Leaving it up to God (but still interfering!)

[Coly23]

Ownit, AP, Job, thank you all so much for your comments.

Ownit, I wish I had your optimism! Maybe in 6-12 months he might realise that he wants me but at the moment it feels like he couldn't care less if he never saw me again! After all the effort I made in letting him continue to be part of our family while it slowly killed me inside.

I think with him speaking up is to do with him trying to assert some parental authority but it isn't as effective if he doesn't do any other parenting. It feels is like he is cherry picking what he wants to get out of this.

Job, I wonder if his comments and behaviours are to do with being a little jealous. He isn't usually the jealous type but it certainly could be the reason why he hasn't contacted D at all for about two weeks now. Oh well! We have a right to live our lives without him and be happy!

I've also stopped contacting H when D gets upset with him. In the past I would be straight on the phone firing off a text to either apologise on D's behalf or defend her but now I do nothing I just listen to D and validate although I do advise her if I think a text might be too strong or disrespectful.

With the house, I've started to go around and do all the things that H couldn't be bothered to do when he was living here. He hates any DIY! Today I've started cleaning up some stained glass windows with a view to renovating the frames. I'm quite excited about it although I have never attempted anything like this so it could be a disaster! I'm going to see if my Dad can give me some advice.

AP, my main man! Hola to you too!! Wrt H not giving me any reasons for leaving he did say the usual that he doesn't love me, hates that I like gardening, hates that I don't like sport, hates that we have nothing in common blah, blah, blah! So nothing really concrete. Instead because he has refused to talk to me about this I have looked in the mirror quite a lot since BD and I am trying to see myself through his eyes. I know that I'm a big worrier unnecessarily usually, I nag, I was a little controlling, I'm really not interested in sports (but he knew that when he met me. I come from a large family of girls with very little money for food let alone hobbies), I get loud when I am frustrated, I get frustrated easily etc, etc. The list could go on. I am my biggest critic!

Over this past year I have taken steps to address each of theses issues and although I know I can't get rid if them all completely I am learning to tone them down. This holiday was a great opportunity for me to put all that I have learned so far into practice. After all what better opportunity than with two grumpy, mouthy, know it all teenage girls!! My greatest achievement was to try not to worry unnecessarily and if I did to not show the girls so I wasn't putting it on their shoulders too. Also I tried not to control each day by having a plan. After all, the fact that neither of them appeared from their bedrooms before lunchtime meant that any plans had to be very loose and not time-bound! I think they appreciated this!

AP, I am proud of the woman that I am becoming. I feel so much stronger now and so is my relationship with D. She really made me proud at her prom and I think she was secretly pleased that I swallowed my pride and asked H to come along. Although he has never thanked me if this. I was also very touched when during the holiday she told her friend that we had a very close mother daughter relationship.

Wrt taking H off as D's next of kin for college. I hope this didn't come across as being petty or look like I am punishing him. It was a difficult decision to make and I had mulled it over for a few weeks before speaking with D about it. For one it is not practical if we do not have his new address and I'm certainly not asking him as we are not supposed to know. Secondly the person who will be there for D when I am not able to surely needs to be someone I can trust and have confidence in and at the moment I don't have either in him.

You know, when I bagged up his clothes I didn't cry I just did it and that's how I know I was ready. Thanks for the Popsicle though I'm definitely going to start giving those out to our fellow D'bers now!!

Now, I've trying to get the image of your socks and sandles out of my head all evening but it keeps popping back in!!

Happy Saturday everyone!!