Sandi....thanks. My wife and I are physically separated we have never hit or yelled at each other so that is not a concern. Usually any coordination that is done is through text messages so the only time we may actually converse is during kid swap and that is minimal conversation. Hey, how are you etc.
Is it acceptable to take my kids on a night where I know my wife has a school function? She is a school teacher and has to work late for inservice dates etc. If she communicates those dates to me ahead of time and it is on our schedule is that acceptable? T
he other night she tried to get me to change our schedule because she needed a break......she ended up changing her mind but I told her I couldn't do it because I already had plans. I can see this getting more frequent when school starts.
I have been in her apt a couple of times but can stop that immediately and if she invites me in I will just tell her I will wait outside?
Is it acceptable to take my kids on a night where I know my wife has a school function? She is a school teacher and has to work late for inservice dates etc. If she communicates those dates to me ahead of time and it is on our schedule is that acceptable?
How often do you need her to take the kids on your scheduled dates? If you need her help every once in a while as well, for your own sake you could be flexible.
You'll probably hear from a lot that you should do it but, not from me. I had my XW's back regarding the kids throughout our M (she works evenings) and that apparently didn't work out. So why should I have her back now? Those working hours certainly didn't do anything good for my M. And now I'm supposed to accomodate them still?
She chose life without me, let her have it. Also she's extremely unflexible due to her working hours when the kids are with me, so she is to no use for me.
Plus I'm way to busy being mysterious and GAL'ing ;-)
M:46 WXW:40 T:20 M:13 D3,D8,D10 BD:11/12/16 D:12/14/16 OM confirmed 01/20/17
I might need her to assist me from time to time but since she is a teacher and has to be at school late some night she will need assistance. I guess I am trying to look at the bigger picture. I could stand my ground but in the long run being difficult might hurt me since she is a teacher and keeps them all summer. If things get ugly she could say I don't want them all summer and you need to pay for childcare every other week or pay me to watch them. I don't think she would do that but the longer this goes on and if there is another man I could see a once amicable D turn ugly.
When it comes to my sons, I don't give a sh*t about DB or anything that someone else thinks or says; I love having my sons around and I'll take them as much as possible. If I could have them all the time, I'd do it in a heartbeat.
Tread, do you believe all lot of your W's controlling ways stem from her FOO? If she saw her parent incapable of running the home sufficiently, and she had to take on that role at an early age........it makes sense that those behavior patterns were set and carried over into the M.
Let me say this about controlling. I think most everyone has a just a little touchcontour desire to control some situation. Some are not as obvious as others. I know some good people who want to control their grown children's lives, or other members of their family, friends, co-workers, etc. They can appear to be sweet, caring individuals. We see it almost everywhere, if we know the signs. While some may have good intentions, there are others who are driven by anything but good. They want the sense of power over a situation. They either believe they know what is best in the situation, or they have a selfish motive. Some can be extremely selfish and out to get what they want, and too bad for anyone else. They go too far when they begin to manipulate people.
I don't know your W's personality type, and I need to refresh myself with your stitch. In the beginning of the M, did you sit down as a couple to make financial decisions, or discuss options, choices, etc. about jobs and other things that would affect the family? Was there one person in charge of balancing the check book......or was this team work? Do you have a situation where you work and bring home the money, and the W is in charge of everything else?
If you could look at the picture without the A in it, would you see a lack of respect she shows for you? Is it all connected to this a? Do you have any idea of what you did, before the A, that would cause her to lose respect for you? I can't remember how long you've been together, but during a MR small resentments can begin to mount in her heart. So many unresolved issues are pushed down inside, and many times.......the H has no idea about it, b/c she did not present it to him in a language he could understand. So, she stops trying and then she has frustration added to the unresolved issues and resentment.......and it eats away at the admiration & respect she felt for him. She thinks it will never change, b/c he won't change, and bitterness seeps into her soul. That is a combination of bad stuff to carry around for any length of time. It continues to grow and eventually, she rebels.
