I'm definitely trying to get emotional closure to this thing by being cordial. I didn't however expect the emotional out pouring I got from her. I feel that is where I wasn't prepared. I had already come to terms that we were over. So to hear contradicted words was a little tough. I've laid on my cott for a few night going through my emotions making sure I do not do anything random, even been on a few runs, what I keep coming back to is
1) my career path, she left me while I was deployed. Here I am again deployed I don't know if she could have mentally handled this if we had actually made reconciliation 1 year and 4 months ago. That in itself is huge.
2) although she admitted it was her fault and it all stemmed from her being inherently selfish in her words, she still exudes those same tendencies. And how can it trust that.
3) saying you didnt love OM but you loved the man that he portrayed. Because he used all the things that are meant to stay between man and wife to his advantage. And essentially became me. Is really hard for me to understand. I cannot begin to understand what she went through, i so know the pain I went through and it wasn't pretty. My whole world revolved around that young lady. So for me chalking it up to she loved me, and fell in love with another person pretending to be me, is a bitter pill to swallow. It's like saying I'm upgrading to a 2018 when your driving the 2017 model.
4) it's been 3+years since the initial affair. I stayed single I tried to work things out. I know there really isn't an answer when someone asks when is enough, enough. And to be honest if I wasn't with someone I would probably be willing to see if this was something that could be salvaged. But the truth is I had to move on, and in moving on I found a wonderful, loyal, supportive person who has my back. And I owe her, and myself, the best me I can be for all the sacrifices we have made, and all we have endured. It definitely saddens me a little to have such doubts about something that was once so great, that now I can't even allow myself to think of the possibilities based on past experiences. No matter how heartfelt or sincerely they are meant. Does break my heart a little all over again.
it's good to let it all out and hear others perspectives. Thank you again
