Thanks for checking in on me! I totally get what you're saying. You know today I thought to myself while I was grocery shopping (I only had the baby so I had time to let my mind wander lol), anyway I thought to myself the way I am acting and listening but not doing what I'm told is similar to H. Everyone that cares about him has told him how he's messing his life up, he needs to think about what he's doing etc etc. But he continues to go the opposite direction.
Much like you lovely people continue to tell me this is my reality and i need to let go and I haven't yet. I know it's not totally the same but I can see when it's not what you WANT to do you fight against it, much like what H is doing. I don't think I'm fighting against the advice though, I really want to do it and I feel like I am getting there slowly. I just want him to feel the gravity of his decisions and none of that will happen while hes so present in our lives.
I was thinking how he woke me up last night and I took care of him, he will never have that from me again and I don't know that he gets that. Not that it's my concern to worry about.
This morning he woke up and asked me to look at his eyes, they looked pretty bad. I asked him if he wanted me to make him an appointment. So I did and I drove him there. He laid on the couch like he was at deaths door and I got all the kids ready took care of the dogs and loaded everyone up and drove him there. He did thank me. I dropped him off at the house, he offered to come with me to pick up my computer but I declined his invitation. I came home to a package at the door. He said it was for a guy friend at work. S6 caught him texting and sending a picture of it and said it was to a girls name XXX (boss daughter). I sat and pondered confronting him. I haven't yet because I'm not sure that I should. I know hes lying, hes been lying for months. It's not about that, I think it's just about disrespecting the boys and I in our home and disrespecting everything i have done for him in the last 24 hours, but he's been disrespecting everything I've done for him the last 13 years so why does what I did last night and today matter? I know the answer to this is to say nothing and work toward getting him out of the house so that these communications he has with other women won't be under the roof of our family home. That's how I know I'm getting better because I didn't even cry about it I had a short moment of anger sitting here wanting to go out there and then it left me and I've decided - well that's sad for him that he's ordering thigns for other women and dumb enough to have them sent here. Wow he must really think I'm dumb, if he only knew.
On a funny note, my dad finds it hilarious that H is laid up like he's dying. he keeps texting me that it's Karma starting lol. H supposedly had a work event at a big bar downtown that he has to miss. Poor guy.
Hi Sandi - I guess the reason why I take the blame is because he is behaving differently then he was last BD. Last BD he was DEFINITELY wayward.. wouldn't come around call text or have anything to do with me, wouldn't even look at me. This time he is sleeping on the couch, brought me dinner last night. Very up and down. He also told my dad he still wants to keep the boat here so that we can still go out as a family and maintain the family unit for the boys. To me I don't know that that is wayward I look at that as just someone who is done and has thought this decision through and feels this is right for him and wants to make the best of it. So I think that's were my struggle and blaming myself comes in as if he's so willing to maintain the family unit but just doesn't feel anything for me but wants to keep the family traditions up if that makes sense. Last time I remember asking him early after BD to do something together for the kids and he flat out refused. He spent hours working on the air conditioner last night, last BD he would have never done that. My dad said he thinks he just wised up from last time and learned what didn't work.
But yes all that you're saying about waywards DOES sound like him. He is delusional to think that everythign is going to be the same and we just won't be married. I don't know that he can even picture what life is going to look like. I mean hes telling others hes getting his own place but can't even have that conversation with me. My dad told me last night when I was upset that he is about to get a really big dose of reality here soon. He only thinks about today, he doesn't think about the big picture like I do.
I feel as though I haven't made much progress. I feel stuck. I feel like he is further away as I've stated. I know things are about to get worse. Tomorrow I am going to have to tell him he is not coming with us to soccer. I know that is going to get the ball rolling of him not paying and him sticking it to me. I am not ready for that but I know it's what I have to do. I have allowed him to continue to do what is convenient for him and he has not had to bend at the knee for anythign since he left. My dad told me why would he want to come back? why would he want to fix things? His life is better, he comes here whenever he wants, talks to whatever girls he wants, doesn't have to answer to anybody. He's living a fantasy right now, why would he want to trade that in. It is so very true.
Cadence - I'm sorry to hear about your H's friend. I really can't stand people like that but I also have to remind myself that ultimately my H (and your H) are grown men that SHOULD be capable of knowing right from wrong and being able to say now. i find myself wanting to place some blame or 50/50 blame on these people that make him feel justified because I know that H is a very weak person. Just like your H with that friend he will speak to whomever is goign to tell him what he wants to hear because he doesn't want to be questioned. Hence the only people he is talking to about it that are pushing him towards D are people that live 1000 miles away and haven't seen him since before we met 14 years ago. God forbid he actually talks to his friends that live here and that know us both and our family.
