God does for us what we cannot do for ourselves

[Treasur]

"Its been almost 2 weeks since I realized what the core problem was. It was only through financial disclosure that I figured it out." I had a similar experience a month ago. The first day I read the factual info I was in shock. The second day I had to go through things in mega-detail for my lawyer and I was more shocked. And shocked I was still capable of feeling shocked.

Some facts were just obvious facts. Big cash withdrawals. A secret parallel life with OW. Huge debt for someone living for free in a family apartment in London & for free with OW. Evidence of fraud and lies and something going on needing big dollops of cash. Like your H, my STBXH works in the City, uk version of Wall St...You said "I figured it out"...actually you made a best-guess based on the information you have which is necessary but slightly different. Do you KNOW it is drugs? Or is that just the most likely explanation? I struggled to separate FACTS (x amount withdrawn from x place on x date) from INFERENCES (which means y). What do I know factually and which bits of that matter? And why?

Some things matter legally...if he is hiding money, evidence of fraud, his financial links with OW, the pattern of lies suggesting he is more likely to be lying than not.

Some things matter emotionally...the shock and scale of the lies, how it makes me feel about him, about me and about our past marriage. Some things in our sitch are very different. We have no children. I have little doubt that my STBXH is in full party MLC. I know that my H loved me deeply and cared about our marriage. That we were a team...until he resigned from it. But I also know that my beloved H always lied, I just didn't think he lied to me. I saw him lie to other people over the years...family, work, friends. When he lied it was usually because a) it was easier to say yes than no b) he didn't want to hurt someone else's feelings and deal with that or c) he felt ashamed of something he felt or had failed to do.

I can deal with the legal/practical realities. The emotional second-guessing of our marriage and who he was/is is much harder for me. Trusting someone for 20 years and having no big reasons to doubt them (but maybe I didn't look hard enough?) and then having to shift to a point where your starting place is assuming lies. I felt/feel sometimes as if everything I thought was true maybe wasn't, and that's a tough spot to stand. Like you, I love my husband still - or the core person I thought he was - and like you I probably took our love for granted.

Here is where I try to reach for....accepting that I don't know what broke him only that he is broken. That both current reality and my memory of past reality are mine to define and both as real as each other. It isn't an either/or. That I love my H and my STBXH thinks D is the only option for him. That D keeps me financially safer right now even if it breaks my heart. That I don't know if I will ever know the truth behind the lies, or what will happen to him, or me. But I do know that my M, and my life with my H, brought me many blessings. Much as I hate where I am now, I am still grateful for those blessings. And sad they are gone.

In a few weeks when our D is finalised, I don't know if my H will celebrate or not. I will have mixed emotions like you and it is most likely that your H does too. None of this is either/or.