Tread: I wonder... if it would make a difference rather than have you do everything or have her do everything you do things together? Like bills etc. My W. and I are finally doing things together...and it has bumps but now that we begun doing it: we are laughing a lot and enjoying it a lot.
I recognize a lot of my sitch in yours: I too saw my W engage in the things she complained about and I dismissed it for those reasons...and it brought us to the brink of divorce (we haven't avoided that). Just because she does ABC doesn't mean you don't have to fix ABC (or XYZ). Now if it is just YOU changing then no...
I never admitted I was wrong (sometimes it was over silly things that I got upset over...now I realize that was because I couldn't even admit the little things and I completely was deaf on the big things).
It seems to have made a HUGE difference in our interactions after I started validating her concerns, and making changes and actually sticking with those changes. In turn she has made her changes.
She keeps talking to OM (although it clearly reduced significantly) but she also hasn't expressed wanting to remain married. But she increasingly is saying more and more and acting accordingly. In my case fear for her safety played a huge role. The more I remove reasons for her to be afraid the more she has opened up. She acts on the information from the MC. It began with one thing every other day, now she is doing multiple things every day.
Maybe my approach is wrong. But in DR it says look for results...look for improvements. So unless W just wants to create a smooth peaceful ride until she leaves...then okay... either this will create the conditions for her to recommit. OR we have a great time together and she was just cake eating. At the end of the day she just now has her own bank account, and had other fears. If she is cake eating...at least there is peace in the home. And I can leave with my head held high that I am treating her with kindness. If that makes me a fool so be it. She brought someone into OUR home and she now says she will never do that. She hung out with him a week after I discovered and since hasn't. She mentioned wanting to and then respected that boundary by saying she won't hang out if we aren't in a good place or had a bad night. She keeps moving further and further away. Now next week when I am on a quick trip...she could have him over in our home or she could hang out with him. I have no way of knowing. But I cannot keep an eye on her 24/7. So I made a choice to trust her. Especially with her recent actions.
Now in your sitch it seems your W is denying her actions despite you having proof. I cannot remember reading if you shown her the evidence you gathered. But when I did my W was initially hostile and said so what and slowly showed remorse and regret and guilt. Her respect for me was below zero...and has since increased. So it is odd to me that your W denies this unless she doesn't know what you know. Or that all the things you say they shared was 7 months ago.
