And it's self inflicted. You do not deserve endless suffering.
Very wise words! Not to lessen what your H has done, but from where I can see.....you are currently your own worst enemy. Seriously, T! A lot of your suffering seems to be self inflicted. You wrestle with your feelings. (I know you are venting, btw, and this is just me responding to your venting thoughts). May I ask what better alternative you think would be successful? I mean, when you start saying you are concerned you are pushing him further away...........what does your mind tell you to do? Something similar to what you were doing before the baby was born.....and even later? You pursued, was his friend, gave him sex, played house, went on family outings.......and it did not stop him from this quest he has undertaken.
You are trying to sort through the sh't mind of a wayward, and even worse........you take the fall for him. You ask why you are always his scape goat. Maybe b/c you are willing to bear his sins for him? If I remember correctly, that was the symbolic purpose for scape goats. Maybe I just want to make you a little angry, b/c I had rather see you mad than watch you act like a goat. .
Sweetheart, you will never be able to figure out his mindset. Heck, he can't even figure it out........so what makes you think you can? The difference here is that he repeats the same action, as previously, which is to make everything that's wrong about him.....your fault. It's your fault he is cruel to you. It is your fault that he's not being a better father, and that he doesn't behave like a M man. It's all your fault, T. You ran him off.
Now, is that what you really believe? I don't buy it for a second. You are smarter than to believe all that b.s. Every wayward I have known IRL, and read about, blame their spouse! I think it must be in the wayward DNA.....or something, but it is definitely a pattern waywards follow. Do you know why they blame everything on their LBS? B/c in their minds, it justifies their actions. It's part of their demonizing and demoralizing work they do, hoping people can't smell their sh't as badly. If he can make you (of all people) believe his b.s., then that's a gold star for him. Every time you go into trying to rationalize what made a good man go bad, you end up in the same place.........which is, it must be your fault, b/c that's the only thing that makes sense to you. Listen T, sometimes people lose their moral compass. It may go deeper for some......and their actions/behavior may be worse than others. It is still wayward behavior. He chose to be a dishonorable man.
There are several things that waywards all have in common. Just to name a few: It is usually a surprise to the LBS that things were that bad in the R; waywards have a hidden agenda before they leave the MR (which means they have engaged in an A, or they have their eyes on someone, or they just want to sleep around); they exit the MR in a dishonorable fashion; they blame the LBS for their problems; they try to hide their "other" life until an acceptable time......so that people don't see them for the scum they really are; they pay for their selfish happiness at the expense of their family; they don't want to save their M; and they live in a fantasy world; and they love, love, love....cake. There are other things, too, but I think your H fits the bill.
Unfortunately, this is not an exceptional stitch, other than it being your stitch. What I mean to say is that your WH is not different than any other ordinary WS. I really wanted him to be an exception, he is like every other wayward I have ever known and read about on this board. No matter how many times you compare this last betrayal to the previous betrayal, it still equals the same answer........wayward husband.
Stop blaming yourself. Stop trying to prove he is in an A. Stop holding your breath to see of he comes back. Drop the rope and stop making his behavior the center of your thoughts.
((T))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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