25- I know I am wasting time sitting here wondering what snaps in him that he all the sudden does this. I truly believe it's him being influenced by this other free life he wants to lead. the boss and her daughter and the guys at work all ride motorcycles - he wants to be like them and be free. They are all single or going through a divorce. its quite creepy actually.
it's funny you say that about lying becasue when I confronted him about the motorcycle he said I knew you would say no and be mad so I mind as well just do it anyway. I said you ASSUME, and it's because you don't know how to handle it the right way. I know I deserve better and I think that if you told me I wouldn't have to share my kids 50/50 I would be okay. My kids are everything to me and I don't want to miss out on their lives for a second, I don't want them doing things with him and another woman that we used to do. I know I have to let that go and I can't control it. It needs to go in the God box, but damn it really really is something I am struggling with.
I just want to know he's going to be sorry again one day, I want to know one day he will see what he gambled and lost. I know I can't hold my life waiting for that day.
I am going to DTR, I am getting there, I know it will happen, I can feel it getting closer each day... i find myself less upset, wanting to react less, etc. I am not saying I won't have bad days because I just had one yesterday but I can feel the change in me.
I wish we could post pictures here so you all could see my sweet boys and the baby with these huge smiles he has on his face. That's what keeps me going, but makes me sad at the same time that he's walking away from that. It's his loss. He will miss out on so many milestones of our son.
Hi Blu - Thanks as always for stopping by. Everything you describe is EXACTLy how I feel. THank god for my boys because they make me get up every morning put on my big girl pants and get on with the day. I don't want to look back and regret missing out on this time in their lives especially the baby, I will never get that time back so I won't let him take that from me.
Everyone thinks the pressure of buying the property getting ready to build the house and the baby coming got to him. That he got this new group of people at work that have freedom and no responsibilities and here I am this pregnant wife working and in school that isn't a whole lot of fun to be around. I had hyperemesis until the end of my pregnancy and only gained 4 lbs so I know I wasn't fun to be around.
I know you say you don't have a lot to add, but boy you really do. Last time he said it was the darkest time of his life as well and that he would never jeopardize his family ever again no matter how tough things got. I don't feel I need to say anything to him anymore. I have apologized for my faults and attempted to right them to no avail... i will not apologize anymore because it just fuels him further. I don't feel he will see what he is doing for a very long time. Last time it took things ending with OW and him being alone (because he cannot be alone, he doesn't know how to be, which is how I know he is romantically involved with someone because he doesn't know how to be alone).
I do know that I deserve better. I;ve thought a lot about that today just watching him lay and sleep on the couch all day while I take care of everything. I think about when I was pregnant that he never lifted a hand to help me or didn't go out of his way to treat me with the kindness I have given him today. Then my mind starts spinning that he is so capable of treating these other women with kindness but he wouldn't pull me out of a fire if he were a bystander. It hurts, I acknowledge that feeling and it [censored]. I try to remind myself that is within him and not a reflection of me.
What man can say that they treat their wife the way he has and I still wake up in the middle of the night to take care of him not to win points but just because that is who I am and that's what he used to love about me.
I'm ready to get to the point of telling him to F off. I made my work schedule and unfortunately will be gone alot from the boys starting in August but I need to for financial purposes so that I am not relying on him 100% I will not be working full time becasue of school but still will be gone a good bit. Makes me more angry at him that I'll be missing the baby more and more. Our plan was that i wouldn't go back to work after the baby and would be at home wtih him and focus on school. Just have to pinch myself and remind myself that's the past and not how it is now.
I am the person a fool would leave. I know it. I know that he will not have with these women what he had with me and our boys. He is looking for something he is never going to find. He doesn't know how to maintain happiness. His happiness is only external.
And by the way, thank you to each and everyone of you for lifting me up and thinking so highly of me. It means a lot and it makes me feel good about myself when I don't feel that way. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you. Reading how you feel about me is heartwarming and lifts my spirits. I know my posts are probably frustrating to read and pretty much say the same thing over and over but it is just me being honest about my day to day feelings and struggles because I feel that is the best way to help me is by putting it all out there. It is therapeutic to write it out because as I'm writing it I am starting to see that some of the things sound ludicrous.
