WAS wanting to move across the world - help

[whywhy]

Hi All,

So, I have been married 16 years and with my wife for 20 years. We have 4 young kids (9, 7, 5, 1).

We moved to the US last year. I got a great job, we live in a pretty low cost area, so could afford a nice big house and could even afford to put the kids in public school.
My wife even found an entire community of people here from her country in her language. She told me often how this was paradise and she loved living here.
We did argue over the year - same arguments that escalated and I definitely said a number of things that I deeply regret.

My family went back abroad (over 10,000 miles away) for the summer holidays, I joined for a bit, but had to come back to work.

We had an argument over the phone and, during that, my wife told me that she didn't want to come back to the US but also wanted out of the marriage in no uncertain terms. I was in complete shock and in turmoil.

We had had a breakdown in our marriage about 12 years ago where she also told me the "I love but not in love with you" and left the house. That is where I first learnt about DB'ing. We saved the marriage that time.
Sadly, I obviously haven't been practicing it well for the past few years as life and kids have taken over.

Anyway, we have numerous phone conversations over the next 10 days (all initiated by her) where she basically just laid into me and blamed for all of the wrongs in the marriage, giving examples going back 12 years. I listened to all of them (a good number were justified for sure), it was painful, but I listened and then apologized from the bottom of my heart for hurting her and told her that she is the most wonderful mother in the world to our 4 kids.

Eventually, I was able to convince to come back to the US. She arrived back a few days ago with the kids and her mother. She doesn't mind going to therapy with me, but is clear that it is useless and that the marriage is over.

Now for the hard part that I could really use some advice on. She is insisting on moving back to her country with the kids in 4 weeks and has signed them up for school there. I have told her that if we go back there now we will face financial ruin as I don't have a job there. I also really don't want to go back there - I lived there for 20 years and it is a tough country in turmoil with alot of wars and tension.
I tried to say to her that I would agree to go back once we plan the move properly and find a place to live there and a job. Her line in the sand is the school year. So, I asked her to be here for the school year here so that we could look at this sensibly.
She is not budging at all and is insisting that it's better for the kids there (they love it here and there to be fair) and that she will go insane if she has to stay here - calling it the "golden cage".
If I do let them go back and I stay here for work, she promises to come back with them every holiday.

My dilemma is what to do. If I let her go back with my kids - firstly it will tear me apart to be away from them for so long, but also I don't see how we can work on the marriage at all (even LRT) from that distance.
But, if I "force" her into staying here, I can work on the marriage slowly, but I do think she will hate me so intensely that it won't help as I will be the focus of her anger and hate every time.

I just don't know what to do. Please help.

At the moment we are in the same house and she is talking to me incessantly about how awful I was. It's tense and horrible and I have begged her just for a cease-fire (I lost my technique here) and let's enjoy the kids together. We are sleeping in the same bed and the only minutes of warmth are holding hands for a few minutes in bed.

She also wants to tell the kids tomorrow that we are ending the marriage.

I can't use any of the techniques with this time factor in my face, advice please please.