that sounds rough. But it also sounds like if you both recognize the issues each of you needs to work on that maybe the two of you can figure it out. there is a lot of validation happening in your first paragraph...but there are also fears and concerns.
maybe once that happens will she let go of A...and since they live in different states a PA is pretty much not happening. Maybe if you stop asking her will be a step where she will agree to stop talking to him?
