Here again part 10

[BluWave]

T,

You have the best supporters/advice here, so I may not have much to add, but I will try :-) You mentioned that you are weaker than the rest of us or that you are not able to DB. My goodness that gets me in the gut! If you only knew how wrong you are!!!

When my H DB me and then left me for OW, I could not even bring myself to make an account or post at all! Even though I read here every day and tried to take it all in, I just didn't have the strength or courage to do it. In fact if you read my sitch you will see that I failed at DB for a long, long time. I was just like you in that I ruminated about H and what he was doing every day, I snooped (but there wasn't much hidden because it was in front of me), and I spun in circles for a LONG time. Even though I read here and logically understood he was running from our life, I still completely blamed myself. I felt like a complete failure. I couldn't accept my reality, that he could really do this, and that he would never come back. I was a skeletal, anxious, depressed, shell of a person! But I am not that way now, I am stronger than ever.

So that was years ago and a lot has changed. I can tell you without a doubt that I was wrong and that you are wrong. Our Hs are different, but there are many similarities. Now I have asked all the questions and I have the answers (in my sitch anyhow). So pleease trust me when I say, this is not about you and this is not your fault! This is about his inability to cope when life has obstacles and that he is wayward and running to any quick fix to superficially feel better. He has to try and blame you for his unhappiness because that is the only way he can justify his chitty behaviors! He will look and hold on to any reason to blame you because then he doesn't have to look at himself. He will rally anyone that buys into this BS so he can further justify his choices. He is far, far gone right now. There is nothing you can do to bring him back. Different players, same script.

So no you cannot change him or make him see the truth, you know that. But what you can do is take away all his ammunition and give him nothing. You turn all focus off of him and back on to you. Let him go (you have no choice anyhow because he has left). Let him go off on his own and he will feel the natural consequence of these choices and sadly for him, there will not be any light at the end of his tunnel. My H now describes that as the darkest time of his life (even though he had OW right there swooning over him and flattering him). It is quite simply stated that "we are all responsible for our own happiness and no one else." He is responsible for his and you for yours.

T, you are so much stronger than you know. Just the fact that you continue to post here and share your vulnerabilities, take the 2*4s again and again, and then you get up each day and keep trying, is pretty amazing! I couldn't even do that! You are living and honest and authentic life and that is what is so admirable about you. He is a selfish, arrogant, wayward, and as long as he knows you are there and waiting, he will continue to walk all over you.

You may not see it yet, but you are on your way. You are gonna rise above this arse-hat and have a beautiful life. The strong T knows that he is not making you unhappy either. He doesn't get that power. This is about you and your perspective. You are your own worst enemy. Once you feel strong enough to drop the rope and start healing (and you will get there), then you will learn that you really don't need (or want) this guy. Try and have some patience with yourself, this takes time, so please try and hold your head up and show yourself more kindness.

Blu

[T384]

Hi Thornton,

Thanks for checking in on me! I totally get what you're saying. You know today I thought to myself while I was grocery shopping (I only had the baby so I had time to let my mind wander lol), anyway I thought to myself the way I am acting and listening but not doing what I'm told is similar to H. Everyone that cares about him has told him how he's messing his life up, he needs to think about what he's doing etc etc. But he continues to go the opposite direction.

Much like you lovely people continue to tell me this is my reality and i need to let go and I haven't yet. I know it's not totally the same but I can see when it's not what you WANT to do you fight against it, much like what H is doing. I don't think I'm fighting against the advice though, I really want to do it and I feel like I am getting there slowly. I just want him to feel the gravity of his decisions and none of that will happen while hes so present in our lives.

I was thinking how he woke me up last night and I took care of him, he will never have that from me again and I don't know that he gets that. Not that it's my concern to worry about.

