So I really don't know where things are headed next. I spent the last year of my life trying to reconcile my marriage single-handedly. And now that I'm not trying anymore the anger and resentment have taken center stage. I look at my W these days and I don't see anything that I like anymore. She's always been physically beautiful, but she's not attractive to me anymore. Emotionally we're completely disconnected. There have been numerous times in the past two months when I wanted to tell her about things going on in my life (apart from the marriage). Major things like some of the mini-breakthroughs I'm having in therapy, and minor things like my crappy day at work. But I don't share any of that with her now.
So it's all very confusing. As of today I don't really know if I want to reconcile with her. And if I did want to, would it be for the right reasons? Could we ever reconnect and build a relationship better and stronger than the one that failed? Could I ever trust her again? When I try to answer these questions I get stuck because saying "yes" seems a bit delusional, but saying "no" makes me feel like I'm giving up, giving in, and telling her without words that she was right all along.
I want to be able to support my W as she continues down her path. She has a lot of mirror work to do and it's going to be really hard for her when she finally stops distracting herself from the real issues in her life. I've been reading about agape love and often return to the lighthouse story on this board for inspiration. A few months ago I started writing an apology letter, but my anger got the better of me and I never finished it. I should probably do that.
In some ways you are in a good place. You have given it your all and your W has not done the same. In some ways this should offer you some peace and comfort of mind. (I know in my sitch I remain hopeful because W has reciprocated some degree..so that if she really wants out it it makes it harder for me to see that unless she was cold, mean and distanced).
I am especially impressed that you talk about showing grace towards her. This is a sign of maturity. It [censored] you are in this position but overall when I read your update I see someone who is perhaps sad things are this way but you seem very focused on keeping yourself healthy (and happy) and your kids. If your W wants to come back she can make an effort and it seems like she has an uphill battle to fight. Regardless of what she wants...you express here you will be there for her but perhaps not in romantic love.
