Hey T! You sound good. I love to read these stable posts where your anxiety isn't in charge, because I know that you're doing well and aren't torturing yourself with your own thoughts.
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I just want him to feel the gravity of his decisions and none of that will happen while hes so present in our lives.
Don't we all wish that could happen? But you're fighting a losing battle here, T, because this is in the god/universe box. You're trying to control the uncontrollable. Try as we might, we can't make someone else think positively of us or see our value, especially if they are in a state of mind not to want to see those things.
Your H could feel the gravity of his decisions while he's present, but more likely, he won't. Human nature is that it takes time and a sense of loss to look back and start second guessing ourselves.
Your H is a particular case, because his WH mind sees anything to do with you as something that is oppressing him and taking away his freedom as a man. Essentially, you've been scapegoated. As a former stepparent, one of the worst things about the role is how eager people are to treat you like an object and scapegoat you for any difficulties in the family. It's hard to know that people view you as causing something that you know in your heart isn't your fault.
Your H is not open to seeing you for you. In order to follow through with what he's bound and determined to do, he needs to see you as oppressive and controlling, and you have no power to change it. The one thing that might change it is you letting go and stop the urge to change his opinion of you. Live in the total absence of control (aside from setting healthy boundaries for yourself, of course! But boundaries don't try to control someone else, they're about what we will and will not accept for ourselves, and what we will do if boundaries are crossed.)
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I just want to know he's going to be sorry again one day, I want to know one day he will see what he gambled and lost.
I have a feeling it will come. No man walks away from a family right after a baby is born and maintains a feeling that his actions were right long-term. Right now, he wants that to be right, so he needs someone cast in the enemy role, and that's where you come in.
Also, as a former stepmom, I can tell you that his life is not going to be without sorrow, challenges, and regrets. I know your oldest is very clear with his dad about his hurt. He will continue to do that because of his personality and it will be a major stress on any relationship H has. (Of course you'd never try to foster these feelings in your children. It's best for them to have a good relationship with their dad.)
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Everyone thinks the pressure of buying the property getting ready to build the house and the baby coming got to him.
These are classic MLC triggers. We don't know for sure that he's in a MLC, but it's possible.
So you might be able to understand/stop blaming yourself, an MLC is all about repressed issues coming to the surface to force the person to deal with them. An MLCer is reacting to that feeling and trying to shape their life to get away from the repressed issues, not understanding that they are inside of them and won't go away. So they look for escapes.
I find H's relationship with his mom to be interesting. The way he seems to regress after BD in terms of his mom, and how she seems reluctant to speak up to him. Did he have to caretake his mom's emotions when he was young? I ask, because his relationship with his mom seems odd and because that will really mess a person up, and when the repressed emotions come up, they're going to be incredibly angry at anyone they feel is emotionally or financially dependent on them. It's going to feel like a vise, squeezing out their freedom and life's essence. And they're going to want to get away from those feelings.
If I'm right, then this would be happening to any woman H had built a life with, unfortunately. I may be totally wrong, though, as the above is just speculation because I don't know your H's story.
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I'm ready to get to the point of telling him to F off.
I hope you mean that figuratively. Put on your professional T384 demeanor, because H is a distant stranger to you now. You will treat him like you do your patients: you'll be cordial, but keep up an appropriate professional boundary. Due to H's choices, the two of you are in a professional environment now, where you share the project of raising your three boys.
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What man can say that they treat their wife the way he has and I still wake up in the middle of the night to take care of him not to win points but just because that is who I am and that's what he used to love about me.
You should be proud of your integrity, T. Don't look to him to validate you here. You did an amazingly kind thing, and even if he doesn't show it, he saw it, too.
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I am the person a fool would leave. I know it.
I'd like to see more evidence that you do. You are so tough on yourself and you hurt yourself. I'd like to see you treating yourself like you would a treasured friend. If a friend was struggling, you'd listen, you'd understand that her emotions will fluctuate, you'd validate her, and you'd tell her all the reasons she's an amazing person.