This morning he woke up and asked me to look at his eyes, they looked pretty bad. I asked him if he wanted me to make him an appointment. So I did and I drove him there. He laid on the couch like he was at deaths door and I got all the kids ready took care of the dogs and loaded everyone up and drove him there. He did thank me. I dropped him off at the house, he offered to come with me to pick up my computer but I declined his invitation. I came home to a package at the door. He said it was for a guy friend at work. S6 caught him texting and sending a picture of it and said it was to a girls name XXX (boss daughter). I sat and pondered confronting him. I haven't yet because I'm not sure that I should. I know hes lying, hes been lying for months. It's not about that, I think it's just about disrespecting the boys and I in our home and disrespecting everything i have done for him in the last 24 hours, but he's been disrespecting everything I've done for him the last 13 years so why does what I did last night and today matter? I know the answer to this is to say nothing and work toward getting him out of the house so that these communications he has with other women won't be under the roof of our family home. That's how I know I'm getting better because I didn't even cry about it I had a short moment of anger sitting here wanting to go out there and then it left me and I've decided - well that's sad for him that he's ordering thigns for other women and dumb enough to have them sent here. Wow he must really think I'm dumb, if he only knew.

On a funny note, my dad finds it hilarious that H is laid up like he's dying. he keeps texting me that it's Karma starting lol. H supposedly had a work event at a big bar downtown that he has to miss. Poor guy.

Hi Sandi - I guess the reason why I take the blame is because he is behaving differently then he was last BD. Last BD he was DEFINITELY wayward.. wouldn't come around call text or have anything to do with me, wouldn't even look at me. This time he is sleeping on the couch, brought me dinner last night. Very up and down. He also told my dad he still wants to keep the boat here so that we can still go out as a family and maintain the family unit for the boys. To me I don't know that that is wayward I look at that as just someone who is done and has thought this decision through and feels this is right for him and wants to make the best of it. So I think that's were my struggle and blaming myself comes in as if he's so willing to maintain the family unit but just doesn't feel anything for me but wants to keep the family traditions up if that makes sense. Last time I remember asking him early after BD to do something together for the kids and he flat out refused. He spent hours working on the air conditioner last night, last BD he would have never done that. My dad said he thinks he just wised up from last time and learned what didn't work.

But yes all that you're saying about waywards DOES sound like him. He is delusional to think that everythign is going to be the same and we just won't be married. I don't know that he can even picture what life is going to look like. I mean hes telling others hes getting his own place but can't even have that conversation with me. My dad told me last night when I was upset that he is about to get a really big dose of reality here soon. He only thinks about today, he doesn't think about the big picture like I do.

I feel as though I haven't made much progress. I feel stuck. I feel like he is further away as I've stated. I know things are about to get worse. Tomorrow I am going to have to tell him he is not coming with us to soccer. I know that is going to get the ball rolling of him not paying and him sticking it to me. I am not ready for that but I know it's what I have to do. I have allowed him to continue to do what is convenient for him and he has not had to bend at the knee for anythign since he left. My dad told me why would he want to come back? why would he want to fix things? His life is better, he comes here whenever he wants, talks to whatever girls he wants, doesn't have to answer to anybody. He's living a fantasy right now, why would he want to trade that in. It is so very true.

Cadence - I'm sorry to hear about your H's friend. I really can't stand people like that but I also have to remind myself that ultimately my H (and your H) are grown men that SHOULD be capable of knowing right from wrong and being able to say now. i find myself wanting to place some blame or 50/50 blame on these people that make him feel justified because I know that H is a very weak person. Just like your H with that friend he will speak to whomever is goign to tell him what he wants to hear because he doesn't want to be questioned. Hence the only people he is talking to about it that are pushing him towards D are people that live 1000 miles away and haven't seen him since before we met 14 years ago. God forbid he actually talks to his friends that live here and that know us both and our family.

25- I know I am wasting time sitting here wondering what snaps in him that he all the sudden does this. I truly believe it's him being influenced by this other free life he wants to lead. the boss and her daughter and the guys at work all ride motorcycles - he wants to be like them and be free. They are all single or going through a divorce. its quite creepy actually.


it's funny you say that about lying becasue when I confronted him about the motorcycle he said I knew you would say no and be mad so I mind as well just do it anyway. I said you ASSUME, and it's because you don't know how to handle it the right way. I know I deserve better and I think that if you told me I wouldn't have to share my kids 50/50 I would be okay. My kids are everything to me and I don't want to miss out on their lives for a second, I don't want them doing things with him and another woman that we used to do. I know I have to let that go and I can't control it. It needs to go in the God box, but damn it really really is something I am struggling with.

