Trying to detach from WTF world

[Treasur]

Yup, spinning a bit today...followed by first email by a second saying don't bother, nothing he could say by email would make a difference so no need to reply. Only actions count and he isn't doing anything to stop the 'horrible mess' as he calls it. Actually I've been reading other's posts and beating myself up a bit. I'm a smart woman behaving stupidly. I don't need to know any more or understand why any more to see the reality that something in my previously lovely H broke and he has run off into WTF land. He doesn't care about me or the consequences of his actions on anyone else. He lies because he wants to and is outraged when the facts are used to challenge him by my lawyer because he's not a very bright liar.

I have written myself a big note right in front of my desk because I need to do more than detach. It says DROP THE F***ING HOPE ROPE.

I hate that this happened to me, our M and erased the person I loved so much. But hating it doesn't change the facts in front of my nose, does it?

I wish my father was still alive to talk to. I miss him. He loved my H but he would 2x4 him now for sure. Gosh, why am I still so shocked by all of this after almost 2 years now? Some of it is because I hate having to accept that this excuse for a human being is who he is choosing to be and that he is capable of doing what he has done. That he is so far away from the man I knew for such a long time. But he is. I sort of feel angry with the MLC version for killing off the other guy if that makes sense? At the same time, I know that these things are also part of the dark side of who he is and that's horrific to accept. That the same man who cried with joy when he gave me a watch is the same man who stole it and either pawned it or gave it to OW. That the same man who worried about me driving late at night is the same man who either sent me anonymous death threats or is happy to sleep with someone he'd known a few months who did.

He said last week that it's a horrible mess and he wants to stop the mess...but obviously he doesn't. My brain says it isn't my horrible mess. My heart just hates that this has happened to a fundamentally good man and a pretty good marriage. Sorry, spinning and feeling sorry for myself - bad day today. Bad week actually. Probably because he threw me off balance by appearing out of the undergrowth a fortnight ago and sounding different...but sounds and words are just lies, aren't they Cadet?