Trying to detach from WTF world

[Treasur]

Hello 25 - have looked at some of the... stuff but will look again.

I suppose where I am is pulling myself out of losing my father, my husband and my mother within 6 months. To be honest, there were plenty of times when I didn't know why I kept going at all. Hardest thing, almost unbearable.

I miss all of them and sometimes the universe just doesn't feel right. But I am still here and there are still small joys and people who care about me. With my H? I have to say no to the rollercoaster because it is too dark and I've lost hope for him. I've always known it wasn't about me, although it's hard to keep telling yourselves that when they are so shockingly cruel. I know he loved me. I know he's broken. I know right now he is at best indifferent to my existence; at worst, he seems to like hurting me. To be honest, painful as it was that he refused to see or speak to me for months, it meant I didn't have to see the shell of a man he is. Because that hurts too.

I know I have to walk away to rebuild something. I'm too battered by grief for my family to have enough energy to Stand or to hope. But sometimes, I'm just frozen for a moment in bewilderment that the man who treasured me wears the same face as someone who didn't care that I got death threats from his new woman...the WTF craziness of it is just overwhelming. If I was 33...I'm not sure I would have survived it. At 53, I can't invest another two years or more in the limbo of WTFland. But it is heartbreaking to see what a horrible mess he has made, as he called it a couple of weeks ago.