I just want to know he's going to be sorry again one day, I want to know one day he will see what he gambled and lost. I know I can't hold my life waiting for that day.

I am going to DTR, I am getting there, I know it will happen, I can feel it getting closer each day... i find myself less upset, wanting to react less, etc. I am not saying I won't have bad days because I just had one yesterday but I can feel the change in me.

I wish we could post pictures here so you all could see my sweet boys and the baby with these huge smiles he has on his face. That's what keeps me going, but makes me sad at the same time that he's walking away from that. It's his loss. He will miss out on so many milestones of our son.

Hi Blu - Thanks as always for stopping by. Everything you describe is EXACTLy how I feel. THank god for my boys because they make me get up every morning put on my big girl pants and get on with the day. I don't want to look back and regret missing out on this time in their lives especially the baby, I will never get that time back so I won't let him take that from me.

Everyone thinks the pressure of buying the property getting ready to build the house and the baby coming got to him. That he got this new group of people at work that have freedom and no responsibilities and here I am this pregnant wife working and in school that isn't a whole lot of fun to be around. I had hyperemesis until the end of my pregnancy and only gained 4 lbs so I know I wasn't fun to be around.

I know you say you don't have a lot to add, but boy you really do. Last time he said it was the darkest time of his life as well and that he would never jeopardize his family ever again no matter how tough things got. I don't feel I need to say anything to him anymore. I have apologized for my faults and attempted to right them to no avail... i will not apologize anymore because it just fuels him further. I don't feel he will see what he is doing for a very long time. Last time it took things ending with OW and him being alone (because he cannot be alone, he doesn't know how to be, which is how I know he is romantically involved with someone because he doesn't know how to be alone).

I do know that I deserve better. I;ve thought a lot about that today just watching him lay and sleep on the couch all day while I take care of everything. I think about when I was pregnant that he never lifted a hand to help me or didn't go out of his way to treat me with the kindness I have given him today. Then my mind starts spinning that he is so capable of treating these other women with kindness but he wouldn't pull me out of a fire if he were a bystander. It hurts, I acknowledge that feeling and it [censored]. I try to remind myself that is within him and not a reflection of me.

What man can say that they treat their wife the way he has and I still wake up in the middle of the night to take care of him not to win points but just because that is who I am and that's what he used to love about me.

I'm ready to get to the point of telling him to F off. I made my work schedule and unfortunately will be gone alot from the boys starting in August but I need to for financial purposes so that I am not relying on him 100% I will not be working full time becasue of school but still will be gone a good bit. Makes me more angry at him that I'll be missing the baby more and more. Our plan was that i wouldn't go back to work after the baby and would be at home wtih him and focus on school. Just have to pinch myself and remind myself that's the past and not how it is now.

I am the person a fool would leave. I know it. I know that he will not have with these women what he had with me and our boys. He is looking for something he is never going to find. He doesn't know how to maintain happiness. His happiness is only external.


And by the way, thank you to each and everyone of you for lifting me up and thinking so highly of me. It means a lot and it makes me feel good about myself when I don't feel that way. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you. Reading how you feel about me is heartwarming and lifts my spirits. I know my posts are probably frustrating to read and pretty much say the same thing over and over but it is just me being honest about my day to day feelings and struggles because I feel that is the best way to help me is by putting it all out there. It is therapeutic to write it out because as I'm writing it I am starting to see that some of the things sound ludicrous.

[cadence]

Hey T! You sound good. I love to read these stable posts where your anxiety isn't in charge, because I know that you're doing well and aren't torturing yourself with your own thoughts.

I just want him to feel the gravity of his decisions and none of that will happen while hes so present in our lives.