Have you done some deep soul searching and self evaluation in how you measure up as a man, husband, and father? Before you can expect to do much with the relationship with her, you need to be painfully honest with yourself and improve yourself to the best of your ability. I'm not suggesting you put on the Super H Cape and get rediculous about doing all of her chores, etc. I mean, just work on your manhood, build your confidence, become more like the man you envision in your mind. Did/do you have a role model, that you could ask yourself, "What would he do in a stitch such as mine"? Our roles models do not have to be parents, or even people IRL. It can be a character you've studied, or a hero in a movie........I think we all need a role model.
Don't be a doormat. It bothers me to read posts where people think DBing means becoming a doormat. I'm not upset at them personally, but I think it is a misconception many folks have. IMHO, MWD gives the reader what he wants to hear. She offers hope, and that's what he wants. She is saying, "A divorce is not the answer to your marital problems". Instead of running out and getting a quick D, give it some time, and while you are giving things time......you can do x, y, & z. But I don't recall getting the impression it meant you had to lay down and be used for a doormat. No person should ever feel like a doormat. If you feel like one, then there's a good chance you are being treated as one. Nobody can change it, but you.
I think you need to view your banking activity on line, FYI. B/c waywards cannot be trusted, and you need to see what is going out of the accounts. You can do it, without her knowledge, and without causing a scene. Many WW's have drained the account and left the family in high debt. If you have not sought legal advice in how to protect your finances, retirement, property, etc., please do it. Does she have income? And, is she depositing her income into the joint account? Do not take her at her word. This is another route some WW's use. They will have a secret account to deposit their payroll checks, b/c as they say, "That's my money! I don't want to use it to pay household expenses". Be smart, and know what is in your bank accounts, and anything else she would have power to change.
I think the smart thing is to get intell on everything that pertains to you, the M, the house, etc. Is there anything she tries to hold over your head, to push her weight around, or threatened.......that causes you to retreat to the dog house?
My suggestion is not to storm in one day and tell her you are taking over, yada, yada. Just begin working on your confidence and practicing what I said in that long post about how you present yourself as a man. If she gets out of line in front of the kids, how would you address it the first time? And when it happens the second time, what will you do differently? When you have a WW, she doesn't give much credit to what you say, but she watches what you do. We all can put our heads together and work on some problem solving solutions. (And what I've given you is a start).
Do you have any intell on the affair and OM? There are mixed opinions about gathering intell. Have you made any threats about the A? We can come back to this, once I get your response.
Does she discuss OM to you? Does she tell you she's going out to meet him?
Do you confront her and talk about him, or her behavior?
As far as you can tell, has the A gained speed or tapering down?
What are you doing to GAL, and how often each week are you going out?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yes, I seriously believe that the controlling issues do stem from my wife's childhood issues. But she tends to contradict yourself, because she may complain every once and awhile that she gets stressed over handling some things. But when I offer to take over, she gets upset. And doesn't want me to interfere. So to avoid drama, I just stepped away. When we first got married, I did everything and consulted with her. But then it felt like I controlled everything and that simply isn't my personality. So I showed her how to do things and allowed her to take over. We both still make major decisions, but for the most part she handles the bills.
We had MR issues prior to the A, so I'm not going to put all of this on her. Or act like the A is what got us to this point. I learned about manhood, fatherhood and being a H from my own father. My parents have been married for 38 years. So Ihandle things like my father would all these years. The problem is that my W can't stand how father does things. So I soent years handling things like my father would, but yet trying to adjust to how my W wanted me to be. Whenever I would say or do what my father would do, W would respond your acting like Tread Sr(I'm named after my father by the way).
W would nag about some things, but I took it as nagging. Especially considering that she would do the same things she complained about. She once complained about me beinge watching 7 sevens of Sons of Anarchy, while during this period she was doing the same with 11 seasons of Criminal Minds. The serious stuff that she buried like you mention, W was telling mutual friends of ours who instructed her to talk with me. But apparently she never bothered. Until it got to the point of her having the A. I found this stuff out after that mutual friend informed me about the things I didn't know about the A.
