Boston Dad in need of Help

[Teppo]

So, my W goes on these "walks" around our neighborhood where she meets her EA partner. I know this because I've seen the texts. So far I suspect it's just an EA, but things may have escalated to a PA. Do I just let it slide and not say anything? She doesn't know that I know what she's up to.

[Accuray]

So, my W goes on these "walks" around our neighborhood where she meets her EA partner. I know this because I've seen the texts. So far I suspect it's just an EA, but things may have escalated to a PA. Do I just let it slide and not say anything? She doesn't know that I know what she's up to.

Arguments in favor of letting it slide:
1) You don't make things worse between you than they are now
2) You don't tip your hand that you've been snooping

Arguments in favor of NOT letting it slide:
1) You get the elephant out of the room, which will be a relief when it's out in the open
2) Depending on how you handle it you demonstrate strength and establish a boundary about how you will allow yourself to be treated

If you choose to confront her, I would just make sure your expectations are set appropriately. If you're expecting remorse, an apology, or an admission of guilt you won't get it.

Here's what will happen:

1) She'll deny it, the more you push the more she'll dig in
2) She will demand to know where you're getting your information
3) If you tell her you snooped, she'll get angry at you for that, tell you that you betrayed her trust and make you the bad guy
4) She will make an effort to lock you out of whatever you have access to.
5) She will deepen her relationship with OM in response to things with you getting worse.

That's what will happen, but that's not necessarily a bad thing -- you will need to make this worse before it can get better.

If you choose to confront her, here's what I want you to do:

1) Tell her you know about her relationship with OM and that you consider it to be a betrayal
2) You will not accept being with someone who is in a relationship with someone else, therefore you want her to (move out of the MBR, move out of the house, whatever you want)

(Think about what you're going to do if she says "no")

3) Think about anything else you want to do -- if she's texting him on a phone you're paying for, tell her you're going to cancel her mobile plan/phone and she can go get her own if she wants to use it to text with OM

The key things you want to go for here are to come across as showing strength and standing up for yourself. Secondly, you don't want to come across as controlling. The message to her is that she can do whatever she wants, but if she wants to keep up this relationship with OM then she will not be sleeping in a room with you, or using your mobile plan, etc. etc.

Establish some boundaries about what you will accept and then *stick to them and enforce them at all costs* it's the best thing you can do.

Prepare yourself for the fact that this will temporarily make things worse between you. Think about it and mentally prepare for it, how will you act after the confrontation? How will you handle yourself? Start practicing for that in advance. Strength is the key here.

Acc

[hoosjim]

So, my W goes on these "walks" around our neighborhood where she meets her EA partner. I know this because I've seen the texts. So far I suspect it's just an EA, but things may have escalated to a PA. Do I just let it slide and not say anything? She doesn't know that I know what she's up to.

The affair is your enemy. You do everything reasonably in your power to end it. You absolutely do NOT give it a chance to grow and blossom. How you go about doing that depends on who you talk to (If you believe you have a "Wayward Wife" (or "WW") then look for Sandi2's threads on WWs) but from my personal experience and from what I have read just sitting around waiting for it to end is NOT the way to go. Affairs will often get "stronger" and more ingrained as they go along. I found out about my own W's Affair reasonably early, before it had grown too profound, and prolly had a chance to stop it much more easily and with potentially much better results, but I got some conflicting (and some bad) advice and allowed it to continue and after a point it went from a curiousity/attraction to a full blown infatuation/love-affair kind of thing, which, while my W has now apparently cut contact with OM, still casts a huge shadow over any efforts to reconcile or work on the marriage. While we may not have reconciled even IF I had succeeded in stopping the A earlier, I am absolutely, 100% certain that my MR would be in better shape now had I moved to bring about an end to the affair sooner. You simply can NOT work on a MR while an affair is ongoing, and every single marriage counselor and relationship specialist will tell you likewise.

Do yourself a favor-- do some crash course reading on this site on handling affairs, particularly WRT establishing "boundaries", think about collecting some intel (yes, "snooping," although opinions vary on this and you need to guard against it becoming obsessive) and then, when you are comfortable with what you know and what you should do, ACT. The post just above this one offers some good guidelines if you do decide to confront your wife. I am definitely not a fan of just "riding it out" , particularly if you catch the A in the early stages and have a chance to stamp it out before it gets to serious, but... if you do decide to act, make SURE you are confident and comfortable in what you are going to say and do, and make sure that if you do establish "boundaries" that you are prepared to act on them. (Another mistake that I made-- not being well grounded in DB-ing and the corollary materials like Sandi's WW stuff before I acted.)

[AnotherStander]

Wow, that post by Acc should be a sticky at the top of the forum! Well said!

[Cristy]

Thanks Acc,

One thing I'm struggling with is striking a balance between spending time with my son and GALing. There are somethings associated with GAL that I prefer my son not be a part of, i.e. going to some events where I want to meet new people.