Don't we all wish that could happen? But you're fighting a losing battle here, T, because this is in the god/universe box. You're trying to control the uncontrollable. Try as we might, we can't make someone else think positively of us or see our value, especially if they are in a state of mind not to want to see those things.

Your H could feel the gravity of his decisions while he's present, but more likely, he won't. Human nature is that it takes time and a sense of loss to look back and start second guessing ourselves.

Your H is a particular case, because his WH mind sees anything to do with you as something that is oppressing him and taking away his freedom as a man. Essentially, you've been scapegoated. As a former stepparent, one of the worst things about the role is how eager people are to treat you like an object and scapegoat you for any difficulties in the family. It's hard to know that people view you as causing something that you know in your heart isn't your fault.

Your H is not open to seeing you for you. In order to follow through with what he's bound and determined to do, he needs to see you as oppressive and controlling, and you have no power to change it. The one thing that might change it is you letting go and stop the urge to change his opinion of you. Live in the total absence of control (aside from setting healthy boundaries for yourself, of course! But boundaries don't try to control someone else, they're about what we will and will not accept for ourselves, and what we will do if boundaries are crossed.)

I just want to know he's going to be sorry again one day, I want to know one day he will see what he gambled and lost.

I have a feeling it will come. No man walks away from a family right after a baby is born and maintains a feeling that his actions were right long-term. Right now, he wants that to be right, so he needs someone cast in the enemy role, and that's where you come in.

Also, as a former stepmom, I can tell you that his life is not going to be without sorrow, challenges, and regrets. I know your oldest is very clear with his dad about his hurt. He will continue to do that because of his personality and it will be a major stress on any relationship H has. (Of course you'd never try to foster these feelings in your children. It's best for them to have a good relationship with their dad.)

Everyone thinks the pressure of buying the property getting ready to build the house and the baby coming got to him.

These are classic MLC triggers. We don't know for sure that he's in a MLC, but it's possible.

So you might be able to understand/stop blaming yourself, an MLC is all about repressed issues coming to the surface to force the person to deal with them. An MLCer is reacting to that feeling and trying to shape their life to get away from the repressed issues, not understanding that they are inside of them and won't go away. So they look for escapes.

I find H's relationship with his mom to be interesting. The way he seems to regress after BD in terms of his mom, and how she seems reluctant to speak up to him. Did he have to caretake his mom's emotions when he was young? I ask, because his relationship with his mom seems odd and because that will really mess a person up, and when the repressed emotions come up, they're going to be incredibly angry at anyone they feel is emotionally or financially dependent on them. It's going to feel like a vise, squeezing out their freedom and life's essence. And they're going to want to get away from those feelings.

If I'm right, then this would be happening to any woman H had built a life with, unfortunately. I may be totally wrong, though, as the above is just speculation because I don't know your H's story.

I'm ready to get to the point of telling him to F off.

I hope you mean that figuratively. Put on your professional T384 demeanor, because H is a distant stranger to you now. You will treat him like you do your patients: you'll be cordial, but keep up an appropriate professional boundary. Due to H's choices, the two of you are in a professional environment now, where you share the project of raising your three boys.

What man can say that they treat their wife the way he has and I still wake up in the middle of the night to take care of him not to win points but just because that is who I am and that's what he used to love about me.

You should be proud of your integrity, T. Don't look to him to validate you here. You did an amazingly kind thing, and even if he doesn't show it, he saw it, too.

I am the person a fool would leave. I know it.

I'd like to see more evidence that you do. You are so tough on yourself and you hurt yourself. I'd like to see you treating yourself like you would a treasured friend. If a friend was struggling, you'd listen, you'd understand that her emotions will fluctuate, you'd validate her, and you'd tell her all the reasons she's an amazing person.

Be your own best friend.

