advice please

[CW2017]

Hello all
just got in from a very nice Italian meal out with the W. Although I had arranged this earlier in the week, it had also been suggested by the counsellor at our first joint MC session this morning as the "date night". This has been our first quality time meal together since one week after BD at the beginning of January and we did sort of put the world to rights (we did go out for the day for her birthday on 03/17, but apart from that it has been essentially family time only, we had intended to eat out over the intervening months but something always got in the way, but this is of course "background noise" to the main proceedings).

The MC session was extremely illuminating. I kicked it off with comments and objectives by saying that what I have had to deal with this year has clearly been a symptom of a bigger problem, i.e. the symptom being my wife choosing to embark on an extramarital affair. I said although it would be naive for me to think that there are no further interactions occurring at my W's place of work (on whatever level) and that there are probably still strong emotions involved my aim is to address the main issues so as to prevent any repeat episodes in the future. My W stated why the affair happened, i.e. the OM was unhappy in his own MR and was forever praising her, etc, etc. but she genuinely wanted things in the MR to go back to how things were before the affair.

The structure will now be for two further individual sessions before coming together again for further joint sessions. My aim in my next (confidential) session will be to tell the counsellor that my gut feeling is that the affair is still going on due to the depth of feelings involved despite me having now confronted (due to my previous "snooping" establishing the depth of the affair), e.g. my W was searching for classical love poems last week, I do rather cynically find it hard to believe that she is planning a card for our 20th anniversary in one month's time), it is also the case that some items of provocative lingerie have been purchased recently (again I am dubious as to the reasons for this, despite her knowing we are staying at a top hotel for our 20th; the evening will be a big deal, although she has no idea how many people are coming, I did of course arrange all this at the beginning of the year).

We got through the joint themes of forgiveness and trust and I set out my stall based on what has been recommended on these boards to me previously and I hoped that both the MC and my W would understand why I would still have trust issues. There was then an intriguing round where around 20 graphics were presented to us and we had to pick 3 which best summed up our relationship during this time. Unsurprisingly we both went for the brick wall between us. What was illuminating was that my W said her wall had probably building up for 2 years or more (so Sandi's reasoning was bang on here). Naturally her live in mother came into the mix here but the MC said our improved communication this year (i.e. basically talking through our day at work etc.) has essentially made a hole in this wall but that we both have to realise that the reasons for this wall now are very complex (which makes me wonder exactly what my W told her last week in her solo session).

What really took my breath away was that her next graphic involved her being in jail and I was the jailor (she had called me this at one point in her cell messages to the OM). Seemingly whenever she wanted to do things on her own such as going out with friends she detected an attitude from me, which was news to me as I had previously pointed out to her that due to my father being an old fashioned hard guy (World War 2 etc.) I had decided from an early age to be the polar opposite to him personality wise (probably turning me into an apparent "nice guy" although I'm probably not, although not in the marital context!). Hence it was a real shock to discover I was perceived as being controlling. I detect some genuine insecurity that has only really come to light this year after almost 27 years together (I have always been aware of selfish behaviour and high maintenance issues but this aspect of her personality has come as a complete shock). Ironically the last graphic I chose was the one where I had her back no matter what so I hope that one hit home.

I really hope she is taking all of this seriously because the only alternative is now the obvious (D).

would appreciate your comments.