Leaving it up to God (but still interfering!)

[Coly23]

skm, Job, Blu - thank you all so much for your comments.

skm (my DB twin!), I loved read reading your comments because you seem so strong now compared to where you were when you first started posting and there is such a role reversal with you and your H with him being in the fragile position you were in. I especially like the fact that he has now given you the key to his apartment when before he didn't even want you to know where he lived!

Wrt to having D and going through this crap. I think it has actually helped because I know that there is someone else who depends on me so I have to get up every day and put one foot in front of the other. It has also helped the fact that she is a teenager because if she was younger and didn't understand I might have fallen apart on a more regular basis!

I think at the moments I am in the angry stage! I have fantasies of telling H where to stick his reconciliation if he ever came to me door asking for it! I am so angry that he is treating myself and D so badly when all we have done is love and support him. The anger, I think, is helping me drop that pesky rope!

I agree with you that we start to question if we would want this person back in our lives and it used to be that I would take H back in a heartbeat if he asked but now I am not so sure. I like reading your thread skm because you are showing me that I won't have to sell myself short if I do get to that stage and the fact that you are standing your ground and he isn't running away gives me hope that I shouldn't need to if he is certain that it is what he wants. If my H really wants to come back then he will understand any reluctance on my part.

Job, I'm really trying hard to see that all the issues in our marriage couldn't just be down to me but when I see him make no progress in his life it makes me mad that he probably thinks he has done nothing wrong. If he ever recommits it's going to be so tough for me to put the burden of most the work on him when I have been used to doing all the heavy lifting for such a long time. I guess that is an issue all lbs have when piecing.

Blu, yep in the back of my mind I still wonder if there is OW. Even if there wasn't one at BD I am realistic that there may be one now. Leahsue's post did rock me a bit when I read it so I know I have to prepare myself for that possibility.

Thank you for saying that I have come a long way. I know that you and several others have tried to make me see that what I was doing before was just a cheeseless tunnel because it took me no further towards my goal. I see that now in that H continues to distance himself from us even though we tried to show him that he is still part of the family. Everytime I want to contact him now I stop and think how this will help ME now rather than him and I know that if I do he will probably think that he still has me where he wants me and then I will be back to square one again.

I have a funny story about this when I was on holiday. I had one major blow out when I had way too many cocktails and when I woke up the next morning the first thing I thought was please God don't let me have drunk texted H that I miss him! So when I looked at my text message I could see there was one there that I had written (damn I knew it!) but had not been sent. The message said something like 'I mi,dsf yuuo' and the reason why it hadn't been sent was because in my drunken state not only could I not spell 'I miss you' I also couldn't quite spell H's name so his number didn't come up! Phew, that was close!! Suffice it to say after that I was a little more restrained!!

Thanks all so much for your kind words. I really do feel so much better than even a month ago. I think certain events have put things into perspective for me like H's attitude to D's allowance, his not telling us that he has moved again and his continuing distancing from us. I know now that I am not going to accept anything less that H outright saying he wants to recommit when previously I was happy to build a friendship with him first with a view to seeing if that is what he wanted.. I realise that building our friendship back up should be as a result of recommitting to the marriage.

I'm learning but I realise I have so much further to go in this journey.

Back to work today, boo! Happy Monday everyone!