[T384]

Hi Cadence,

My anxiety is still here but I'm trying to curb it before it gets crazy lol

Well I did it! I loaded the truck up last night and was as organized as possible. Gosh I really feel like this was the best morning ever getting out of the house with all 3 kids and not having H's help (normally he does help). This was our first event since he moved out. Anyway I packed the tent coolers bags laid all our clothes out the night before woke up early to feed the baby and the boys got up like a dream ate breakfast and we were ready to go. H comes up from the couch and says 'do I have time to shower' I said I will send you the address it's best we drive separately and walked out the door. My dad sent me a text that he was proud of me for doing everything on my own and what a joke H is that he can't even get himself ready in time let alone help with any of our 3 children. I won't lie, doign it all alone sucked... one of the dads on the team knows about it, he is a L and has advised me on some things as well as referred me to everyone I am seeing. i carried everything alone and left the baby in the car with the boys and he helped me set up the tent. I got back to the car to see the baby had a poop explosion in his car seat all the way up to his shoulders, I changed him in the car got a new outfit etc and then he puked all over both of us. We went to the bathroom to clean up, no soap and no paper towels so I washed my shirt in the sink and sat and dried in under the hand dryer. I swear I thought I was being punked lol. H strolled up after the game started, made his rounds talking to all the parents, Mr. Social. Everything turned out okay though.. he brought me a Fiji water, said he researched that it is the best water for you. He also stopped and got me an Icee and got the boys one too. I just thanked him and continued on with my conversation. The dad that's a L, is nice to H, but obviously is very upset he's doing this. Anyway he got a little dig in and I had to chuckle to myself. We were talking about how his daughters were at this concert and the wife of the singer they said was so rude. I said what does she have to be mad about, she has the world at her finger tips. He goes you know, some people just dont realize what they have, they are too worried with what they think they don't have instead of looking at what's right in front of them. I said ya you're right and smiled.

Anyway, one of the families we hang out with invited us over to swim, cook out, and have some drinks. I am sitting in my room debating on if I should go or not. They know nothing.... the boys want me to go. So I have no clue what I am going to do. I'll probably go and have a good time and come home and go about my business.

So on the boundary discussion ... he doesn't know I know about these women. I thought about giving up the snapchat thing and saying while you are in this home do not disrespect us by engaging in conversation with other women. If he says he doesn't I thought abotu saying well maybe you should tell X that she shouldn't be sending you pictures of her in her bed with a sports bra on and walk away.

I'm not convinced this is the best move but I am putting it outt there for advice, etc.

IRT his mother, they have always had a strange relationship. I don't have enough time to delve into it completely but long story short she is like a child. We always joke about it. She sees disney movies alone and lives in a fantasy land. H and his father never had a good relationship growing up. his dad is a glass is half empty kind of guy. He didn't go on family vacations a lot if he was angry and just is pretty negative. When I first met him he told me don't waste your time with H he never finishes anything he starts. I felt bad that his dad would say that at dinner in front of him. H said his dad has never told him he's proud of him and they dont say ILY. H moved out at age 15 to the girl H's mom had talk to him the nasty one that said all those things to be about how he deserves better etc. He lived with her she was like 25 at the time (I think she's 10 years older than he). His dad never supported any of his sports or endeavors because he didn't like what H was interested in. H older brother and his dad are close. He played baseball growing up which his dad loved so he always participated in his brothers activities. As far as his mom, she lives in la la land. My parents said that;s the only way she can stand to live with her husband. She does not live in reality and never wants to deal with trouble or issues. My dad said she would be the one on the battle field to line up last and let everyone take the fall before her.

