Wait let me get this straight? She reached out to you to say she was wrong...then moved back and in a few weeks that she was with you she had rekindled with OM? and then later goes through that cycle again?
I am sorry to hear that. But it sounds like she needs help. And it [censored] you have to deal with this.
Yes, that's exactly what happened, and I agree, she does need help. And she will not find that help in a relationship with me or OM. she needs to do a lot of heavy lifting emotionally and inter personally. From what she has told me, which I don't trust too much, but on this topic I tend to believe her. OM turned out to be a piece of work. Who was controlling, and emotionally alienated her from friends and family. She said once she finally realized what he was, she realized she didn't love him she loved the person he had been trying to be which was me.
No matter, I told WW she had a long way to go before there can even be a conversation that includes "we". I told her she needed to find herself get right with the guilt she carries and make things right with her family. Then we can have a talk about we and if there is anything left. I also told her at this moment after 3 years apart my life has taken me in a different direction, with commitments to my career where I will deploy again. "That is how we got in this situation in the first place." I also told her of my commitment to my GF who in good consciousness I couldn't treat her wrong, for all the love and support she has given me.
I was shocked when she completely agreed with the above things I said. She simply asked me not to close her out of her life all together. She said she does need to just work on her, and she will get right with her family, she just asks that I be available to offer advice or an ear to listen to if she needs it. Because after all the mistakes she has made she now feels completely alone.
I told her I empathized with her feelings and if she needed to talk I'd be available, that it's not about right or wrong but about moving forward and finding out who she is once again and coming to terms with past decisions and acceptance for things we cannot change.
And to clarify, I had moved from Hawaii to north Carolina because of military. She had decided to stay in hawaii where OM was stationed. She came to visit for a week after reaching out to me about a year and a half ago. After the visit we agreed she would go back to Hawaii packup her things and move to NC, in two weeks time.
Well within week 1 being back in hawaii they began their relationship again. And the rest is history.
Hi RysinMn, long time no post!! But good to hear from you and I'm glad to read that you are doing well, despite how things unfolded.
I always think the main thing is to get to a good place within yourself - and then whomever does whatever or decides whatever, it doesn't matter too much. It is kind of you to be willing to lend an ear, should your W need it. If XH contacted me (which he hasn't done for a year or so) I would aim for compassion. The worst thing would be to be mean out of anger and pain, and then something awful happen. We have to be able to live with ourselves at the end of the day.
So maybe not the best news in terms of your sitch, but I am heartened to read your positive tone in any case.
My very best wishes to you!
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sounds like a lesson for all the WS out there. The grass is actually Brown in the other side. I can see my W eventually coming back when that fantasy becomes a reality. But knowing who I am I would likely leave her to deal with her own mess. Especially if I'm in a new relationship. Not the type to bring old drama into a new sitch.
And after realizing he had used all that information to more or less become me and give her everything I was giving her before I deployed. She stated she realized way too late what he did.
I'm still not sure she's really owning what she did. I mean it sounds like she's saying that it turns out OM was scamming her, so now it's time to go back to Plan B (you).
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She does however take full responsibility for her actions in her email "so in words" not actions.
Oh OK, so maybe she is owning it. Did it sound sincere? Have you talked to her about this in person or just gotten an email?
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Although I still care about her deeply, I cannot trust in her words, and she has not been out of the other relationship very long for her to prove anything.
Yup, exactly.
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She simply asked me not to close her out of her life all together. She said she does need to just work on her, and she will get right with her family, she just asks that I be available to offer advice or an ear to listen to if she needs it. Because after all the mistakes she has made she now feels completely alone.
Oh wow. Well on the one hand she's lying in a bed that she made herself, but on the other hand you can't help but feel at least a little sorry for her. I've got to ask though, how serious is your R with your GF? Because if it's more than casual (to both of you) then you have to ask how fair it would be to her if you continue supporting your W. I don't envy your position, early on I told my brother that one of my biggest worries was that I would move on and find someone else and THEN W would want to reconcile, in that scenario someone gets hurt no matter what choice we make. But like you said your W has a lot of work to do on herself before any thoughts of recon could happen.
I'm still not sure she's really owning what she did. I mean it sounds like she's saying that it turns out OM was scamming her, so now it's time to go back to Plan B (you).
AS, first of all, thanks for returning to this forum. You always provide some great (and positive) responses.
Since you have been here a lot over the years, and seem to read loads of threads, do you think it's unusual for the OM's just to be scammers or do they in general tend to be just that? I mean, they are just in it for the "fun"...
M:46 WXW:40 T:20 M:13 D3,D8,D10 BD:11/12/16 D:12/14/16 OM confirmed 01/20/17
AS, first of all, thanks for returning to this forum. You always provide some great (and positive) responses.
You're welcome! Thank you for the kind words!
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Since you have been here a lot over the years, and seem to read loads of threads, do you think it's unusual for the OM's just to be scammers or do they in general tend to be just that? I mean, they are just in it for the "fun"...
I really do believe that most OMs just like the challenge of picking off someone else's W. It's exciting to them due to the taboo nature of it. Once they have the WAS on the hook and the WAS goes through S or D then the bloom is off the rose and they get bored with them. They quit the pretenses of being Mister Sensitive (fulfilling all those things the WAS was "missing in the marriage" which in my view is just manipulation, a part of their game to draw the WAS in) and then things unravel pretty quickly. Unfortunately it seems the WAS is all too ready to jump right into another R to "cushion the blow" of losing OM, that might be with the LBS or with someone new. But clearly, as you've already found in your sitch, they have not done the work on themselves they need to do and what they really need is a time out from relationships to gather themselves and get some much-needed help.
I agree with AnotherStander. My W is dealing with a OM who is serial cheater on his own W. But has a history of messing with married women and then kicking them to the curb once the leave their H. But he never lease his own W. These W sacrifice everything for this guy and he loses nothing. I warned my W about this guy who just happened to be at the right place at the right time. About what OM W told me about him. But my W is so stubborn that she is going to have to find out the hard way.
OM lives out of state, so basically he knows that all he has to do at this point is respond with one hour's after she text him 4 or 5 times. Dude is doing just enough to keep her attention and interest. The line he fed her was "let's just see where this goes." So W fell for the oldest line that takes away all responsibility and guilt from him when he kicks her to the curb. So yes, it's all just a thrill for these guys taking W from their H.
But clearly, as you've already found in your sitch, they have not done the work on themselves they need to do and what they really need is a time out from relationships to gather themselves and get some much-needed help.
I'm not the original poster in this thread so it's not my sitch but thanks anyway - I just saw your post regarding THIS OM, and wanted to hear your opinion in general.
M:46 WXW:40 T:20 M:13 D3,D8,D10 BD:11/12/16 D:12/14/16 OM confirmed 01/20/17
