I was just broken. Nothing in my life made sense. I didn't make sense. I did learn that I could be more patient than I thought! I learned to let myself feel things I didn't want to and be more honest about the mess of feelings I had. I learned that I was much weaker than I thought but brave in a different way. And more frightened and alone than I've ever felt. I felt like a victim and I hated it, but actually it was true that I was a victim of a ton of things - cancer, dementia, my H's implosion - I couldn't control. There were plenty of times when I thought I was losing my mind. My faith got stronger as did my compassion for others. I have a Crying 101 certificate now when before I was a bit of a 'daddy's girl' who thought being strong was about being rational and unemotional. Apart from with my H funnily enough...as I am more comfortable about looking facts in the eye, he has always been better pre-BD/MLC at being comfortable with emotions.
And right now, who am I? And who do I want to be? Not sure...more independent, way less of a fixer, quieter, calmer, still fab shoes...hmmm, need to think some more
And right now?
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