I'm not sure how their relationship was when he was younger as far as her expectations of him and what he had to do. I know she took him to his sports events and was very involved but involved in what SHE wanted. For example, the boys when they were younger were picking out a DVD to watch in the car for a long trip, she persuaded them to pick a different movie because it was something she wanted to watch. She's not malicious just very out of touch with reality. She calls me and knows how bad everything is and wants to talk to me about her garden or bowling, etc. She's always been like that, I can remember telling my mom I can't talk to her on the phone becasue the boys would be screaming in the background and I would tell her I had to go and she would continue on about her pool filter or her cable box, etc. She told my grandma she almost lost H last BD and she won't risk that again. She held his feet to the fire last time that she wouldn't have a relationship with him if he did this and he cut her off and ended up apologizing and making things right before he even tried to come back home last time. I feel that made a big difference...

this time he knows he won't have consequences, there relationship will continue on. He told her he was getting his own place and she said she didn't say anything. She told me, 'what was I going to say, he deserves to be happy'

My grandma and her were very close, my grandma came down kind of hard on her and said you know H needs you to be a parent and not a friend. Sometimes tough love is needed, his decision is going ot affect everyone, it won't be everything the same and just he and T won't be married. Everything is going to chagne whether you guys want to see that or not. She said oh no he told me he will bring the boys up for 2 weeks every summer and they will still spend the week with us every time we come down. My grandma said she told her you cannot believe that is the truth...

Anyway, I don't know if that helps explain her better. They don't have much of a relationship as far as honesty, I've always said their relationship is very superficial. He always used to joke and say oh my mom is calling I;m not answering I'll never get off the phone with her, she needs a hobby and needs to get out of the house she's so bored all the time. She lets my dad control her life and doesn't know how to stand up to him to be happy (she wants to move down here he refuses, they live 1000miles away).

I know I was kind to take care of him, it wasn't hard for me, it actually made me feel sorry for him that he thinks there's better out there for him. But that is who I am, I won't let him take that from me. Now once I get served with D papers I may have irrigated his eyes with something that wasn't saline

[sandi2]

You need to stop comparing notes to how he's doing this time from last time. Does it matter? Really.......does it matter? It gets you nowhere! It is you putting stumbling blocks in your own path.

[25yearsmlc]

agreed. Not sure why there's any comparison other than "oh, so he did it twice"...

means he did not learn the REAL lessons from the first torturous ordeal.

And to me, having a 3rd child and buying a house - means even more that it Means nothing about you.

Also, fwiw, I get a tad irked about the "stress of a new BEAUTIFUL home and another WANTED child" b/c it's just not what adults call nightmares they have to flee...

he wasn't in combat or fighting brain cancer or caring for a dying parent.

(I mean, Geez...YOU were the pregnant one and the one in school!)

Christ, I moved each time I was pregnant, including a move to Alaska, and to Texas from the east coast. I Was working and m to a DOCTOR (I like putting that in all caps). Means he was AWOL for raising the kids, etc.

But in your situation, other than it's the second time and it's not about you, -

That's all I can glean from the 2 events.

((( )))

[T384]

I guess I'm comparing it because he's being different this time... He is still staying over at the house which he wouldn't dare even see me last time and hes still paying for everything which last time he wouldn't give me any money so it makes me think ... is this just really what he wants and he's in a sane mindset and really thought this through?

That's why I compare, I know the outcome is the same but it makes me worry he's not a wayward and there's no fog it's just that he has stopped loving me and wants to be amicable.

Last night he told me he wanted to be honest with me that he wanted to get his own place. That he's been telling me how he feels and I just don't listen and don't want to hear it. I said I was sorry he felt that way and I hear what he's saying. I said I can hear what you're saying and respect your decision but it doesn't mean I have to agree with it. He said he has no feelings for me and he's just done. That me bringing up the flowers he brought just made him realize that it's going to be like this for the rest of his life and that anything is going to spark those emotions in me because of the past and he can't live that way. That he can't fix my insecurities and it's always giong to be something with me, theres always going to be stress in my life that's going to make him miserable whether it's me being in school, having the baby, etc. I am always going to have an excuse for everything. I didn't really say much to that. He said after 3 years I should be over it, and I said I will not take blame where it's not due, that I hadn't brought up anything since we R and that his behavior had changed a lot and I was talking to him about my concerns. He said that I kept having to talk about it and kept having to push him and I pushed him away. I said I was8-9 months pregnant with a husband that couldn't commit, he said I told you I just needed time, and I said well what about what I needed? I lost 15 lbs while pregnant and asked you to just show me you cared, I said you didn't ocne text or call to check on me ever, he said well we were talking during the day, I said only if I initiated, if not I didn't hear from you. He said well I don't know what to say, I'm just done I don't have those feelings for you anymore. We don't have to be enemies, we can be friends. I've been happier these last few weeks just being nothing but civil with you. I said well H the life you are living now is far from your reality and he said I know that. I just left it at that I'm not asking anything from you. He said I know that you think I'm a scumbag and that's how you're always going to think of me. Somebody can't live their life unhappy and after going through this with you so many times somebody can only take so much until they realize this is how it's always going to be, this is just what you're giong to do and how things will be with us and I Don't want to do it anymore.