Also, I wonder how different my situation would be if my W wasn't involved in an EA. I really think she would be more amiable to working things out, but of course I'm mind reading now.

Hello Teppo,

You mentioned in an earlier post that time with your son was fleeting. Doodler also painted a powerful picture regarding how quickly our kids grow up and become independent. Believe it!

Focus your time, effort and energy into being the best Teppo and Dad that only a fool would leave. Be the rock of consistency with your son that he will need for support.

I would hold off on telling your son that this is what you and your wife want at this point. However there are things that could work and make a difference. I suggest you speak to a DB coach, as they are experts in looking at what has happened to bring you to this point in your relationship and what is the best way to interact with her, so that you are most likely to bring her closer and not push her any further away. Your coach's expertise will help you come up with a very specific plan (that may be counter intuitive to what you feel like saying and doing) on how to best turn things around. I wish you all the best and would be happy to discuss the coaching with you.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[Teppo]

If you choose to confront her, here's what I want you to do:

1) Tell her you know about her relationship with OM and that you consider it to be a betrayal
2) You will not accept being with someone who is in a relationship with someone else, therefore you want her to (move out of the MBR, move out of the house, whatever you want)

(Think about what you're going to do if she says "no")

3) Think about anything else you want to do -- if she's texting him on a phone you're paying for, tell her you're going to cancel her mobile plan/phone and she can go get her own if she wants to use it to text with OM

Thanks Acc and Hoosjim for your input.

The thing is, I can't threaten to cut off her phone since the one she uses is provided by her firm. Also, I've already asked her to leave the master bedroom. When I did that, about two weeks ago, I told her "you're cheating on me". She of course denied it and I told her "You believe what you want to believe". I didn't specify that I suspect an emotional affair and I didn't say that an EA is an act of betrayal. Perhaps I should've. Finally, early on when she threaten divorce right after Easter, I made it clear to her that I wasn't OK with her meeting up with this guy for jogs as I suspected that she was growing attached to him. During this time I told her that I had phoned him and asked him politely to "respect our marriage boundaries". As we know, he hasn't.

With all that being said, is there anything to gain by pressing home the point that I know she's having an EA? Or have I already made it clear to her that I'm not OK with it. She's obviously going to do her own thing. I get that.

Given

[Accuray]

Well I think you need to ask yourself what you hope to accomplish by pressing the point. If she denies meeting up with him and you prove that you know she is, now what? Where does that leave you.

If she says "you're right I'm wrong you caught me in a lie" how do you feel after that and how does she feel?

Sometimes our motivation for wanting the WAS to admit they are attached to someone else is to make it real for us, and other times because we feel a perverse need to punish ourselves.

There's really nothing to be gained from either other than an extremely temporary sense of satisfaction followed immediately by feeling worse.

If you have a different motivation that's fine -- just think about it in advance.

Usually in this case your perceived win is actually a personal loss.

Acc

[Teppo]

Ok, so I've decided not to confront her about meeting the OM on her walks.

I'm feeling down as I don't think I'm getting anywhere with my detaching activities.
I've read several threads where people have been able to elicit some positive responses from their S through their GAL and detaching, but I haven't. I'm definitely happy about my GAL and I wouldn't stop them if we got back together, but I want to do them with my W.

I still haven't been served papers, but it's likely to happen any day now.

[Accuray]

Teppo,

If she's in an EA or a PA things will *not* improve for you. All you can do is really avoid making things worse -- and sometimes making things worse is actually better for you in the long run.

In order for her to notice you in a positive light her affair needs to end, she needs to mourn the loss of it, have some emotional space to reset and figure herself out without any outside emotional pressure (from you) and once her grieving is done she needs to decide not to replace her affair with another one.

For you that means a lot of waiting, more patience than you think you're capable of. It's a marathon not a sprint.

Acc

[Teppo]

Thanks, Acc,

Today I came down for breakfast and my W informed me that she's going to start seeing a therapist. Then she said that she's filed for divorce and wants to know where she should have the papers sent. I expected this day, but it's still tough to accept.

She proceeded to say the following:
"Nothing has changed in the last three months"
"I feel dead"
"I don't want to be with you"
"I have to move on"
"We both have to move on"
"I don't know what the Deacon was trying to do, but he let me down and disappointed me".
"No one understands me"
"I've been emotionally abused for the last ten years"
"You never listened to me or tried to make things better when I was unhappy"

I wasn't prepared to hear this and started to reason with her. I told her she didn't effectively communicate to me her feelings and frustrations. She also referenced my asking her to leave the master bedroom and interpreted that as me saying "I'm the master of the house!". I told her that I asked her to leave the master bedroom because she's the one that wants a divorce and is having an emotional affair. In response she said "Oh, we're back to that again?"

At this point, do I go into NC? And only communicate to her about our son and the D?