Also you better believe I'm checking out the bank accounts and questioning everything getting taken out. W got mad last weekend, saying that she doesn't appreciate not trusting her. I simply responded saying that I just want to be more involved. By the way W did open up another account last weekend. But I haven't said a thing about it. Decided I'm going to wait to see how long it takes for her to tell me about it. I'll probably wait about another 2 weeks on that one. Also she does have her own income and we share a joint account. Both are checks are direct deposited into that account. There is nothing thta she holds over my head.
OM lives in VA with his W and 3 children. They're still in contact, but W claims they're just friends now. Claims the few times when the A happened 7 months back that things were just physical and no emotions in mind. But yet W is looking at this guys FB page everyday. And was writing and sending him poetry. Was sending him little flirty photos of herself. All this stuff she denies doing, even though I have proof. At this point, its an EA. Which is all her at this point. Dude fed her the oldest line in the book. That they'll see where things go. OM h as cheated on his own W many times throughout his MR. But never lives and the times that he has, he always came crawling back to his W. This is the guy my W is currently obsessed with, but won't admit it.
I confront W on occasion, telling her that staying in contact with him is disrespectful to me and his W. But she doesn't seem to care and just sticks with the were just friends lie. From the message I found when the A first started. My W plan was to divorce me and still sleep around with this guy regardless if he was still with his W or not. Disgusted that my W was going to settle being the OW to this guy. But knowing my W and the things she has said. She probably feels that if she is good to OM, eventually he'll see her as this great person and leave his family for her. I should leave my W just for being this foolish alone. So things with them are probably in limbo due to me knowing everything, which makes sneaking around difficult. Especially considering we live in TN and OM is in VA.
For GAL, I hike(Thursdays), Yoga(Saturday), flag football(Sundays),go out to an event at least once or twice a week(Friday or Saturday). Working out in the garage(daily). And hanging out with S13 when I can. So I have been keeoping busy. We're still in the same home, W refuses to leave. Hope Iwas able to break down all your questions.
Talk about the oldest line in the book, that's what she gave you when she said they were just friends. Once they engage in any type of an A (whether physical or emotionally) they cannot be friends. Never!
Here's the thing, if this OM even fell into the category of a friend, what W would not give up that friend if her H asked it of her? But if the H tells her he is not comfortable with her being friends with OM......and she refuses to give up OM, you can bet your last dollar it's b/c it's more than just a friendship. Think about it. She chooses a friend over her H and her M?
To make this even worse, she tells you they had physical sex but it was without emotions? Please! Is that suppose to make it okay that now they only think of each other as friends? She is playing you for a fool, in so many ways.
When a WW knows that her H is aware of her infidelity and he does nothing more than talk about it while she continues the A.......she will not have respect for him.
I think all of us carry a certain amount of traits carried over from our FOO. We can overcome or learn another behavior that is more acceptable and makes us a better person. However, if we have no reason to change, no motivation to work at change.....most will not bother. If her family adjusts themselves to fit around her......there is little hope she will see the necessity or have the desire to change her ways.
Opening a hidden account, usually means she is preparing for her exit. As for as waiting to see how long it takes her to tell you..........what makes you think ever will? What would you do about it, whether she tells you or not?
Tread, you have depended on your mouth to do the work at saving your MR........and so far, it has been useless. Action is what counts with a WW! Is she concerned about losing anything?
Have you tried the last resort technique? Have you dropped the rope? Have you detached, enforced boundaries? What is your plan, since she doesn't care that you know she's had a PA and still contacting OM?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
When it comes to my sons, I don't give a sh*t about DB or anything that someone else thinks or says; I love having my sons around and I'll take them as much as possible. If I could have them all the time, I'd do it in a heartbeat.
I don't have kids but that would be my approach. Don't let the kids suffer...at the end THEY will appreciate you and might even recognize what you did.
It's also related to in my eyes being the bigger person. Now, if it is accommodating her in some other way...that's different.