I just said okay, I don't want you to be miserable and unhappy and I don't want to be either. I said I don't want to be with you the way you are now either. I said I'm not asking you to mvoe back home or kiss me or tell me you love me. He said good because I don't feel that way. I'm tired of people telling me what to do that I should do this or I should do that, nobody is in my shoes, they don't know what its like to live my life in this house. I said well I'm sorry you feel that way you're an adult and you can make your own choices as you clearly have been doing. I'm just asking you to think long and hard about this road you are going down... He said I have and I'm not being influenced by anyone I'm making my own decisions and not talkign to anyone about it. I know you guys all think I'm this and I'm that and that i have someone else in my lives that shows how little you think of me.

I said I haven't said anything about that in a long time, he said ya but you did befoer that's how we got here you think I would be involved with someone from work, you're always going to worry about someone from work for the rest of my life and I can't live like that. I quit my job because of you because of the flowers and then I realized it wasn't worth losing my job over that I shouldn't feel that way in a marriage and its like a spark went off that I'm done because I don't want to feel this way, I want to be happy.

He ended the conversation with continuing to tell me he doesn't have those feelings for me anymore, he doesn't look at me and want to do the things a husband does. I just said okay, I'm not asking for those things. Feelings change, I understand that, the way you felt months ago isn't how you feel today and the way you feel tomorrow may not be how you felt the day before. I get it. I got off the phone and didn't come home til late with the kids, I took them swimming and to a BBQ at a friends... he didn't even acknowledge me when I came in and was very very cold and miserable looking.

I have to keep reminding myself it's about him. I feel I did my best to curb the conversation and not retaliate to all of his details of why this happened and how he doesn't have feelings for me. I didn't cry or yell or plead to change his mind and I ended the conversation first with I have to go.

Like I told H, I am willing to take blame where it's due but not where it's not. I said there are things I would have done differently, like when I was pregnant I had a lot going on and yes I should have curbed some of the conversations but I was panicking. I said that wasn't really a fair time to say we gave it a shot to work on thigns with school work pregnant and then a newborn. That was when he said I would always have an excuse. I said we both could have done things differently and I wanted to be able to rest my head on my pillow and be able to look at my boys and tell them I did everything I could.

[T384]

Oh, and he told me we need to sell the house and the property, that it's too expensive, he doesn't know how he's going to make the payment next month since I'm not working. That we need to liquidate our assets (vehicles, boats) but didn't mention the motorcycle. I had to bite my tongue on that one. He wants to get rid of what's important to the boys and I and not the things he likes.

I just said I wasn't making any moves on selling anything at this time.

He said that he was tired of working so hard and killing himself. That he had plans to retire when he's 50 and wants to just go fishing everyday.

I didn't say anything but laugh on the inside. He won't be retiring at 50 paying for 3 young boys to grow up in 2 separate homes. My dad said he is delusional, he has no idea what he is getting himself into and that the happiness and life he is chasing is the life that he already has and doesn't realize it. The job offer I just got would put the 2 of us making insane money with our combined income. We would have life, from a financial standpoint, knocked. If he serves me with D papers or gets his own place, I will file and wrap this up before I take a new job making good money. I know he can take me back to court to re-evaluate what he has to pay but even if he just has to pay a lot for a short amount of time I'm good with that.

My dad keeps telling me my pain is temporary and his will be for the rest of his life, that karma will come around.

