You have the best supporters/advice here, so I may not have much to add, but I will try :-) You mentioned that you are weaker than the rest of us or that you are not able to DB. My goodness that gets me in the gut! If you only knew how wrong you are!!!
When my H DB me and then left me for OW, I could not even bring myself to make an account or post at all! Even though I read here every day and tried to take it all in, I just didn't have the strength or courage to do it. In fact if you read my sitch you will see that I failed at DB for a long, long time. I was just like you in that I ruminated about H and what he was doing every day, I snooped (but there wasn't much hidden because it was in front of me), and I spun in circles for a LONG time. Even though I read here and logically understood he was running from our life, I still completely blamed myself. I felt like a complete failure. I couldn't accept my reality, that he could really do this, and that he would never come back. I was a skeletal, anxious, depressed, shell of a person! But I am not that way now, I am stronger than ever.
So that was years ago and a lot has changed. I can tell you without a doubt that I was wrong and that you are wrong. Our Hs are different, but there are many similarities. Now I have asked all the questions and I have the answers (in my sitch anyhow). So pleease trust me when I say, this is not about you and this is not your fault! This is about his inability to cope when life has obstacles and that he is wayward and running to any quick fix to superficially feel better. He has to try and blame you for his unhappiness because that is the only way he can justify his chitty behaviors! He will look and hold on to any reason to blame you because then he doesn't have to look at himself. He will rally anyone that buys into this BS so he can further justify his choices. He is far, far gone right now. There is nothing you can do to bring him back. Different players, same script.
So no you cannot change him or make him see the truth, you know that. But what you can do is take away all his ammunition and give him nothing. You turn all focus off of him and back on to you. Let him go (you have no choice anyhow because he has left). Let him go off on his own and he will feel the natural consequence of these choices and sadly for him, there will not be any light at the end of his tunnel. My H now describes that as the darkest time of his life (even though he had OW right there swooning over him and flattering him). It is quite simply stated that "we are all responsible for our own happiness and no one else." He is responsible for his and you for yours.
T, you are so much stronger than you know. Just the fact that you continue to post here and share your vulnerabilities, take the 2*4s again and again, and then you get up each day and keep trying, is pretty amazing! I couldn't even do that! You are living and honest and authentic life and that is what is so admirable about you. He is a selfish, arrogant, wayward, and as long as he knows you are there and waiting, he will continue to walk all over you.
You may not see it yet, but you are on your way. You are gonna rise above this arse-hat and have a beautiful life. The strong T knows that he is not making you unhappy either. He doesn't get that power. This is about you and your perspective. You are your own worst enemy. Once you feel strong enough to drop the rope and start healing (and you will get there), then you will learn that you really don't need (or want) this guy. Try and have some patience with yourself, this takes time, so please try and hold your head up and show yourself more kindness.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
