I just read your sitch. I am impressed with your disposition and stance on this. You seem very level headed and strong. It is still relatively early and you have a solid grasp on things. I would say to try and keep in mind that it is still early. The saying here is that this is a marathon, not a sprint. Often we want answers and to know the outcome, however it really can take many months or even years to unfold. Even if D proceedings happen or legal paperwork is done, please keep in mind that things can still change. The emotional aspect still exists too, as that is all just paper.
I have been reading here for 3 plus years, and while I am no expert, I tend to think that there is some type of A in most sitches. Sometimes they are revealed right away and sometimes not at all. It sounds like it won't do you any good to worry about that or speculate anyhow, so I am glad you are letting that idea go. I only bring this up because you say that any type of A is an automatic deal breaker. I can understand feeling that way. I always felt that way too, until it happened to me. Sometimes as the years go by and we see the benefit our family has on our kids, or begin to understand our partner on a deeper level, the concept alone becomes less relevant than all the circumstances surrounding it.
I can completely sympathize with mindreading and why he is not moving things out, working on the house, and overall sending mixed messages. I struggled with that a lot! My H did and said so many things while he was gone that indicated he would come back. And he did. The thing is, when I have gone back and asked him about those incidents and if he was doing/saying it because he wasn't detached from me, I was only right about half the time. There were also so many random interactions that we had where he was missing me, wanting to come back, and showing remorse and I completely missed it. So my point is, it is very hard to tell and somewhat of a wasted effort.
My initial thought about the work he had done on your house, is that he plans on coming back. He could also just be feeling guilty for leaving. He also simply may care about you and the children and wants your space to be nice with no thoughts of returning. I wish we could tell, but I tend to believe we have no idea what they are thinking or feeling. One of my H's breaking moments (when he knew he wanted to come home) was when we had a random telephone conversation about walking the dog. Something very simple, which led to feelings of normalcy, was one of the straws that broke the camels back. ... Not however the bottle of wine and card he left on my bed months prior. That he said was just a thank you note. ... Sigh.
I think you are on the right track though. Keep living for you and keep up those DBing efforts--Sandis rules, GAL, 180s, and then allow that detachment. Detachment is good in any M or R for that matter. Your post a couple weeks back was right on target. You are going to have wonderful life with or without this man, and if he doesn't want in on it, well then you really don't want him either. It is almost that simple. On the flip side, often people come back together or remarry years down the road ...
Just take it day by day and keep living for you. This will all unfold as it should in time. Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