[25yearsmlc]

T384

Oh my...well, as for the prior post about what he said/what you said/then he said/then you said/

it has ALL been said before. Literally. No need to rehash things, which should be abundantly clear to you now.

What else is there to hear that you have not heard several times already?

Have you seen the L? Please do NOT begin or sign a contract for a new job yet. Get his credit report to see what else is out there that your name might be on.

Please learn from my mistakes. Do NOT believe/assume or wait until he "sees the light" "does the right thing" & "is less angry" at ME. Believe me, his anger levels are going to grow and there will be animosity for some time.

My h told his L that he'd "rather be a pauper than pay me a cent." Do you know how insane that sounds? Not just unfair and ironic and narcissistic, but insane...

My h is now 60. After 38 years of working on his career very hard, usually by putting our family/marriage on the back burner and only once thanking me for that (which I recall clearly, b/c it was literally only one time)

he now SAYS he is "retired" so he can avoid paying me a fraction of his earnings temporarily, which he admitted openly to our s31, (because I guess h does not know how he sounds...)

and which is false anyhow, btw, and provable.... But even if it were true, that's crazy for H in the long run, financially and relationally AND it's just great timing.

Oh, so now our kids are all grown and out of the house (I raised them, you're welcome) and they have little to no contact with him. H's choice.


Let ^^that sink in...

also, my h is not doing unheard of things, btw, & neither is your h.

Evidently, in my h's eyes, truly, HE is the hero and I am the villain. Sound familiar?

Please stop taking ANY blame for your h's choice to lie. Work on you b/c you want to, do not do or say anymore to appease him or feed his delusions.

When you say you are "willing to own" your part, he hears you agreeing with him. YOU are the problem, not him!! You said so!

Yes it is absolutely delusional. But that does not mean your h will see that and return, slapping his forehead saying he "gets it now!" It means your h is delusional.

When your h says he is tired of being told he "should" do this or that (i.e. "the right thing", "man up", "be an adult" "don't lie", "don't cheat", "don't leave your wife and 3 sons" types of things) you need to ask yourself

do you want to live with a man who needs to be told ^^^these things? And resents it?

What a whiny baby.

My H seems to have a new family on the tundra, which he's inserted into. So maybe he will invest himself in OW's family and I'll have to chalk that up to "guess he learned a lesson" and isn't the same old absentee taker.

Yes I have to just eat that $h1t cake and so do my kids.

That bothers me of course. But What are my options? S31 says his "dad is gone/dead" and while that makes me sad, it's kind of worse that s31 saw it before I did.

Legally, I say "b1tch betta gimme my money", which is one of my fav new mantras

and I am trying to embrace the reality that I do not have to keep dancing to get h to "feel content" with wherever he is in life, to appease the endless restlessness or deflect from his passive aggressive remarks.

H is not my problem anymore.

If I had chosen to move to Alaska, again, my life would $uck. It $ucks less now and it improves the more I detach from him and seek out my own life. I feel a sense of urgency to LIVE MY LIFE now. No more limbo or being stuck "waiting" for h to make us the priority.

If we had remained married as he is now and has been for the past X years, I'd always have those "itchy sweater" feelings that YOU have had, and not quite be able to put a finger on why...


While H was the priority in our family (not proud of that, but it's true) WE were only an option for h.


If I were in your shoes, I'd get my $$$ together and move forward with as PMA as possible.

The happier you are (or pretend to be!!) the more vindication you will feel and at the moment, that probably seems important. You do not want to fuel your h's image of the "always sad unsatisfied w". Even when totally justified, don't feed it.

FYI I think I'm nearly detached AND yet I very much want vindication!! I very often fake it till I make it.

So Sorry you are still going through this, and I hope you will move forward now.

((( )))

[25yearsmlc]

ps

make sure his life insurance/family health insurance premiums are paid up.

H canceled the one I bought when h was deployed. I had been paying for it and had been the whole time. It cost him nothing to have it.

Why?


Just b/c I guess...